The HikiNEET Tryhard Son of Sparda
by hauptmannlaube
Summary: Kazuma's death against the Winter Shogun attracts the attention of hell. Intercepted on his way to Eris, Kazuma is bestowed with an amazing power like he always wanted. Now it's time to make the best out of it. (Story starts at Episode 7 of Season 1 / OPKazuma / Influence from the Devil May Cry Series)
1. Chapter 1

Kazuma's second death wasn't much more glamorous but at least less pathetic than his first. Getting beheaded by a mystical guardian spirit named Winter Shogun during a quest sounded way better than dying of shock and wetting himself after pushing a girl out of the way from a slow moving tractor.

The young teen found himself back in an empty white room, wearing his old tracksuit and waiting patiently for whatever came next. That next turned out to be a little girl in a black dress and with red hair bound into pigtails.

She appeared in the seat in front of him in the blink of an eye and read the paper in her hand. "Satou Kazuma, age 16, reincarnated once into a new world to fight the demon king and failing miserably so far."

Kazuma put his hands on both knees and grabbed tight to stop himself from lashing out. Failing, disappointing and underwhelming was the story of his life, but why was every goddess he met making it a point to mock him about it?

The tone of the little red-haired brat turned sympathetic. "But… I can't fault you for not living up to expectations when the deck is stacked against you in such a way."

Hearing actual empathy for his plight almost shocked Kazuma to die a third time.

"Yes, a task this heavy while working with nothing, or in Aqua's case sometimes less than nothing, makes your current situation a no brainer. Why would anyone expect you to come out on top?"

"Yes, exactly!" the understanding words were balm for his soul. "How could I achieve anything without any real help?"

"Are you saying that you could achieve something great with the right tools?" the little girl said with a stare that suddenly became intense.

"It's all hypothetical anyway," Kazuma averted his gaze from the piercing stare. "Nobody gets more than one item from the gods and I'm stuck with the most useless goddess of them all as my own stupid choice."

"You're right," the little girl changed the scenery around them with a snap of her fingers. Instead of the pure white room, they sat amidst a burning hellscape with rivers of lava and winged demons flying in the sunless red sky. "Good thing I'm not a goddess, isn't it?"

"Wait a second, I know my behaviour wasn't the best at times, but hell is a bit much as punishment!"

The little girl got up from her seat and sat down on his lap. "Don't worry onii-chan, all your faults aside, you are still sickenly sweet and innocent underneath." She took his hand and placed it on her head, signaling him to start petting her. Kazuma did, and the demon girl cooed in bliss. "Your death while unfortunate, introduces an opportunity to throw my hat in the ring and for you to be on the winning side for once."

"Are you trying to recruit me for the evil team?"

"No," the girl rubbed the back of her head against him like a cat. "As I said, you are a good person, but that doesn't mean your success wouldn't be beneficial for my domain. The self-proclaimed 'Demon King' of your world acts independently from hell. The stuipid idiot isn't even allowed to interfere directly in the matters of the world, so he has turned traitor in the knowledge that I can't personally punish him for his disobedience."

"So you give me a cheat item from hell and send me against him? That doesn't sound much better than the useless goddess to be honest. What prevents me from using this power to live a happy and carefree life instead?"

The demon girl shrugged. "Nothing. That's the difference between heaven and hell. My belief in humanity is strong enough to wager they will act in my interest eventually. So, Satou Kazuma, do you want to get back to this wonderful world and enjoy life to its fullest?"

"Where do I sign and where is the catalog?"

Hearty laughter came from the small girl. "The wonders of hell aren't shackled by a stupid catalog! We were granting wishes for mortals before it was cool, so just imagine what you want and I will grant it to my utmost ability!"

Kazuma pondered joining devil worship as a worthwhile investment

"Have you ever heard of a gaming series from my world named Devil May Cry?"

Everything Kazuma ever wanted was to be acknowledged and admired. Many days and nights he had spent daydreaming what it would be like to be as cool and witty as the characters he played in those games alone in his room. That dream shattered early at the vile evilness that was called reality and society.

The girl looked at him with blinking red eyes and grinned with razor sharp teeth. "I do now. Oh, you are going to be fun onii-chan!"

* * *

Archwizard Megumin had the worst day of her life. The stab through her heart when she saw Kazuma die by the hand of the Winter Shogun was the biggest pain she had ever felt. She cried until her throat became sore and her eyes ran out of tears. Darkness comforted the small mage, her own body shaking from anger and grief.

So it was understandable that both were ready to rip the Aqua to shreds when she turned over his body with her foot and picked up his severed head by the hair like a smelly animal. She squealed with fright as Darkness brandished Kazuma's shortsword, her own shattered by the Winter Shogun, pointing it at the archpriest with unbridled rage. "What are you doing with his body? Looting him before his corpse is even cold? You fiend!"

"I will bring him back!" Aqua whined and backed away from the blade pointed at her face. "You know, like the other adventurers who died to the Dullahan?"

She was watched like a hawk during the whole process of healing Kazuma's head back on his body and casting the Resurrection spell.

_**The person you are trying to resurrect is currently unavailable due to a prolonged job interview in the infernal plane. Please try again later and have a nice day.**_

"Eh?"

"You said you could bring him back! You promised!"

Aqua, now getting panicked as well, shook his still and cold body. "Oi, shitty NEET, Don't leave me alone in this world! I will try again and if you don't open your eyes after that I will be super angry! Resurrection!"

The body of Kazuma began to glow blue and everyone looked hopeful at this new reaction. Hope turned to shock when the corpse burst into blue flames.

"Noooo!" Megumin wailed with fresh tears streaming down her face."What did you do?!"

"I didn't… this shouldn't!" Aqua fell to her knees, hands on her head in disbelief.

"Kazuma…" Darkness needed all of her willpower not to crumble beside her two companions.

The flames of the impromptu funeral pyre grew larger and larger, turning into a blue ball of fire which exploded upward into a pillar of light. Aqua felt the hairs on her neck stand up from the sudden presence of the figure standing at the center.

The stench of devil hung in the air.

"Kazuma?" Megumin asked, seeing the familiar head of brown hair from behind. Nothing else from his attire had stayed the same, the bulky winter clothes exchanged with a fancy blue coat, pants and black shoes. He looked like the attendee of a high class banquet for nobles and completely out of place in the icy tundra. On his hip was long and ornate sword sheath with a katana in it. Megumin had never seen such a blade in person but many of the guys from stories with weird names like Kazuma had similar weapons.

The person turned around to them fully and revealed his face.

"Kazuma!" Her body was still weakened from the explosion, but she forced every muscle to muster enough energy to crawl towards him. Darkness helped her after two tries and carried the small girl under her arm.

"Hey guys," Kazuma greeted the two approaching girls. "Did you miss me?"

He tried to make it sound as cool and suave as possible, although every fiber of his introverted soul screamed out in pain from the corniness of that line. The tearful reunion didn't make it any less embarrassing as Darkness and Megumin tackled him to the ground.

"Kazumaaaa!" Megumin grabbed his coat and sunk into his chest.

"She did it. Aqua really brought you back!" Darkness sat on his legs, almost crushing him with her heavy armor.

Corniness and clichee aside, it felt good to be appreciated by someone.

And of course, Aqua had to ruin the moment.

"Darkness, Megumin get away from him!" The blue archpriest stood there with her staff brandished and raring to vanquish the evil that dared to stand before an almighty goddess. On somebody else her performance would have been impressive, but Kazuma had seen every unseemingly side of this girl firsthand. "I will vanquish you devil!"

A goddess loses her luster a bit when you had to hold her hair several times while she vomits behind the guild tavern.

Reappearing white fog put a stop to the standoff. Like earlier, the massive figure of an ethereal blue samurai appeared before them. In a single motion, he brandished his massive sword and pointed it at them.

Megumin clung harder on Kazuma. "The Winter Shogun! But why? We didn't kill any more sprites!"

Aqua glared at Kazuma with disdain. "The presence of a foul devil NEET spurs him on to protect his snow sprites!"

Although she said it with more bile than necessary for his taste, Kazuma had the inkling she was right. The spirit was looking directly at him and ignored anyone else. "Is that so? Well, then I guess it's my responsibility to take care of him."

He was itching to test his new toy.

"No don't do it. You will die again!" Megumin didn't let go. Despite her small size, the girl had a grip like a vice.

"Megumin is very cute when she clings to me like that. I love that about you."

"Guh!"

His blunt praise and show of affection had the desired effect shocking her enough to let go.

Kazuma ignored further pleas of his party members as he approached the enemy in a lazy gait. True to her words, the demon girl had bestowed him with the power of his favourite character in his most beloved video game series. More than just demonic strength, his power actually worked like a video game, including the broken uninterruptible combos and the possibility to block all damage with perfectly timed blocks.

The Winter Shogun was fast and strong, stronger than anything the old Kazuma could have thrown against this foe. New Kazuma had the power of half-devil Vergil and a ridiculous amount of gaming experience in action adventure games. All the wasted time training to SSS-Rank everything on the highest difficulties had paid of in the real world.

It just had not been the first.

He would be better. He would be happier. He would…

"_Did that thing just stab me through the chest while I was pondering my new life?"_

A quick glance and the screams of his party confirmed his suspicion.

"Oi, it's rude to start a fight prematurely. I wasn't ready yet." He droned to the Winter Shogun in a bored tone which betrayed the frantic thoughts running through his head.

"_Thank you for making me so durable! Thank you for making me so durable! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you cute devil-chan!"_

Kazuma decided to push the envelope by pulling the sword deeper into him and the monster closer, unleashing all his pent-up anxiety and disappointment on the poor thing. The result of his gamer labour was a guardian spirit cut to pieces with a few dozen lightning fast strikes and he didn't even got to pull out any special moves before it vanished. Three girls watched with open mouths as the fearsome monster crumbled into dust.

Aqua began to sweat like crazy as Kazuma stared at her with the giant sword still in his chest and the other in his hand dripping with spirit ectoplasma . "About what I said earlier… Kazuma knows as my best friend that it was just a joke right?"

He would sleep with one eye open from now on.

Megumin and Darkness began prodding him and the sword poking out of his back while bombarding Kazuma with questions. "What happened to you Kazuma? Doesn't impalement hurt? Could you describe the excruciating pain in detail please? Why are you so strong with a sword now? Where did you get this stylish outfit that tugs at my Crimson Demon soul?"

A part of Kazuma was miffed how quickly everything reverted back to normal. Megumin was her usual excited self, Darkness was perverted and Aqua still aggravated him as easily as ever.

"Let's get back to town and talk about it there."

From now on it would be different! He wouldn't give up so easily on being awesome! Kazuma sliced first vertical then horizontal through the air, cutting it like paper and ripping open a portal. Another attempt to impress followed and he already felt the stage fright take hold when he pulled the sword from his torso. The gaping wound healed almost as soon as the weapon was removed.

His expensive clothes weren't. Figures he would have to pay for a tailor.

"Are you coming or what?" Kazuma entered the portal and averted his face to prevent them from seeing the goofy grin. He tried to sound nonchalant about his accomplishment, when in truth he felt unbridled joy for pulling this move off without a hitch. The badass swordsman who does cool tricks with his sword and shrugs of deadly wounds like nothing was one of Kazuma's favourite tropes.

"So cool…" Megumin stared at the open tear in reality with big sparkling eyes, being the first to follow him through.

At this moment, Megumin didn't know the amount of soothing her admiration brought to Kazuma's battered shut-in soul.

Satan bless this explosive loli.


	2. Chapter 2

The guild in Axel, the town of beginners, was as busy as ever during the winter. Adventurers hung out around the tables enjoying food and drink through their savings they amassed during the year. Not many bothered to do quests in the winter with the long tracks through the snow and remote quest locations due to monsters emigrating away until spring.

Only Kazuma's group was desperate enough to do high-level quest at this time and with every other adventurer present, they knew who was opening the doors to the guild hall before anyone came into view.

Chris, the silver haired thief, was the first to react. "Hey Kazuma, how did your quest…"

Her breath hitched and understandably so when one considered the state in which he arrived with his new fancy clothes from the demon girl already torn up and soaked in blood. Kazuma ignored the curious glances around him and pointed to an empty table. "Take a seat and order something. I will cash in our reward."

"And don't you try to weasel out of your explanation. We want details after dinner!"

"Yeah, yeah." Kazuma waved Megumin's nagging off, miffed beyond belief that his great reveal of devilhood ranked below a full belly.

"Hello Kazuma," The nice guild lady Luna greeted him at the counter. "It's good to see your group is back from the snow sprite quest without harm." Her eyes fell on the large hole in his vest and the copious amounts of dried blood. "Well, no life threatening harm anyway."

"I want to cash in the reward for the Winter Shogun," Kazuma said evenly but loud enough for everyone in the guild to hear. First step of becoming cool was to make everybody know what amazing feats he accomplished.

"Kazuma, that's a 200 million eris bounty. I won't entertain the thought from you even as a joke." Luna replied in the same volume, making everyone laugh and Kazuma couldn't stop himself from blushing.

"Just look at my damn adventure card for proof!"

Luna took the offered card and scanned its content with practised ease. At one point her eyes stopped moving and Kazuma grinned, expecting an apology at any moment. Instead, her face turned pale and she put the card on the counter with shaky hands.

"Excuse for a moment."

Luna left her post and walked left rather than right where the money was stored. Nothing other than the backdoor exit was on the left and Kazuma had no idea why she would have to go outside.

"_What's wrong with her? She got weird after seeing my…"_ Kazuma's eye twitched after looking at his job description.

**Kazuma Satou - Devil Swordsman - First Envoy of Hell **

"Shit!"

The young man jumped the counter with one leap and followed the guild lady, who tried escaping through the back and calling for help. Cornered by him, she threw everything in reach at Kazuma while screeching. "Stand back you devil! I knew there was something wrong with you! No human is that depraved!"

The look on Kazuma's face could be described as unamused and defeated as he casually deflected every item with a flick of his sheathed sword. "Listen, I don't want any trouble. Just forget what you saw and keep the bounty for the Winter Shogun."

Getting unmasked as devil would destroy any chances of a carefree life he wanted to achieve. True, Kazuma craved adventure and excitement, but not through becoming infamous and wanted all across the country as devil.

Being a final boss sounded like a lot of work.

"Oh really?" Luna said and Kazuma didn't like the sudden scheming expression on her face. "I've heard devils have to honor contracts no matter what."

From his short stay in hell and talk with a real devil, he could say Luna was correct with that assumption for the most part. The introduction to her might have been bombastic and mysterious, but the little girl had turned into a true bureaucrat as soon as it came to putting the terms down to ink.

Even though the terms were as simple as "You get Vergil's stuff have fun with it, onii-chan!", Kazuma had to sign twenty certified copies for each department of hell in the presence of three lawyers. Hell had no shortage of those.

"You want it in writing? Fine! I sign everything!"

Luna grinned and wrote up a contract on official guild paper for quests with the speed of an experienced civil servant. "Thank you for your understanding. Please start your obligation as soon as possible."

Common sense drove Kazuma to at least read the damn paper, although he didn't have much choice but to sign it.

_**I, Kazuma Satou, am hereby obligated to take care of every high-level quest of the certified guild in Axel until the other party of the contract deems the terms as satisfied. **_

_**During the duration of this contract, it is forbidden for the devil Kazuma Satou to bring active harm against innocent citizens of Axel unless provoked.**_

_**In return, the guild of Axel swears to keep the true identity of Kazuma Satou as a secret.**_

_**Furthermore, any compensation for completing quests is withheld and distributed among the less fortunate inhabitants of Axel.**_

_**Satou Kazuma**_

"You are strongarming me into killing high-level monsters for charity?"

The innocent expression on Luna's face made Kazuma's blood boil. "It's either that or facing the consequences of being unveiled as a devil. I want to make sure you can be trusted."

"Fine, just grant me a small pittance for my quests. I still need to eat!"

With those words, Kazuma sliced his hand to the bone and dipped the quill into the gushing blood, signing the contract with a once again pale guild lady. He didn't think the document needed this kind of theatrics to be binding, but he savored the small payback against this shrewd business woman.

"I… I expect a quest per week at minimum!" Luna stuttered as he handed over the bloodstained document before fleeing into her office and locking the door.

The mighty Kazuma Satou, imbued by the demonic power of a badass half-devil, went back with slumped shoulders and a bad mood to his companions at the table. The three were already feasting like starved animals, stuffing their faces with expensive food and drink for which he had no money.

So he sat down and took a mug of cheap ale. "Somebody cash in the reward for their snow sprites. The guild lady snubbed me out of my money."

Sensing the anger radiating in waves from Kazuma and seeing the other two with cheeks full of food, Darkness took the initiative to ask him about his problems. In situations like this, the girls knew that their leader needed to vent his frustration or would get more unbearable by the minute for being ignored.

"Why would she do that?" she asked in a rehearsed tone that sounded as fake as her concern.

"Apparently, devils won't get paid in Axel," he mumbled into his mug and took a deep gulp to wash away his worries.

"Is that so?" Darkness said only half-listening, until Megumin spit out her food and the words finally registered in her brain. "Wait what!?"

Aqua stopped chewing on her fried frog leg to glare at him. "I told you! I told you Kazuma is evil now! Even more evil!"

"Do you want to know what happened or not?"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

"So you went to hell and a demon made you more powerful to spite the gods?"

"Pretty much?" Kazuma had told them everything except the exact nature of his new power, just that he was stronger now to avoid talking about his old world. "They hate the Demon King as well and what's the harm in getting a free gift?"

Aqua chewed faster to make her mouth capable of speech again. "I'm not sharing my property over Kazuma with some devil floozy from hell! Divorce from her right now!"

She half assed the attempt like everything, spraying Kazuma with crumbs. "In no plane of existence I would call our relationship as something that could be divorced. The thought alone makes me violently ill to the point of getting stomach aches."

The archpriest struck a sexy pose, whose effect was greatly diminished by the grease stain going from the corner of her mouth all the way to the left ear. "What would you have against a relationship with an exceptional goddess like me? Kazuma should be awestruck every day for the privilege to bask in my radiant presence!"

Kazuma sighed and wiped her face with a napkin. "The package is fine. The content is messed up beyond repair."

She struggled against the attempt of cleaning her face like a pouty child. "What does that mean? Speak clearly you HikiNEET!"

He put away the napkin and examined his work with satisfaction. "Aqua, you are a drop-dead gorgeous woman with a shit personality! If you were just a tad nicer, I would bend over backwards to get in your non-existent panties." Kazuma paused and blinked. "Where the hell did that come from?"

"Oh? Is Kazuma finally succumbing to my charms and admits how beautiful I am?"

"That's not it at all!" Kazuma felt the first stage of a migraine approaching. "You might have been the fuel for most of my earlier fantasies, but I know hooking up with the delicious naked butt under that skirt would put mine into trouble." The desk shook under the constant barrage of Kazuma's head hitting the table by his own volition. "Why did I say that? Please help me, why did I say that?!"

His forehead hit the massive oak table hard enough to dent it, making everyone wince from the force.

"Maybe it's a priest thing? Some people believe devils can be compelled to say the truth by high ranking clergy."

Megumin's theory opened a hole in Kazuma's stomach that was deeper than the blackest abyss. The prospect of being unable to lie in front of the debt goddess drove a chill down his spine and a sinister smile on Aqua's face.

"Hey Kazuma, what do you think about Megumin and Darkness?"

Silence reigned at the table as three girls watched Kazuma struggle with himself to the point his jaw made noises like a rusty drawbridge.

"A very earnest 'maybe later' for the former and a definite yes with a soundproof ballgag for the latter. Dammit, stop that you useless goddess!"

"What does maybe later mean?" Megumin asked with a blush. "Why not now? Is there anything wrong with me? I'm asking out of curiosity! Don't get any weird ideas!"

Aqua poked his cheek with a finger."Yes Kazuma, answer the question of our clueless Megumin!"

Kazuma considered stabbing his own throat, but his mouth was quicker than both hands around the hilt. "It means, I'm feeling conflicted by my thoughts about a relationship with Megumin due to her age. She's the girl I'm most comfortable with being around. I like her as a person and cherish the time we spent together. I hate you Aqua, I hate you so much!"

Megumin put her hat and eyepatch back on. "Oh ok, that's good to know then… Darkness would you come with me for my daily routine?"

She avoided eye contact with anyone and pulled on Darkness, who reacted how everyone at the table predicted. "Now? I didn't get to ask anything about the ballgag! This is my chance to explore his depths of depravity! Megumin don't drag me by the hair… hn… or maybe do! Kazuma I want to hear everything about your vile plans for me later!"

Another lackluster day came to a close for Kazuma as the two fled the guild hall. He didn't know what reaction he could have expected after revealing his new status as a devil but this was too lukewarm for his taste.

Where's the drama? The inner party conflict? The ethical and moral debate of letting a devil stay in the group? The opportunity for character development?

All brushed aside because the blue haired idiot can't be bothered to be mindful of his needs. The only thing left for him was to start early with the arduous task of getting the guild lady off his back by hunting monsters in the deepest of winter.

"Where are you going Kazuma?"

A single tear rolled down his cheek. "Changing into my old boring tracksuit and searching a tailor that is willing to fix this outfit for my last money. Afterwards, I will be busy hunting monsters on my own and use the time to plot my revenge against a useless goddess that brings me nothing but headaches whenever she opens her big mouth!"

"You are such a joker sometimes Kazuma! Kazuma?"

"You will never see it coming…"

"KAZUMAAAA!"


	3. Chapter 3

Nobody in the guild had seen Kazuma for almost two days and the guild lady Luna felt a healthy amount of anxiety about it.

Apparently, the young man had been going on a solo quest, most likely dangerous, without telling his party the details. Aqua had said something about monster hunting, but it was almost impossible to get useful information out of the weird girl on a good day. Ever since his disappearance, the archpriest was downright paranoid and jumped in fright from every loud noise or sudden movement in her proximity.

Luna's sting of guilt turned into a full blown stomach ache. Kazuma wasn't a bad person, despite his reputation as lazy pervert. While always in the center of some kind of trouble, he almost never was the catalyst for it and did his darndest to fix the problem.

Luna seriously considered letting him off the hook, until he returned late on the second evening in his wrinkled tracksuit and majorly disheveled hair.

"_The guy looks like he just fell out of bed. I was worrying about him and the lazy bum slept all day!"_

She watched how Chris approached the lethargic boy, most likely to ask him about his wellbeing. The thief always had a deep interest in Kazuma's adventures, although she never mingled much with the rest of his party and especially when Aqua was around.

Luna couldn't blame her for avoiding the weird archpriest.

Chris and Kazuma parted ways with the former looking a bit dejected, but any thoughts Luna had about their interaction seized when Kazuma's tired eyes fell on her. He shuffled to the quest board in a slow manner and stared at the available tasks.

"_Finally feeling like doing something?"_ Luna thought, getting her hopes up for Kazuma changing for the better.

A feeling of false hope she wanted back as soon as he started ripping off almost every quest from the board and tossed them in the nearby trash bin.

"Hey!" Luna yelled at him across the guild hall, angry and disappointed because of this cheap attempt. "Removing them from the board doesn't mean they aren't active anymore!"

Her words seemed to stir up something in the young adventurer. His gaze became more focused and awareness of his surroundings returned during his short trip to the counter.

"Sorry, forgot how this works… haven't slept since leaving… not sure if I need food anymore… the grumbling just stopped… here's my card for looking at stuff..."

Luna took the card out of his quivering hands and averted her eyes from the manic stare to scan the menu for most recent monster kills.

While she checked the card, he began to drone on in a monotone voice. "There should be one-shot bears, manticores and griffons, followed by the fire-resistant armored sandworms, several dragons in all colors, a few high ranking vampires and a lich, plus a bunch of things I lost track of after the large lake hydra. After that, I just kept swinging on anything bigger than a house until it was dead."

The whole questlog read like an encyclopedia with almost every notable danger of this world present in some capacity. An adventurer card couldn't be forged and the fact he gained almost thirty levels checked out with the mind boggling amount of monsters.

"Kazuma, I…"

His fist fell down on the counter with force, shattering wood and most of the wall parting the guild hall with the office space. "Oh come on! I know the Destroyer is missing but I couldn't find the damn thing! Why is a moving fortress so hard to locate?"

Luna stood in the rubble of her booth and gulped hard. She had front row seats for seeing a person get undone by the seams.

"Ok, I will keep looking… rip it limb from limb… put the repair costs on my tab!" Kazuma grabbed a piece of wood with lifeless eyes and turned to leave, dark clouds of energy emitting from him like smoke.

It was a herculean task for Luna to keep the air of professionalism over her building nervous breakdown. The woman had realized the fundamental mistake she had made by getting involved. Forget the bad press of employing a devil, should push come to shove, this town could turn into a wasteland if Kazuma was pushed over the edge.

"Kazuma, consider your contract fulfilled!" Luna congratulated him and tore the contract frantically to shreds. "Any money you make from now on is all yours!"

"And the repair costs?" The black clouds started to gather at the ceiling and dissolved the chandelier.

"On the house! A small token of appreciation for a good friend and valuable member of this guild!"

"Really?" The intensity of those demonic eyes made Luna feel the urge to hide under biggest rock she could find. "That's great! Finally things are looking up for me! Where is my party? I want to share the good news!"

"They have gone on a quest… eek!" She shrieked in fright when Kazuma's eyes turned to blazing blue orbs and turned the piece of wood in his hand to sawdust by crushing it. "It's a really easy quest! They should be done by now and the reward is a real mansion! Here's the address!"

Blue changed back to green. "Ok then, I left the bodies outside in the backyard."

As soon as the young man had left, Luna locked the front door and tumbled to the back in search of a window. She hadn't noticed it sooner because it was night, otherwise the mountain of corpses would have blocked any sunlight coming in during the day. The backyard of the guild had the size of a soccer field with every free inch now used as storage by Kazuma, but the monster pile was still two stories higher than the guild hall.

Luna sat down on a nearby chair. One of the barmaids found her minutes later, still in the same pose staring into the void. After questioning her what was wrong, the guild lady had one thing to say in a haunted voice.

"I just remembered that short summaries of adventurer cards are sent magically to the capital for recruitment purposes. The crown family will get the name Satou Kazuma and a list of slain monsters adding up to over a billion eris in reward money. What do you think will happen when they come here to investigate him?"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

"I don't trust this. Something that good doesn't happen to me."

It was already close to midnight when Kazuma entered the front yard of his new home. The mansion looked old but well maintained, easily several dozens of rooms and nice view over the city. His eyes kept darting around for the obvious twist to emerge at any point. He arrived at the doorstep without any complications. The sigh of relief build inside of him, begging for release which he stopped at the last possible moment.

Nothing ever went well.

Kazuma took another step and was violently thrown back, landing several feet away on the grass.

"Yeah, I figured that would happen," he said with a glance at the now visible anti-devil barrier surrounding the mansion. "Why is that useless goddess only competent when she tries to agitate me?"

Kazuma was so done with everything, his mood did a full reversal to indifferent as he rolled onto his side to sleep on the lawn.

"Kyaaaahhh!"

And was denied his indifference by the ear-splitting cry of his archwizard.

"Megumin!" Kazuma forwent moving with his feet and smashed into barrier via teleport, sword pressed against the blue energy field until sparks appeared and his skin caught fire. This stupid sturdy thing was in the way and for the first time since getting this power he felt the pull of something different from his insides.

With a roar, his whole body burst into blue flame and transformed into Vergil's devil form, a fiery blue demon with four wings and silver scales. The barrier shattered instantly under the onslaught of demonic power and Kazuma transformed back as soon as he entered the mansion to navigate easier through the narrow corridors.

Another scream showed him the right direction and with a leap he burst through the next door on the left.

"Kazuma help!"

There was just enough time for one glance to assess the situation. Megumin hid under sheets of the nearby bed and pointed to the balcony where an unidentifiable black mass needed just a few more seconds to crash through the cracking glass. Throwing caution to the wind, Kazuma took a stance and unleashed a wave of energy at the attacker by drawing his sword. The attack hit the target and most of the balcony evaporated in a blue vortex with the enemy.

Silence reigned for a few seconds and Kazuma relaxed when no immediate danger was visible. Some bits and pieces of his opponent landed around the room and he poked the remains to reveal a broken porcelain face.

"Dolls?"

Megumin jumped from the bed and stood behind Kazuma. "Those things are evil spirits! Aqua was supposed to take care of them but she only drew a magic circle around the house!"

Instead of fulfilling the quest, the useless goddess had prepared against his revenge with everything she got, so far so expected, but Kazuma wondered what her next step would be after he smashed through the barrier? Aqua wasn't the type of person to plan in advance, her whole existence and mantra centered around living in the moment after all, which made predicting her extremely difficult.

She always behaved either completely pathetic or devastatingly effective in the wrong areas.

Like a coin toss of doom.

"Why are you fidgeting?" Kazuma asked Megumin, forcing his thoughts away from the blue-haired harbinger of chaos and towards his late night company.

"I need to get to the bathroom…"

"..."

"It's just down the hall! Please?"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

"Are you still there? Kazuma?"

"Yes I am, and I haven't moved an inch since the last time you asked and won't until the next time or the one after that."

Kazuma made his tone irritated on purpose although he felt a sense of fulfillment while staring at the closed bathroom door in front of him. A shy and adorable Megumin satisfied his protective instincts. Being the lowest level and weakest class of the party didn't give many opportunities to contribute in quests after planning was over.

He hadn't been capable of taking a hit for the group like Darkness, dish out real pain like Megumin or even provide support as Aqua could on a good day.

He was just plain and average Kazuma. Never good for anything. Never amounting to anything.

"My gratitude knows no bounds, cute devil-chan…"

A smile formed on his lips when she called again. "This is a little embarrassing… so could you sing a song or something in a loud voice?"

Noise from both ends of the corridor announced the arrival of more dolls and Kazuma drew his sword. The small animated objects weren't any danger to him but Megumin seemed deathly afraid of them, so the next step in this situation was quite clear.

"A song huh? Yeah sure, I have something in mind. Ignore the other noises."

So it happened on a cloudless night, that the adventurer Kazuma Satou sang loud and proud while he defended the toilet break of his party member, not even close to what he imagined using his new powers for but beggars can't be choosers. Standing guard for a defenseless girl beat mucking around with monsters on his own by a landslide.

The last doll hit the ground just in time for the last line. If anyone asked, Kazuma would deny he had done that on purpose to be more dramatic.

"... bang bang bang… Kazuma where is that song from?" She came from the toilet with a big smile and sparkling eyes, careful not to step on the hundreds of doll pieces scattered around.

He sheathed his weapon with a flourish. "It's from the latest entry of a story that is near and dear to my heart. It was one of the last things I enjoyed before coming here."

"I see…" She went suddenly quiet, staring at the wall and glancing at him on occasion. "Can… could you bring me to my room?"

Here, at this moment in time, nothing mattered more than to preserve the cuteness that was barefoot Megumin in her pyjamas, asking a favour with a quiet voice and upturned innocent eyes.

"S… Sure! Sorry for destroying your balcony."

"Oh, that was Aqua's room. Mine is three doors further down."

And suddenly, Kazuma felt somebody had put a cherry on top of this evening.

Their shared walk to her room was uneventful and ended much to quick for Kazuma's taste. Ready to say goodnight, she dropped a bombshell on him by asking if he could stay at her bedside until it was sure no more dolls would attack.

A nearby chair was pulled closer and he sat down, watching her drift in and out of sleep. "Hey Kazuma…do you… want to hear my new chant?"

"Sure…"

"Darkest of nightfalls…" her eyes closed and a lot of words became unintelligible. "...frustration growing bigger… devil… trigger…"

Megumin had fallen asleep with a smile.

A few more dolls decided to interrupt the nighttime peace now and then, which Kazuma took care of quietly and without waking the young girl. Another day without sleep didn't make a difference and functioning as glorified bug zapper wasn't bothering him either.

What bothered him was another unannounced nightly visitor in form of a silver-haired thief. "Kazuma we need to talk. I heard some weird rumours about you."

She appeared out the darkness like a ghost, all dramatic and mysterious, which would have garnered interest and excitement from his adventure loving soul on any other occasion.

Tonight he had other plans.

"I had a long day and Megumin needs me. Come back tomorrow."

Chris was about to protest, but a single mumble of the sleeping archwizard shut her up. The female intruder vanished back into the shadows with a frown and Kazuma had the hunch she didn't want to ask him if he was still single.

He wasn't that lucky.


	4. Chapter 4

Spending the night in a chair was something Kazuma knew from his old days as shut-in gamer. He had mastered the art of making himself comfortable with limited space available and going to sleep by the first rays of sunlight until early afternoon. A sense of nostalgia flooded over him when his body did the stretching of stiff muscles on autopilot.

The expected shivers from being cold didn't occur and a small weight on top of him turned out to be one of the blankets from Megumin's bed. The archwizard herself was nowhere to be seen, most likely up and about for hours already. Kazuma pulled the heavy fabric off him and stood up, marveling once again about the properties of his new and enhanced body. Megumin had let him sleep in, but he was sure only a few hours would have been enough to erase all the accumulated fatigue.

His old self would have used this ability to game for days without mental or physical repercussions. Current him was a bit clueless how to start the day after clearing almost every worthwhile quest to the point it endangered the monster ecosystem.

The staggering amount of skill points he had gotten were another headache. Technically, Kazuma wasn't using his adventure class anymore and leveling up changed as much as spitting into a lake. Unless he got bored and wanted to branch out, it would be wise to save his points for a rainy day.

With that thought completed, Kazuma decided to get a very late breakfast.

"Where is my sword?"

* * *

KONOSBUA!

* * *

A badass devil didn't sprint, he stylishly puts distance between his starting point and destination in a quick manner. That's how Kazuma excused his current behaviour of rushing through the mansion in search for the explosive perpetrator who stole his weapon. All the while he cursed his own stupidity for this mistake which could have been easily avoided.

Devil-chan had explained that his new power came with a few perks found in video games to emulate the abilities of Vergil. One being an inventory where he could store and even equip items in an instant. An inventory he had used before to transport all the monster corpses to the guild hall, so forgetting about it was doubly unforgivable!

Down the stairs and to the left, Kazuma entered a big dining room and promptly had to duck from a mug thrown at him. The thing shattered against the wall behind him and small droplets of water hit the back of his head. He wiped the clear liquid off and instantly felt an uncomfortable tingle between his fingers.

A blue head of hair vanished under the table, replaced by the tips of two boots poking out under the table cloth. "Don't get any closer! There's more where that came from you devil!"

Ok, now he began to feel a bit bad. Aqua had purified her coffee into holy water and thrown it at him as a last resort, before hiding under the table and spouting challenging words. Kazuma would be angry if the scene hadn't been so sad to look at.

The threat of retaliation in the guild, the destroyed barrier and her wrecked room had made quite an impression on the easily scared goddess. Usually she turned to Kazuma for help whenever she became this pitiful, but him being the reason for her fear, the archpriest didn't have anywhere to retreat.

Even though his instincts told him not to bother, Kazuma lifted the tablecloth and crouched down to sit beside the shaking girl who head her head between the knees.

He petted her head like a scared animal. "You can stop worrying. I won't attack you out of the blue."

"I don't trust scummy Kazuma and won't take sympathy from a devil…"

He stopped petting and poked her cheek with a finger. "You realize that you could just ask me to make sure, right? Remember, I can't lie to you anymore."

Aqua put her head back to hide her face, ears getting beet-red from embarrassment. "O… of course I know! Don't think the praiseworthy Aqua would forget something that important! I'm just not doing it because that would be cheating!"

"..."

"Ah, Kazuma looks like he listened to the ramblings of a child and doesn't believe a word! What kind of impression do you have of me?!"

That's a question he really didn't want to hear today. She had asked and her stupid priest power compelled him to answer, although he really didn't think anything good would come from honesty.

"Aqua, on our first meeting I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, but it didn't take a minute before you made fun of my pathetic death. To be told with a smile that my family laughed at my corpse was the most hurtful thing anybody has ever done to me. From that moment on, I categorized you under heartless bitch in my mind and acted accordingly when an opportunity for revenge appeared."

Aqua's interested nods while listening got slower and slower.

"I admit ripping you from your home was an overreaction. Seeing you struggle in this world gives me no satisfaction anymore. I just want to make things work between us, yet every time I give you an opportunity to hurt me, you do it without hesitation."

Maybe this compelled truth thing had a good side after all. Kazuma felt a lot lighter around the chest.

"Despite all that, I still consider you a friend. An alcoholic, whiny, arrogant, inept and leachy type of friend, but still my first friend in this world."

He turned to Aqua and expected a smug look or disgusted expression. He got the former, but it came way too slow and stiff as if somebody tried to jumpstart a faulty engine.

"W… Well… if Kazuma values my company so much, I consider overlooking his disgusting existence as devil and keep him around for a small donation to the axis church and eternal gratitude … guh… Kazuma's eyes are turning so cold!"

"Just tell me where Megumin and Darkness are and I'm out of your hair for today."

Aqua put a finger to her chin and stared ahead in deep thought. "Hmm… Darkness said something about meeting a friend in town and Megumin was looking for a weapon shop with your sword under her arm."

Kazuma hoped his constant eye twitches wouldn't become a chronic condition.

"Kazuma?"

"Yeah?"

"H… how much nicer would I have to be for… Why are you running?!"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

Kazuma reached the townsquare in record time, having escaped the mansion fast enough to feel the blood in his shoes. After a quick stop at the best tailor in town, the young man had slipped back into his freshly restored Vergil outfit. The money had come from keeping some of the more valuable monster materials for himself and selling them on the market for an astonishing sum.

It even sufficed for a nifty mending enchantment, which would make the outfit repair itself from damage over time. Vergil's clothes being just fancy cloth and not armor in any way, the service hadn't even been that expensive. Nobles with money to spare wore this kind of outfit and were always looking for new stuff instead of fixing their existing wardrobe.

The whole look felt almost complete with his beloved sword as the only thing missing. Axel had a lot of weapon shops as adventurer city, but he was confident any shop owner would remember Megumin as their customer. All he had to do was ask around if an eccentric loli archwizard had come to make business.

His mood at the time would decide if he exchanged the loli part with something nicer.

"Hey Kazuma, what's up with the new clothes? Did you win the lottery or something?"

Two adventurers Kazuma knew, Dust and Keith, approached him with suspiciously kind smiles. Sometimes they hung out together at the guild and went on occasional binges after a quest. They were friendly enough, even if they pestered him for handouts too often.

"Just felt like dressing better today. Have you seen Megumin?"

"Your bratty archwizard? No, we haven't but there's something much more important we need to discuss as fellow man!"

"I really don't have time for fooling around..." Kazuma said in a serious tone, already imagining the worst happening to his poor sword.

"Not even for secret shop run by succubi who can grant you any sexual fantasy with amazing dreams?"

"Well, I guess if its on the way… show me!"

Moments later, Kazuma stood in front of an inconspicuous door with much less enthusiasm than before. The reason for that was the price he had to pay them for showing the way and his lack of resolve to walk away from this obvious scam. At this point, he expected to be shoved into a rundown bar while they ran away cackling with his money.

Two steps in, the young man seriously considered naming his firstborn after them. The erotic atmosphere on the inside was in stark contrast to the plain exterior and Kazuma imagined high-class stripclubs looking like this on his old world.

The female employees were wearing so little clothing it seemed pointless and every single one of them was at least a nine-point-five out of ten on the hotness scale. Three cute blondes with massive bust sizes greeted the adventures at the entrance, but while Keith and Dusk were led to their booth, his succubus seemed to have other plans after one glance.

"The booths are all occupied for now, so please follow me to the personal area in the back."

Too engrossed to argue, Kazuma followed the succubus like a puppy with several more succubi excusing themselves from their current clients and following them. They went through a silk curtain to lead him to a spacious couch where he sat down, more than a dozen scantily clothed bombshells staring at the nervous teenager . "So… I haven't introduced myself. My name is Satou Kazuma and I'm looking forward to your dream service. Is it like a menu or do you get a questionnaire with multiple choice?"

Their leader, a red-haired woman in a black bikini, sprouted her wings and pointed at his face.

"Get him!" Every succubi in the vicinity pounced Kazuma in a way he wasn't very fond of experiencing. Two dozen elongated claws had pierced his body when they transformed their petite hands in monstrous weapons.

The leader giggled haughtily at the bloody display. "You shouldn't have come here, fool! We succubi don't take too kindly to unknown devils trampling on our territory. Make your last words count!"

Surrounded by bloodthirsty furies ready to shred him to pieces, Kazuma did the only thing he was capable of at the moment; Emitting a sigh as deep as the ocean while wallowing in self-pity.

"I should have known this whole thing sounded too good to be true. Guess I'm leaving."

And with no more words to spare, he stood up and walked away in a sullen mood, dragging all the succubi who had their claws still inside his body with him across the floor. Some tried to resist and failed miserably when all their efforts and attacks had no effect on the depressed young man.

"Why aren't you fighting back?! You came to take over this place, didn't you?"

Kazuma stopped with a confused look and the crying succubi used this opportunity to pull their limbs free from his torso and regroup around their fuming leader. "Beg your pardon? I know about this place for maybe fifteen minutes!"

"Filthy liar!" yelled the smallest succubus with the flattest chest in the group. "Even now we feel the influence of your power. As succubi, we are cursed to only feel desire for powerful devils and never be able to act upon it!"

Her meager assets made it much easier for Kazuma to talk to her. "Why is that?"

"Are you playing dumb to torture our poor hearts? All devils are genderless and completely asexual!" Loli succubus got agreeing nods from her better endowed colleagues and felt smug because of his panicked expression.

The smugness of the loli-bus shattered when Kazuma stretched the waistband on his pants to look into them with a thoughtful look. "No, I'm pretty sure my little Kazuma is still the same, if not a bit bigger in some places. It could be the flattering light in here though."

Several eyes were drawn to his pants to verify his claim, until their leader reprimanded them. "Don't be fooled so easily by the lies of this devil!"

"Half-Devil actually and I resent being called a liar."

You could hear a pin drop in the following silence. Every eye directed at him had developed a new type of intensity and he nervously blurted out what came to his mind. "Technically speaking, I'm a half-devil which means the power of a devil but…"

"... the flesh of a human!" the head-succubus finished his sentence and the sudden mumbling around him unnerved Kazuma to new heights.

A single step towards the exit made hell break loose in an instant. Any emotional restraints from the succubi dissolved as they pounced for a second time and a completely different reason. In the face of so many attractive females gasping and moaning his name with lust, Kazuma's social awkwardness burned brighter than ever.

"Listen!" he dodged and weaved through mass of naked flesh as red as a tomato. "I'm flattered to have your interest, but my heart isn't ready for a steady commitment and I would really like to get some dry runs in dreams before losing my virginity with a partner."

His proclamation of being untouched had the opposite effect on most of them, shrieking and fighting harder to be the first succubus in history to pop a devil cherry. Only their leader had enough mental fortitude left to answer him. "Our service only works on humans. Devils are completely immune to our dream magic."

Kazuma stopped dodging and stood stockstill with a sudden aura of pure despair that repelled the succubi like an electric force field.

"Is that so? That's a pity…"

Thoroughly depressed again, Kazuma left under the enamoured stares of every succubus of the establishment, until he entered the streets were they couldn't follow him.

"Please stop!"

"We will grant you any desire!"

"Let us carry on your bloodline!"

Their desperate please didn't even garner a head turn. Satou Kazuma wasn't looking for quick satisfaction with just anybody who was willing to have him. His dreams were bigger and sadly much less defined due to his inexperience with women. Exploring his desires safely in the confines of dreams would have been the perfect solution for a socially inept guy like him.

Alas it wasn't meant to be and he decided to handle this disappointment like any man would in his shoes.

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

"Mommy, why is the sad man on the bench crying with a blank face?"

"Shh, don't point at him!"

The main plaza of Axel was the perfect place to ponder life and wait until your freshly shredded clothes have fully self-repaired. The view was nice, the sky remained cloudless all day and the appetizing smell of freshly made food wafted over to him from nearby stands.

He may have lost the key to paradise, but the many advantages of his new power exceeded the single disadvantage. That's what he would tell himself over and over tonight until falling asleep without wonderful dreams.

Maybe a few more minutes of pondering wouldn't hurt before continuing his search.

If only this bench could be more comfortable.

Deep in thought, the back of his head suddenly sank into something soft and bouncy. The decision to use this chance of getting more comfortable was made and Kazuma leaned backwards to fully use the new headrest.

"Darkness, you are a true friend to comfort me with your body in times of need!"

"I'm just restraining you! Don't get so comfy between my breasts!" The voice of his crusader sounded indignant and excited at the same time. "And I won't even ask how you guessed it was me by touch alone, you vile fiend!"

True to her claim, Darkness had approached Kazuma from behind and was currently holding him in a full-nelson hold. It had the wonderful side effect of pressing her bountiful chest into his neck. The downside, at least in theory, was that he shouldn't be able to move anymore.

"Hello Kazuma." In the same manner as last night, the silver-haired thief Chris appeared from the shadows of a nearby tree. "My good friend Darkness had a lot of interesting things to say about you. Things a devout follower of the Eris church like me can't ignore."

The crusader behind her began to fidget out of guilt and her nervous movements emphasized the soft mounds against him even more and Kazuma sighed in bliss. "For the record, I want to point out my doubt that any story out of the mouth from this pervert wasn't exaggerated to satisfy her own lewd fantasies. Especially if you consider that she is freshly bathed and left her armor at home to provide a very intimate and fragrant cushion for me."

"Be that as it may," Chris said without missing a beat, neither confirming nor denying his claims to the great distress of Darkness. "The gist of it is true, isn't it? You made a deal with a devil to come back to life more powerful?"

"Yeah, that sums it up pretty good. I guess your goddess Eris has a similar stance against devils as Aqua?"

It could be his imagination, but Chris seemed to falter for a moment when he made the comparison. "Even more so than Aqua! You have to renounce the pact with this devil to receive forgiveness from the goddess Eris!"

Listening to her lecture, Kazuma contemplated over how first impressions can be very misleading at times. Chris had always acted like a sensible and kind girl with potential to become his crush after gaining more maturity in the chest department.

Too bad she turned out to be another zealous nut.

"Interesting proposal, but I have something better in mind!" Kazuma made himself more comfortable between his boobpillow and Darkness shuddered in delight. "I will do what I want and simply don't care what your goddess wants from me."

"Kazuma, you will make Eris very angry!" The usual cool and laid-back thief started to pout and he saw the first signs of welling tears.

"I already met another goddess and wasn't that impressed with the customer service. So what's the major malfunction with yours? Is she also a raging alcoholic? A compulsive liar? Maybe she's a greedy bitch that compelled the world to name its currency after her? Wait a second… if Darkness is a follower as well… could she be the deity of a freaky S&M cult?"

Chris lost her composure completely, grabbing Kazuma by the collar and shaking him. "Stop spreading weird rumours about my religion! The axis church does that enough already!"

Those screeching wails had some familiar tunes to Kazuma's ears, invoking images of a certain archpriest waiting for him at home. Why should he change from one useless goddess to the next?

It was better to stay with the devil that you know!

Steeling himself with a deep breath, Kazuma was ready to make his determination known to the world. "I, Satou Kazuma, proclaim eternal admiration for my beloved devil-chan!"

"BE PURGED YOU BLASPHEMOUS AND UNREPENTANT HERETIC!" Chris stabbed Kazuma through the chest with her magic dagger.

There was no scream of pain or yelling of profanities, just a young man ushering a last shaky breath and sinking backwards into Darkness with lifeless eyes.

"Mommy, they killed the sad man!"

"Don't look honey! Somebody call the police! Open murder in the streets!"

Darkness stared in horror at the motionless head of Kazuma between her chest, blood trickling out the corners of his mouth. Chris let go of the murder weapon stuck inside him to the hilt and crumpled to the floor under the judgmental blank stare of a corpse that used to be her friend.

"Why did you do that?!" Darkness cried and laid his body down on the bench, completely ignoring the surrounding pandemonium of panicking townsfolk in favor of her dead party member.

"I got carried away from all the devil talk!" Chris was crying as well, wiping away her endless tears in frustration. "I can fix this! I just need to finish the necessary paperwork in time! Get him to Aqua for a resurrection!"

By the time the thief had vanished, the plaza was completely in turmoil. Darkness had remained at her place, sitting on the bench with Kazuma in her arms as his blood soaked her down to the underwear.

She didn't have the emotional strength to get up.

Any minute now, everything would be crawling with guards to take her away for a heinous crime she helped to commit.

A crime that couldn't be reversed.

Chris didn't know that their leader had already died once. Nobody could be brought back a second time.

"I'm sorry… I am so sorry… forgive me… "

They had lost Kazuma forever.

"I appreciate your apology and accept it. Darkness sure is comfortable for such a robust woman."

The tall blonde screamed in fright from the sudden monotone voice and threw Kazuma away. He changed his trajectory midair to land on top of a nearby fountain and did a deep bow to a gaping audience. "I hope everyone enjoyed the little preview for our upcoming show, a gripping tale about the tragic downfall of an evil flat-chested thief and her perverted crusader. It's coming to a theater near you soon, so please look forward to it!"

Darkness watched speechless as her alive leader kept working with the crowd and somehow convinced everybody that their confrontation was a harmless stage play. Some even complimented him about the effects and asked how he made the wound look so real.

Kazuma found the crusader later on the bench, laying on her side and facing the backrest with a pout. "I don't know what you're mad about. It was the only way to keep you both out of jail and I really didn't have to help after your little stunt."

DESTROYER ALERT! DESTROYER ALERT!

ALL CITIZENS, EVACUATE AT ONCE!

ALL ADVENTURERS, EQUIP YOURSELVES AND REPORT TO THE ADVENTURERS GUILD!

ESPECIALLY SATOU KAZUMA! … PLEASE?

The emergency message ripped Darkness out of her funk and she sprang on her feet to see Kazuma already walking towards the town exit.

"You heard the nice lady and it came just at the right time. I really need to vent again."

"You could vent on me…"

The deep happiness of still being able to talk with Kazuma in such a crude manner was indescribable for the young woman. Darkness believed with confidence that their leader was the most unique man she will ever meet and they barely had scratched the surface during their short relationship.

To what unfathomable depths could he drag her?

"Shut up, stop gawking like a bitch in heat and follow me you masochistic erosader!"

"Hng so harsh…!"


	5. Chapter 5

The mood among the adventurers of Axel was at an all-time low. As arranged by the guild, almost every able-bodied person with an adventure card had gathered just outside the city gates to wait for the inevitable confrontation.

"Kazuma Satou? Has anybody seen Kazuma?" Even the guild-lady Luna had joined the ranks of defenders, still running around frantically asking every person if they knew where a certain newbie adventurer could be found.

"Kazuma? We went to that shop together. He said something about looking for his archwizard!"

Luna swung around to the adventurer, who was getting bodyshots and scoldings from nearby guys for mentioning their safe-haven in front of so many female adventurers. "Then he should have heard the announcement! Where is he?!"

Megumin stood apart from the big group of people with Aqua, who sat beside her on the grass and stared nervously into the wide open field surrounding Axel. "Where are Kazuma and Darkness? Hey Megumin, do you think they skipped town after the announcement? I would have if the mean guild-lady hadn't caught me!"

"Kazuma wouldn't run without dragging us with him and Darkness loves getting in unnecessary danger. They will come, I'm sure of it!

As if to punctuate her sentence, the mumbling of the crowd was silenced by the sound of heavy tremors, each of them a step of the massive fortress. It was now close enough to hear and every adventurer present felt the dread.

"There it is! It's coming out of the canyon!" cried an adventurer using Farsight from atop the town wall, pointing towards the south. The people of this world called the Destroyer a mobile fortress, but whoever survived a confrontation with the ancient weapon described it as a giant metal spider.

Several stories high and impervious to attacks due to a magic shield, every place the Destroyer appeared was doomed to become a barren wasteland. As such, their plan to hit it with all they got and hope for the best didn't inspire any confidence in those involved.

Until they noticed something weird.

"Doesn't it look like as if the Destroyer is running from something? Look, it almost fell over its own legs!"

Out of nowhere, a flashing blue light smashed into the magic shield from the fleeing fortress. The impact could be felt all the way to town and the massive machine tumbled. Relentless follow-up attacks at lightning speed pushed the ancient weapon away from the city, still protected by its shield but getting handled like a misbehaving puppy with a rolled-up newspaper.

The adventurers of Axel watched slack jawed as the mighty engine of destruction finally lost balance and fell on its back. Eight limbs moved uselessly in the air while the light kept hammering against the shield. After several minutes the attacks stopped with the Destroyer still unable to get up but not much worse for wear.

The constant flickering and hopping reminded the adventurers of an angry blue firefly until the light vanished all together.

Only to reappear amidst the group of spectators.

"See Darkness, that's how you hit an enemy with that thing! It's not that hard! Would you stop drooling on my coat!?"

"Gng… to be treated like a piece of worthless luggage… fu... fu!"

Kazuma Satou had arrived, one arm occupied with carrying Darkness by the waist and the other holding the bent and chipped sword of the panting crusader. Striking a fortress-sized mechanical spider repeatedly had left a mark on the two-handed weapon.

"Has anyone here the ability to get through the shield of that thing? Otherwise, this will take forever!"

That statement was partly true. It would take forever in his human form and Kazuma wasn't keen on transforming into a raging demon in front of every adventurer in Axel. With that option falling under the table, he either had to chip away at the machine in a long battle of attrition or hope for the appearance of another solution.

"Kazuma?" Megumin approached him from behind and tugged on his coat for attention. She was holding a long package wrapped in blue paper and offered it to him. "This is for you!"

Kazuma eyed the gift. "You're not trying to prank me, are you? You didn't sell my sword and giftwrap a stick for laughs?"

The archwizard turned red and puffed her cheeks. "I'm not a childish idiot! Open it to see yourself!"

Kazuma put the damaged sword of Darkness in the ground to free his hand and took the package. A quick tear at the paper unveiled his katana, still looking like he remembered it. He unsheathed the sword and looked at the blade to see it shine brilliantly under the sunlight.

"I went to a weapon shop to get your sword sharpened and polished as a surprise for saving me. Sorry for taking it without asking, but I wanted to surprise you."

Her gesture touched Kazuma on a deep level. It felt like an eternity since somebody had done anything nice for him, let alone a girl as cute as Megumin. "I'm wasn't really mad at you. Next time, just ask me before you do something with my sword."

"Chunchunmaru!"

"What?" The warm tingles in his chest and stomach turned to ice.

"It's name is Chunchunmaru! The sword was already in perfect condition and the weapon shop couldn't do much, so I had spare money to name it for you with a branding."

Turning the sword in his hand confirmed her claim. The katana had big black lettering across the hilt which read the name Megumin just said.

"Isn't it cool? After today, everybody will know the name of the almighty sword Chunchunmaru!"

The smiling Kazuma tensed up to the point of shaking and tightened his grip on the blonde woman under his arm. During the whole exchange, they had completely forgotten about Darkness and the young man had yet to let go of her quivering form.

"Hng… being groped so roughly without my armor… can't breathe… Kazuma, you brute!"

A sudden electrical hum in the air stopped Kazuma from giving his pervy crusader some choice words about the right time and place for her freaky preferences. A quick use of his farsight revealed the source.

"The Destroyer is attacking! Take cover!"

Even lying on its back, the aim of the Destroyer was impeccable, firing a wave of fiery death towards the city from the head-mounted cannon. Kazuma dropped Darkness and jumped towards the attack with the intention of shielding everyone behind him. Two swords in hand, he spun them like the blades of a fan and took the full brunt to deflect the massive output of energy.

"That's so cool! Show that thing what Chunchunmaru is capable of! Nobody can compete with Chunchunmaru!"

"She means well. Don't hit her! She definetly deserves it but don't hit her!" Kazuma recited as mantra over and over again, until the laser was completely negated. Chunchunmaru survived the ordeal unscathed, but the sword of Darkness had melted like ice in the sunshine with only the hilt remaining in his hand.

After regaining his composure, he turned to the gawking crowd. "Let me ask again… does anybody have a plan to get through the shield of that stupid thing?"

Aqua raised her hand to the surprise of everyone. "My Sacred Spell Break might do it. Should I try, Kazuma?"

"I'm impressed by your initiative!" He patted her head like a proud parent. "Fail or success, It's nice to see you try to pull your weight for once!"

"Getting praised like a child doesn't make me happy! I want real praise!"

"You get all the praise you want when you actually accomplished something, useless goddess!"

"I will show you who's useless!" She trudged away in a huff, before stopping after a few steps. "Hey Kazuma, are you free after this?"

The sudden shift from angry to shy freaked Kazuma out. In all their time together, Aqua had never shown any quality that could have been considered as cute, which made it possible for him to sleep in the same stable as her. The blue-haired girl asking him out was a completely different beast, making him nervous with her hopeful expression.

It was like seeing a monkey in a tutu. Not impossible but highly unlikely and thus he had no strategy to approach it.

"I guess? Why?" Kazuma replied, feeling as if a vessel popped in his brain as Aqua blushed in response.

"No reason… we just... haven't hung out for a while. See you later!"

Aqua left, happily skipping with every step and humming an upbeat tune

"W… What was that? Kazuma, I'm getting goosebumps!?"

"I'm also getting cold shivers, and it's not the kind I enjoy…"

His archwizard and crusader put precisely into words how Kazuma felt about the situation. He also didn't appreciate the two of them suddenly huddling up and whispering to each other. Fortunately, he had a walking weapon of mass destruction to distract the destructive one of the pair.

"Megumin, I'm counting on your magic when the shield goes down!"

"Kazuma… I don't think even my explosion magic can take it down in a single blow."

Today seemed to be opposite day. Firstly, Aqua behaved like a decent, dateable human being and now Megumin had doubts about her explosion magic?

"I know explosion magic as well. Would that help?" Wiz the shopkeeper and secret lich, pushed herself through the crowd of adventurers. They all reacted with elation and great cheer to her arrival, praising the good fortune of having the former Ice Witch on their side. As already powerful archwizard in her former life and becoming several times stronger than that as undead, they had added substantial to their available firepower.

The prospect of a double cast also instantly reversed the forlorn mood of Megumin and the world was right again.

"Wiz, please walk the path of explosion with me!"

"Sure?"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

Aqua took point on top of the town gate, ready to fire her spell-breaking miracle at the Destroyer. Wiz and Megumin stood on separate watchtowers with the order to cast their magic when the shield went down. Kazuma gave the signal as soon as it had steadied itself and turned towards the town.

"Sacred Spell Break!" Aqua yelled and fired a massive ray of spell-ending death at the machine that impressed everybody to Kazuma's annoyance. Their archpriest could be genuinely impressive if she wanted to be, which only emphasized her laziness by doing something competent so rarely that he could count the examples on one hand.

Maybe his words had gotten through to her.

"_**Darkness blacker than black and darker than dark…"**_

The familiar chant of the explosion spell rang through the air in stereo as Megumin and Wiz prepared to obliterate the approaching enemy. The loss of its shield didn't discourage the moving fortress from advancing and they finished just in time to unleash a detonation twice as powerful, leaving a smoking heap of metal behind.

As explosion connoisseur himself he had to give the finishing blow full points. "Pretty straightforward solution at the end. Blowing the bad thing up always works."

DUE TO EXTREME DAMAGE, THE SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE WILL NOW INITIATE.

ALL CREW, PLEASE EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY. ALL CREW, PLEASE EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.

Panic broke out among the adventurers after hearing the message replay over and over again from the wrecked Destroyer. People ran as fast as they could in the opposite direction although Kazuma figured nobody would be fast enough to survive an explosion of a machine that big.

Despite that, he couldn't say he was surprised about that outcome. "It's my own fault for getting careless with words. Declaring victory before confirming the outcome is a tired cliche. My old gamer self would scold me harshly for such a rookie mistake."

He disappeared in a flash of light.

"The damn HikiNEET is ditching us!"

"No Aqua, look over there! He's on top of the fortress and is going in!"

The Destroyer stopped playing it's self-destruction message, shutting down as all of the spider eyes turned from red to black. Kazuma reappeared among his party members, sheathing his sword and sitting down.

"There was a big red core in the center. I figured it was the power source, so I threw it in a portal made by my sword. That should take care of things for good." Kazuma said with a confident smile to his party which dropped as soon as he was done speaking. "Son of a… I did it again! What is wrong with me today for triggering flags?"

Every piece of glass on the Destroyer broke with hot steam bursting out.

"It's internal heat is escaping! At this rate, the city will become a sea of flames!"

"Yeah Wiz, I noticed."

Options were running low at this point. Wiz and Megumin had no power left to blast the thing a second time, which meant they either needed a way to refill their batteries or find a third magic user with explosive magic. Only one person in Axel came to mind and Kazuma really didn't like the thought.

"Megumin, do you remember the talk about explosion magic after our first quest together?"

The addressed girl looked up to him from her lying position on the ground with a scared expression. "Oh no, has Kazuma given up and chose to use his last moments to wallow in memories? Is your whole life flashing before your eyes?"

He crouched down beside her and looked at the scorching piece of metal in the distance with a serene expression. "On that day, you offered to teach me explosion magic. Is that offer still valid?"

"You want to…" Megumin couldn't finish the sentence, gasping as he took out his adventurer card.

"I have the points for the skill, but it would be rude to learn explosion magic without asking for your approval. You won't be mad like Aqua when I tried to make her teach me healing magic? There won't be any bad feelings when I learn your signature skill?"

Tears of joy wasn't something Kazuma had prepared for as a reaction. "None whatsoever! Kazuma learning explosion magic would make me very happy..."

His finger ran over the entry in the menu to confirm the skill allocation, then he used the same finger to point in the general direction of the Destroyer.

"Explosion."

The thing exploded, leaving nothing but scrap metal. A pretty anticlimactic end for a boss, but Kazuma knew better than voicing his opinion and tempting fate a third time .

Megumin had no such misgivings to make her displeasure known. "Zero points! You did your explosion without chant while sitting down! What kind of watered down explosion magic was that? How could you disappoint the hopes of a pure maiden!?"

"I couldn't think of anything on the fly. I thought going for the 'you aren't even worth my effort' style would be cool!"

Megumin kept complaining as he picked her off the ground and all the way into town. "This won't do! My crimson demon soul won't allow it! A man who walks the path of explosion with me needs to embrace it with his full heart! I will teach you everything as my pupil!"

"Does your curriculum contain lessons about falling face first without eating dirt?"

"It's a skill, don't laugh about it!"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

The pulsating migraines and his serious case of dry cottonmouth were a pretty good measuring stick for the magnitude of a party.

Kazuma's new devil powers didn't help him against the effects of ingesting copious amounts of alcohol into his body. Memory wasn't any better either, the events of yesterday's celebration just a blurry fog of roaring debauchery and merriment.

A lot of drinking experience had been accumulated since coming to this world, especially from his early beginnings as a laborer, but he could feel the last night had topped anything prior.

Most of all from the feeling of a warm body pressed against him under the sheets.

"Mmmh, good morning my little sheep. Ready to face a new day with your Aqua-sama?"

The goddess propped up on her elbow beside him cleared the cobwebs in his head. Quick flashes of images went through his mind, reconstructing the events that led Kazuma to share a bed with a serene smiling Aqua.

They had started at the guild hall, drinking with all the other adventurers until the staff kicked them out. He couldn't recall any scenes with Darkness and Megumin after that, so Kazuma assumed the two had gone home.

For Aqua and him, that was considered a warm-up. The blue-haired archpriest may be irritating but she was the greatest drinking buddy a guy could ask for in a woman. The next scene in his head showed them both bar hopping and meet up with colleagues from their times as laborers.

Somewhere around bar number five they danced on the tables wearing no clothes.

At bar nine they were dancing wearing each other's clothes.

In his humble opinion, he made a good figure in a skirt.

A headache flashed his memories forward to him holding Aqua's hair while she projectile-vomited rainbows. They supported each other walking through the streets and Aqua had led him somewhere through a secluded alley.

Kazuma's recollection got weird after that with a sudden background shift to a church, pale moonlight coming through the stained glass window as Aqua's face approached him, wearing a cute smile.

Then suddenly nothing. The last piece of the evening was missing.

A huge wave of nausea washed over him as Aqua presented a piece of paper with his signature. "I'm so excited Kazuma signed a contract to join my flock of believers! Consider it your first step in devil rehab! Eris will be so jealous!"

She put a pin with the symbol of the Axis church on his shirt. Kazuma stared at her happy face, picked up a bottle from the nightstand and began chugging its content.

"Ah, that's my wine! Kazuma you fiend!"


	6. Chapter 6

The day after defeating the Destroyer was an interesting one. Kazuma had spent most of it sleeping off his hangover and cursing the name of a certain useless goddess. In the meantime, Darkness and Megumin had cashed in the lion's share from the reward money since their group had been the only one fighting against the threat.

Three hundred million Eris and the information that they wouldn't get quests anytime soon. The rest of the adventurers in Axel were fighting over the paltry amount of quests left, since Kazuma had cleared out all the profitable ones. Out of fairness, the guild had decided to bench Kazuma's party until enough new quests had popped up, which left them with time for other things.

"Why do I have suddenly so many points in useless skills? Twenty ranks in Entertainer?!"

Things like bickering at the kitchen table with your useless archpriest.

"What's the big deal? You still have tons of points left!" Aqua said with a full mouth of food and shifty eyes, confirming who's responsible for his new stat allocation and earning an early knuckle-sandwich. Contract or not, at least he could still reprimand the girl for bad behaviour.

Megumin snatched Kazuma's adventurer card from the table. "Did you learn any spells? You are aware that anyone walking the path of explosion is forbidden to lower themselves to other forms of magic?"

Kazuma let go of Aqua to turn his attention towards Megumin, leaving the goddess to nurse the two bumps on her head. "That's only you! Don't enforce your ridiculous limitations on others!"

"You can't! Please!"

It was surprisingly hard to wrestle the card away from Megumin, since the little girl had an iron grip and wouldn't budge. She was close to tears when he finally managed to get it back, looking at her plate in low spirits.

Crying females worked wonders on Kazuma when their names weren't Aqua. "I won't learn any more magic, so chill out and eat your food before it gets cold."

Megumin cheered up and dug into her food with gusto, instantly believing Kazuma's words and getting two pairs of eyes watching their exchange with interest from across the table.

"Kazuma, all those women staring at us through the windows are making me nervous…" Darkness pointed out a new development. The succubi from the shop had found out where Kazuma lived and decided to shadow his home outside their work hours, which started from early in the morning until late afternoon.

Wherever he was located in the mansion, a handful of succubi could always be found nearby watching his every move. Most of the time they were hiding, but the more daring specimens sat on the windowsills like needy cats, pressing their scantily clad bodies against the glass to entice him.

"Ignore them and pass me the salt."

"Here master!" the flat chested loli succubus appeared from behind a curtain in a maid outfit and handed Kazuma a salt shaker with a big smile.

He took it without looking up from his plate. "Thanks, now get out of my house!"

Aqua made a face as if she had bit into a lemon. "Ugh, the whole house reeks of demons. I would use a barrier to keep the stanky bitches away but somebody doesn't allow me to do that!"

Nobody was as unhappy about the succubi than the water goddess, chasing them away like raccoons from a dumpster and Kazuma wasn't happy to constantly get in the crossfire of her anti-demon operations.

"I won't let you put up a barrier, because It would lock me out from my own home! Stop trying to destroy them and ignore the harmless lust leeches."

"Your so understanding master!"

"I said get out of my house!" The salt shaker shattered against the wall behind the succubus and she fled the room with a shriek.

Aqua looked at her still unseasoned eggs with a pout. "Why are you so moody today?"

The grinding of teeth and building veins on his forehead showcased how desperately Kazuma wanted to avoid answering, but since it was Aqua who asked he had no choice.

"Because I was once again dumb enough to think a girl actually liked me, only to be tricked into joining a fanatic cult full of weirdos. More than anything, I'm disappointed in myself for getting my hopes up."

Kazuma kept shoveling omelette into his mouth with a blank stare during the following awkward silence. The innate truth enchantment from Aqua had been fun at first, until they realized how much he actually censored himself to keep the peace in the party.

"Darkness, I need your help today for a project. It's nothing weird, so please don't make it weird."

"Me…? Ok!"

She followed Kazuma out of the kitchen and the distant sound of a closing door told the remaining party members that they had left the mansion. Megumin had a spotless empty plate while Aqua still stared at her cold eggs with an unreadable expression.

A rare opportunity to talk with the archpriest alone presented itself and Megumin took it. "Aqua, why did you trick Kazuma in joining your religion?"

"It was the perfect solution for our devil problem! As goddess, it is my duty to exterminate demons and unconditionally love my followers. Getting him to join my church balances everything out!"

Aqua nodded to herself in agreement and ate from her plate with a smile.

"Is that your only motivation for doing this?" Megumin asked, not sure why she felt the need to inquire further. Maybe it was because Aqua knew Kazuma the longest and had information about his former life. Kazuma's past was a topic he avoided whenever somebody asked him about it.

Now was the chance to find out more and Megumin asked the first thing that came to her mind.

"Do you like Kazuma?"

"What kind of question is that? He's Kazuma!" Aqua said and continued eating in a more frantic manner. The fond smile on her face when the goddess said his name caused Megumin's chest to ache in a way she wasn't familiar with experiencing.

She had gotten the same feeling when Kazuma asked Darkness to accompany him.

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

Darkness repeatedly glanced at their party leader since they left the mansion. He had not said a single word to her for several minutes, walking in a lazy gait without a care about the stares from all the people passing him on the street.

"Kazuma, where are we going and why did you leave the house in your sleepwear?

They came to a sudden stop when Kazuma looked down on himself to check his attire, red boxer shorts, a white t-shirt with an axis-church pin and his comfy slippers. A click of his tongue and some weird finger motions later, the young man equipped the blue Vergil clothes from his inventory.

"How did you do that?" Darkness asked, seeing him change in an instant into a complete ensemble fitting for a noble party.

"Magic," he answered offhandedly, trying to keep the specifics of his new powers vaque. "Don't tell Megumin. I think the trick is minor enough not to upset her but why take a chance?"

"You are spoiling her too much lately. A young girl needs to learn boundaries, otherwise her behaviour will get out of control."

Kazuma stopped again and looked at her with a soul piercing stare. "First of all I'm not her caretaker and secondly you have no business lecturing others about uncontrolled behaviour," he said matter-of-factly and made Darkness pout with a blush. "And to answer your first question, we are getting you a new sword. I broke your old one and the crusader in my party needs something pointy and sharp to hit stuff."

The promise of a new weapon overshadowed her indignation, turning her sheepish and giddy with excitement. "You really shouldn't have…"

"I'm not buying you anything. I crunched the numbers and making it myself is much cheaper."

"You are making my new sword?" Darkness asked with a lot less enthusiasm.

"Yep, right here!" His finger pointed at the weapon store across the street. "Oh, don't look so disappointed! If it's bad you're free to buy one with your money!"

Darkness watched Kazuma approach the shop owner and ask for permission to use his forge. While they haggled for the usage fee, the crusader browsed the assortment of weapons for possible candidates to buy at a later date. The gesture to replace her sword was appreciated but she didn't have much confidence in his ability to make a replacement.

She would thank him for his effort and wait a few days before changing. It wasn't as if she would hit something with a sword anyway.

"Giving up already?" Darkness asked him when he came back from the forge after twenty minutes.

"Oh you of little faith! For your information, I'm already done. The crafting system in this world is ridiculously convenient and exploitable!"

As a non-native to this world, Kazuma still had moments when the video game logic clashed with his real world sensitivities. Pretty up there on the list was the creation of weapons and other items. It worked just like in an rpg, taking the materials and activating your skill to magically create what you wanted, if your level was high enough to succeed.

So it happened, that he had chosen all the high-grade materials left in his inventory and clicked on the create button at the forge menu to make a weapon. It took the same time as somebody getting coffee from a vending machine.

Kazuma presented his creation to Darkness with pride.

It was a massive sword with heavy, double-edged blade, notched on both sides near the tip. The grip was plain, but the guard looked skeletal, with a skull-design on each side leading to a rib cage from which the blade emerged. On one side, the skull was human, while the other had a horned demon skull.

"It's name is Rebellion. Let's try it out in the back!"

The sword was definetly more elaborate than Darkness would have expected, but she still had her doubts about it. Rebellion didn't look very suitable for a knight with its demonic look. It was also quite a bit larger than her old one, giving it a cumbersome feel instead of the noble elegance she wanted.

Outside in the backyard, he handed it to her with a smile and she took it to humor him. The first surprise was the fact she could wield it comfortable in one hand. Despite its size, the massive sword felt incredibly light and easy to handle.

"Putting the evil look aside, the quality of your sword is amazing! How did you make this?"

"I poured a ton of points in weapon smithing and enchanting. I figured putting ranks in something useful is better than waiting for another accident to happen that wastes them all."

"Enchanting? This sword is magical?" she asked with renewed interest in the weapon and saw him unsheathe his sword in response. "Why are you drawing your weapon?"

Their party leader had become positively ecstatic. "To have a little sparring match! How else would you test a new weapon?"

Darkness replied with a smile to match his own. She always wanted to test herself against Kazuma and even more after his reincarnation.

"Oh one small thing," Kazuma made a red leather coat appear from his inventory. "Could you put this on for me?"

"What does it do?"

"It looks cool."

Darkness shrugged and put the long coat over her casual clothes. Looking at herself to make sure it fit, she glanced towards Kazuma and saw an even bigger smile on his face as he examined her new look. "You look great! Let's go!"

His enthusiasm was contagious. The two squared off in the backyard and charged at each other. The first time her hit connected with Kazuma's blade, Darkness attributed it to chance. On the second and third she thought the gods had granted her a very good day.

Then they started wailing on each other and Darkness lost count past a hundred. Sparks ignited all around them for several minutes until they flew apart with one final clash, skidding over the ground and leaving deep furrows.

"How… why…?" She panted out of breath while Kazuma still looked fresh as he approached her.

"Layers upon layers of dexterity and accuracy enchantments. With that sword you won't miss anymore. That's a Kazuma Satou money-back guarantee!"

Kazuma lost his footing from a pull of Darkness on his arm. He fell forward, landing headfirst in her soft bosom as she hugged him and rested her chin on his head.

"Thank you… thank you…"

They remained like this until her tears soaked his hair.


	7. Chapter 7

The citizens of Axel were used to crazy behaviour. All kinds of questionable individuals traveled through the adventurer town and most of them didn't even get the raise of an eyebrow anymore. As such, the people crossing the path of Kazuma today simply switched to the other side of the street.

A young man walking down the market in fancy clothes and rubbing his cheek with a dumb grin barely registered on the weirdness scale. Kazuma wouldn't have cared either way, too happy about the latest event still fresh in his mind. The simple gift of having her attacks hit had overwhelmed his crusader into doing something incredible.

Darkness had kissed him goodbye on the cheek.

Pretty minor occurrence for most, but for the inexperienced teenager it might as well have been a life-changing experience. She had run off in a hurry the second her soft lips pulled away from his skin, excited to visit her family and tell them the good news. A dumbfounded Kazuma had stayed behind, unsure if the uncharacteristically gentle interaction with the raging pervert truly had happened.

Aimless wandering through town occurred and before he knew it, Kazuma stood in front of a familiar magic shop and decided to might as well pay his favorite lich a visit. "Hey Wiz, Darkness said you never cashed in your share of the reward for the Destroyer. Aren't you desperate for money to keep your destitute shop afloat?"

"It's not that bad!" Wiz protested from behind her counter. "Besides, I didn't feel like I contributed enough to warrant getting so much money."

This woman was too nice to be a lich or a shop owner. The status as undead most likely had been the only reason preventing her from starving to death from poverty.

"Don't be so modest or you will never turn a profit! You did as much as Megumin and she got the most recognition for defeating the Destroyer."

The sound of shattering glass rang across the room and a small cloud of smoke rose from behind a shelf of potions.

"Ah, sorry!"

"Dear customer, every broken item has to be bought, as I have told you every day for the last five days." Wiz reprimanded and Kazuma felt a wave of annoyance towards this new person from the otherwise always patient woman.

"Of course, I'm sorry!" The undetected customer walked to the counter in a slump and gave the opportunity to take a better look at her.

She was a beautiful young girl with crimson eyes and mid-length dark brown hair tied into two twin-tails that rested on her shoulders. Aside from being taller and more buxom, she was very similar in appearance to Megumin.

Her taste in clothes was different, wearing a low-cut blouse and ultra-short pink miniskirt which showed off a lot of skin in stark contrast to her shy behavior. She avoided eye contact as much as possible while Wiz added the cost for the broken merchandise.

"Say, you wouldn't be acquainted with Megumin by any chance?" Kazuma asked her and winced from his train of thought. The assumption that the two girls knew each other because of similar looks would be hard to explain if she asked for his reasoning.

"We are rivals from the same village," She answered in a shaky voice. "My name is Yunyun."

He offered a handshake. "Satou Kazuma, I live together with the explosive menace."

"Living together?" Yunyun stared at the outstretched hand with a deep blush. "Has she not only outmatched me as a crimson demon but as a woman too? Has that hand done things to her?"

"I don't know what you're imagining, but let me assure you there's nothing going on with me and Megumin! Come with me and ask her yourself!"

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want to be a nuisance to anybody. Should I bring something to make it worthwhile for her?"

Something about the way she said those words made his skin crawl. Humans handled loneliness differently, depending on their personality and environment. People like him fled into their virtual worlds and mindless diversions to mask their insecurities while others went to more dangerous vices like drugs and gambling.

The chances were good that the girl in front of him had chosen another dangerous way to handle loneliness. A person who was fine with going to great lengths and deprivations to have a human connection with somebody.

Such a person would only get more desperate with time.

"Take a seat, Yunyun." Kazuma ordered and she obeyed without even questioning him, which was another thing Kazuma worried about and drove his conviction to be blunt. "You have no friends. Give me all your money and I will be your friend."

Wiz came back with tea just in time to give Kazuma a disgusted look. He wasn't bothered by it and stared Yunyun down until she hesitantly reached for her bag.

"That was a test and you failed. Keep your money and listen, because I might have a solution for your friend problem."

He had her full attention in an instant.

"How to make friends isn't as cut and dry as people make you believe. You can't force it, but you can increase your odds. Think about all the people you watched from afar and choose the person who made you envious the most. What kind of person were they?"

"Cool, brave, confident with a lot of admirers…" Despair took hold of the young girl as the hopelessness of her situation was laid bare in simple terms. "I can't be like that… I'm the complete opposite!"

"I never said you have to be anything. Confidence and charisma can be faked as easily as friendliness or concern. It isn't about how Yunyun would act but rather how a person with a lot of friends would."

"Like having a role in a play?" Yunyun asked and gave a small smile when he nodded.

"The most important part is the first impression. Being popular is a battlefield where you have to land the first strike to succeed. Nothing leaves a better lasting impression than a memorable entrance."

Introductions and poses had been an actual part of the curriculum at her school. She knew the ins and outs of said topics in theory, but putting the knowledge into action was a different matter. Yunyun waited for an opportunity to comment about her shortcomings, when Kazuma already addressed the issue for her.

"When in doubt, go for broke and never break character! It often helps to avoid awkward situations by being more aggressive and boisterous than the others to mask your own insecurities."

Something inside Yunyun's mind clicked in understanding. Kazuma could see it from the glow in her eyes. "Like proclaiming yourself the greatest wizard of all time, even though you know only one hyper specific spell and refuse to learn anything else?"

Kazuma just nodded.

Several minutes of silence followed.

"So that's it? Pretending to be somebody else for the rest of my life?"

Her resistance to the idea made Kazuma sigh in relief. Many from his old world were happy with a shallow life like that, always trying to stay popular no matter the cost. Seeing the problems with that without ever having experienced popularity herself showed Yunyun had a good head on her shoulders.

"This is just the first next step is to let your real personality come through to see how people react. Get rid of anybody who doesn't accept this change and go further towards showing the real you with the leftover candidates. Lather rinse repeat, until a small group of true friends remain."

There was a certain risk attached, but Kazuma was sure she would succeed. This method of making friends hinged on the notion that you had qualities others could like in time. Not succeeding pretty much meant you had nothing of value to offer.

A true all-or-nothing move.

"Do you really think there will be a person left to be my friend at the end?"

The problem wasn't getting people to like her. Yunyun had all the qualities to maintain a real friendship, just not enough confidence to take the initiative. Sooner rather than later she wouldn't need this crutch anymore.

"You already made one friend today."

The realization of what Kazuma meant came with the brightest smile he'd ever seen and the certainty that Yunyun would be ok.

Who could say no to that face?

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

Yunyun had left after some more small talk and thanking Wiz for the tea. God knows what she would come up with as a popular personality, but he had high hopes and was rooting for her success. No decent person should have to be alone when the troublemakers were drowning in company.

"Oh, it's you."

Speak of the devil and she shall appear. Two streets away from his home, he had the questionable pleasure to meet a recent troublemaker. Although he considered Chris the thief as a friend, she seemed to like getting on his nerves lately.

"Yeah, me!" the silver-haired girl said with a piercing glare. "Don't you get sassy after playing that dirty trick on us yesterday!"

Kazuma sighed deeply. Apparently she was motivated to continue where they had left off last time. "You mean the trick that kept you two from facing the consequences of second degree murder? Darkness is out of town, so whatever you want with her has to wait."

He turned to walk away through another street and found himself face to face again with the girl through her Lurk skill. "It's you I'm looking for!"

"I'm flattered but would rather not associate myself with you at the moment. As of late, you seem a bit unhinged."

Chris poked him sharply in the chest with a finger. "Only because you can't see how dangerous associating with devils can be! They trick you and take advantage of your plights to further their own agenda!"

"That sounds familiar…" Kazuma said with the image of a certain blue-haired archpriest coming to his mind. "The difference between making a contract with a devil and a goddess is minimal at best, and the former at least let me see the damn thing on paper before signing. Hell has been good to me so far and I might reconsider your proposal if that ever changes."

"Please you can't…"

Kazuma's senses went haywire in the middle of her appeal, warning him of a threat pouncing on him from above. A casual sidestep and three stabs with his sheathed sword took care of the attackers, but two dozen more had surrounded him before the first wave had hit the ground.

All the remaining hooded figures kept their distance from him, seemingly wary after the surprise attack had failed. The shocked expression of Chris was the only saving grace for his mood, indicating that she didn't have anything to do with this.

"The thorn in our goddess's side has finally been found!" proclaimed the cloaked person at the front with overblown theatrics. "Satou Kazuma, we devout followers of Eris have felt the distress of our goddess and went to great lengths to divine you as the despicable source!"

Agreeing murmurs came from the rest of the crowd.

"Chris, this is weirding me out. Did your goddess send her goons after me like a mob boss?"

"She didn't do any of what you just said, Kazuma! Sometimes the faithful can pick up on the mood of their goddess through premonitions and come to weird conclusions. Eris would never do that on purpose!"

The crowd was unperturbed by the pleas of Chris and Kazuma shrugged in the face of the rabbid zealots. If the first three were anything to go by, his opponents weren't even on the level of adventurers. Using the sword on such a large crowd increased the risk of doing lasting harm and he wasn't a big fan of getting a body count.

"_Fisticuffs it is then!"_ Kazuma thought and unequipped the sword and his long coat, leaving the dark blue vest and dress shirt beneath. Handicapped to unarmed combat would hopefully prevent his opponents from dying.

"Look at his chest! He has the gift of a goddess!"

The pin Aqua had given him was still there for everyone to see. Through all the commotion this morning he simply had forgotten to take it off. Kazuma hadn't thought much about the little trinket, but the thing must be a pretty huge deal judging by the dumbstruck look on Chris's face and the shouts from the crowd.

"It must be a fake! A goddess hasn't chosen a personal champion in centuries!"

"Idiot, any human would feel the wrath of the gods for even attempting to make a copy! Can't you feel the divine aura from this object of power? The fine blue vestments are another proof!"

"Goddess Aqua has chosen her champion! What does that mean?"

In a strange way, Kazuma felt slightly touched by that revelation. It wasn't every day that a goddess nominated you to be her representative in the mortal realm, although he doubted that Aqua was fully aware about her actions at the time. She always does what she pleases no matter the consequences.

The ringleader of the group turned around and spoke to the crowd with raised hands. "My fellow believers, this goes deeper than the misdeeds of one man. The resentment of Eris for this individual is a sign from our goddess to combat against the malicious influence of the axis church as a whole!"

"No it's not!" Chris protested, pulled out of her shocked state just in time to see the group scatter in all directions. "Where are you going? Don't do anything rash! Eris will get mad! Kazuma… uh... We settle this later! I have something to take care of!"

And with those final words, Chris gave chase after the group of zealous Eris worshippers while Kazuma wondered why every cute girl in this world came with a mountain of baggage attached.


	8. Chapter 8

The quest ban for Kazuma and his party was enforced for only three days. Some adventurers had explored a new part of a beginner dungeon and found the builder, a powerful lich named Keele with the wish for purification. His wish to leave this world peacefully made it extremely awkward for parties to engage him when he wasn't putting up a fight and regenerated afterwards.

That's where the local archpriest of Axel had entered the conversation. Aqua may be useless most of the time, but she had unrivaled skills when it came to handling undead and the confrontation with the dullahan Verdias was still fresh in everyone's memory.

So it was decided that Axel's most famous party would take over. It was their first quest since the Winter Shogun and Kazuma could already tell on the way to the dungeon how weird the mood had gotten in the last few days.

Darkness was very awkward and reserved around him since her return. The initial excitement about her new ability had worn off enough to make her realize what she had done shortly before leaving and be deeply embarrassed about it. For a girl that craved abuse in all forms, the blonde was astonishingly maidenlike in terms of showing affection.

Although it was kind of adorable that Darkness wore the red coat he gifted her at every opportunity.

Megumin acted weird since he mentioned meeting Yunyun. She kept watch like a hawk for her appearance and became more tense every day her fellow crimson demon failed to appear. Kazuma guessed this was also the reason for her clinginess on their daily explosion strolls.

Otherwise, the archwizard was dead set on teaching him the art of explosion. His explosions weren't as impressive as hers, but after every spell they casted together Megumin looked at him like a proud parent.

Aqua was weird in general, so the unusual part came with the intensity and type. For the past few days, she constantly hovered around him without ever telling the reason. The only clue was a noise he heard every time Aqua came in proximity.

_*sniff sniff*_

Kazuma stopped without warning and felt a hot breath on his neck. "Aqua, is there any reason why you keep sniffing me?"

Caught in the act, the goddess increased the distance between them with a backstep and avoided eye contact.

"I'm trying to solve the mystery of Kazuma's smell!" She said and stared at the confused faces of her party before stomping her feet in response. "Kazuma still smells like devil, but I don't find it repulsive anymore!"

This was something Kazuma had overlooked completely. Her constant nagging about the evil stench in their mansion had stopped at the same time when her closeness to him had started. Otherwise she acted the same as always towards him, just with the personal space reduced by half.

"In fact, I kinda like it…"

Kazuma tilted his head and rubbed his ears, unsure if he had heard Aqua right. The pale faces of Megumin and Darkness confirmed that he didn't misunderstand their archpriest.

Aqua became aware of what she just said and went to the usual response of panicked crying and clinging onto him. "What have you done to me? What kind of devilish spell have you put on a pure goddess?!"

The big difference to the norm was the position of her face, buried deep in his chest and breathing in deeply.

"Uhm, it's ok?" He patted her head and looked at his other two companions for help. "You smell pretty good yourself, so we're even?"

"Really?" She looked up at him with a pout. "What do I smell like?"

The answer had to be honest, but he never had taken the time to pin down the components of Aqua's unique fragrance. Without hesitation, Kazuma held some of her hair to his nose and inhaled. Three baffled girls with blushes on their faces watched as the only male in their group thought long and hard to pinpoint the mix of smells.

"Honey, morning dew and malt liquor?"

Aqua was taken back by his answer and gave Megumin an opportunity to jump into the conversation. "Kazuma Kazuma! What am I?"

"Cinnamon, ozone and cinder." He answered without taking a whiff. "I carried you on my back often enough to know your scent by heart."

Darkness suddenly stood very close to him and tried to look uninterested in the current topic. The tall blonde failed the task spectacularly by letting her ponytail hang in front of his face and stealing quick glances at him.

Kazuma sighed and breathed in to recite her fragrance components. "Lavender, damp earth and weapon oil."

Three girls trying to smell themselves and get confirmation of his claim without attracting attention was equally funny and annoying for the leader of this hopeless party. "Listen, you all smell very good and don't have to be anxious about comparing unfavourably in terms of body odor. Could we focus on the task at hand and get to the dungeon?"

They continued their walk in an awkward silence and the occasional sniffing sound from two more girls, which Kazuma ignored for the sake of expediting their travel. If his memory was right, the exit to the forest should come any moment and reveal the clearing surrounding the entrance to the dungeon.

Aqua was in front, stopping suddenly at the treeline and holding her nose.

"Uh it reeks!"

"Make up your mind woman!"

"Not you! That guy!" The goddess pointed towards a lone figure standing in front of the dungeon with their back towards them.

A dramatic turnaround revealed a very tall guy in a fancy black suit and short dark-blue hair. The black and white mask on his face covered only the top half, leaving the wide smile underneath for everyone to see.

"Welcome, adventurers! I am the root of all evil, and the source of your problems! A commander in the Devil King's army, and a duke of hell who leads an army of demons. The archdemon whose sight pierces all in this world. I am Vanir!"

Everything about the demeanor and mannerisms of this devil were the epitome of hamming it up for an audience. As such, the reactions to his elaborate introduction among this audience varied in intensity and mood.

Aqua ground her teeth together and growled like an animal at the devil.

Megumin was laser focused on Vanir's mask, spellbound by its cool design.

Kazuma just stared expressionless.

Darkness took action by unveiling her sword Rebellion. She had carried the massive two-hander on her back wrapped in cloth to keep it nice and clean. One could question why you would do that to a tool which is supposed to be drenched in blood and gore, but the crusader loved her new toy and nobody felt inclined to spoil her enjoyment.

"A servant of the goddess Eris cannot stay idle in the face of a demon!"

At this moment, Kazuma realized a great discrepancy in her statement. How could Darkness justify being in a party with a half-devil and simultaneously spout righteous lines like that?

Vanir raised his hands to appease the rising tension. "Well, just calm yourselves. Moi may be one of the Devil King's commanders, but all I do is maintain the barrier around his castle. A commander in name only, if you will. My ironclad rule is not to harm any humans."

"Your treacherous promises and honeyed words fall on deaf ears! As a crusader, it is my duty to banish all demons and devils from this world!"

Ok, now Kazuma felt the need to step in. "You do realize I am a devil as well, right?"

The casual question took the wind out of her sails and the heroic posture of Darkness visibly slumped as she answered with a mumble. "You're different…"

"Why?"

"You just are, okay? Stop pestering me!"

Amusement about the situation was clearly visible on the face of Vanir while the two bickered like an old married couple.

"A fellow devil, huh? Well that explains why my powers don't work on you, although the immunity of the archpriest is still puzzling." He mustered the sweating Aqua with intrigue. "I am what is commonly known as demonkin who feeds on the dark emotions of humans, so why would I destroy my only source of sustenance? Would you talk some sense into your companion?"

Being reprimanded like a child and getting brushed off, Darkness stood there with a pout and her sword gripped in both hands. Strangely enough, her growing frustration was just the thing to regain the attention of Vanir.

"Regardless of my inability to feed on one part of your group, the other half makes more than up for it. Such delicious insecurities, all concerning the only male of your party."

Megumin had shown the rare common sense to stay out of the conversation so far, but getting directly addressed made her plan to wait for the right moment to explode the opponent obsolete. Her mind was racing to figure out what the devil could be talking about.

He was kind enough to tell everybody with a smile.

"The lackluster archwizard with the explosive fetish, yearning for somebody to understand her passion. A genius only on paper that dreams secretly to share her love for explosions by doing shared poses and chants, just to get cold feet just before asking time and time again. The blossoming teenager whose favorite place in the world is on someone else's back."

With Megumin successfully flustered, his eyes turned to Darkness.

"The sheltered lady from a noble house with a thirst for adventure and a very particular taste in men. A lonely girl who prayed every night for somebody to accept her in their party and is eternally thankful to have found three. A lewd woman whose greatest shame is her dreams involving a certain party member and a very big…"

Vanir paused.

"Ok girl, that's just bizarre!"

Darkness jumped at Vanir with a frantic warcry. The surprised devil took the full brunt of her sword swing and got cut in two at the hips. The falling parts turned to ash before they hid the ground, leaving only the mask on top of the pile.

"Did you just kill a guy because he embarrassed you?"

"He was a general of the Devil King!"

"That's not the reason you attacked him and you know it!"

Darkness and Kazuma were too occupied with their squabble to notice the dangerous glint from the mask. In a split second, it shot off the ground and attached itself to Darkness's face. Screams rang through the air as she tried to resist whatever was happening to her without much success.

What it was became clear as soon as the mouth of Darkness opened to speak and a very posh male voice came out. "She actually managed to hit me! Moi made the error of equating her lack of common sense to lack of skill." The devil did a little twirl and hopping in place to test her movement. "This body combined with the sword is quite the force to be reckoned with."

"Thanks, I made it myself." Kazuma said, relieved that the devil still seemed cordial to them despite Darkness jumping the gun. "I guess you want to keep that body and won't give it up without a fight?"

"Your guess would be correct, boy."

Aqua decided now was the best time to chime in. "Kazuma, there's no need to hold back! If you accidentally kill Darkness, I can bring her back no problem. That's child's play for a goddess like myself!"

A black aura appeared around Darkness with a tense atmosphere. "Goddess you say?"

"And suddenly this whole situation became a lot more complicated. Thanks, Aqua."

The aura intensified tenfold. "Oh, and the obnoxious goddess of the axis cult to boot?"

"That one was your fault Kazuma!" Aqua cried as Darkness disappeared in a flash and reappeared right in front the archpriest with her sword raised. "Eek, Kazuma help!"

Kazuma disappeared similarly and got between the two at the last moment to stop the attack with his katana. Aqua cowered behind him and stared up at the display in awe.

He was blocking the massive sword with one arm.

"Listen, I know heaven and hell doesn't like each other very much, but I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't attack my useless goddess."

He had sounded more cocky than he was actually feeling with this match. A Darkness that used the full potential of her body was a real drastic change. Most of his opponents so far, monsters and human alike, didn't even register on above normal difficulty in game terms. As mentioned by Vanir, a competent Darkness with Rebellion turned out to be a real bossfight.

Doable, but a bossfight nonetheless with all of the hassle attached.

A quick palm strike against her stomach created some distance as the possessed Darkness was thrown backwards. Vanir put her hand on the place he had hit her and felt the obvious dent in the metal armor.

Darkness chose this moment to make her presence known. "Kazuma, I will endure any pain and abuse you dish out! As a crusader I will keep resisting the demon even if it will cause immeasurable agony!"

"I need you to shut up and do nothing. Let me handle the mess you put us in, you muscle-headed woman."

Darkness puffed up her cheeks and sulked while Vanir took her body into a battle stance. "You look bored, boy."

"You can't beat me Vanir."

"We will see…" Vanir said with a grin and charged, forcing a parry and baiting a counter.

Kazuma wasn't expecting Vanir to drop his guard completely as a reaction. With how weighty Rebellion was, he needed to put a lot of force in his hits with Chunchunmaru to not get pushed back. That force was now flying towards her neck and needed a last second course correction to avoid taking Darkness's head off.

A move that left him wide open for a Vanir's counter attack.

"Moi will say it again, this sword is really exceptional." Vanir thrusted the man-sized blade into Kazuma's stomach and pulled it out with buckets of blood splashing on the ground.

The gaping hole slowed him down enough to miss almost every parry for the following barrage of hits raining down on him. Cut up, bloodied and broken in some places, the regeneration of his body was put into overdrive as wounds opened and closed in quick succession.

Aqua stepped up to the combatants confidently with her staff brandished. Doing a twirl and pose, which was more for show than everything else, the archpriest pointed the tip at Kazuma. "Looks like the NEET needs the gracious help of his goddess after all. Sacred Great Heal!"

"No, wait!" Kazuma screamed, but it was too late to stop Aqua. The magic circle appeared under his feet and enveloped him completely to unleash its curative power. But instead of healing his wounds, they all burst into flames and set Kazuma's whole body on fire under his deafening cries of pain. The spell finished with a badly burned body, which regenerated now noticeably slower.

Megumin and Darkness called his name in fright as he dropped to one knee with Aqua frozen in her confident pose. The whole body of Darkness was shaking in a desperate attempt to regain control and Megumin threw herself in his arms after a sprint to shield him from further attacks.

The archwizard hoped desperately that Vanir's vow about not harming humans turned out to be true.

It had the desired effect of stopping the archdemon, but only long enough to gloat at Aqua. "Only the boneheaded deity of the axis church would use holy magic on a devil and expect a different outcome. Or did you maybe see a chance to rid yourself of an unwanted party member?"

"I...he…" Aqua was still too shellshocked to fire back with an insult, excuse or anything else.

"So it was an accident! How deliciously pathetic!" The sudden tears from Darkness running down from under the mask made Vanir's laughing ten times more creepy. "Why are you struggling so much muscle-headed girl? A devil to vanquish stands right in front of you! They must all be purged from this world, didn't you say so with all the self-righteousness of a holy warrior?"

Despite the dramatic scene, Kazuma wasn't all that worried about his own health. Even with his wounds, he estimated his victory over Vanir as almost certain. Beating Darkness wasn't the problem though, since this devil really fought dirty and Kazuma had no interest in fatally injuring his party member.

A pity things turned out this way, because his first impressions about devils had been much better up to this point.

"That gives me an interesting idea..." The sudden exclamation from him surprised the archdemon and his party. Megumin didn't let go of Kazuma when he tried to get up and was forced to hold her in an awkward princess carry with one arm under her thighs and both of her arms wrapped around his neck.

The other hand was tightly gripped around his sword and he gave Vanir a confident smile.

The duke of hell wasn't impressed. "Do you intend to fight moi with the little girl as your shield? Let me tell you she's not amused from the emotions I'm feeling from her."

Feeling emotions wasn't necessary to recognize that from Megumin's big frown on her face, which he neutralized by booping her on the nose and giving a reassuring smile. "In my old life, there has always been one surefire thing to get me out of trouble. I swore to never use it again, but I'm sure anybody would understand why I had to fall back on it."

The new devil took a stance against the old devil, sword raised and ready to strike. Vanir's interest was at its peak and he prepared himself for this ultimate attack. It turned out to be two slices through the air several yards to the right of Vanir, who watched the tear in reality and opening of a portal with confusion.

Today, Kazuma would show Vanir the power of snitching to your superior.

"DEVIL-CHAN!"

The portal flickered for a moment and the black abyss turned red. Irritated grumbling came from the other side before a petite little girl with red hair appeared under baffled stares. Kazuma knew the individual, but the appearance made him do a double take to be sure.

His sweet Devil-chan had ditched the expensive black dress for red bed shorts and a stained white T-shirt. She had a serious case of bed hair without her pigtails and her red mane poking out in every direction.

"Ok what's going on?" Devil-chan yawned and scratched the left ankle of her bare foot with the heel of the other. "I was enjoying one of my rare free days and suddenly a portal appeared in my living room during my movie marathon."

While the others still stared, Kazuma took a chance with the newcomer. "Devil-chan, I want to file a formal complaint against another employee!"

This behaviour wasn't badass or flashy in the slightest, but tattling on upper management sounded like a approach with the least amount of effort. With Aqua in danger of getting shanked by Darkness and him bleeding heavily on Megumin, Kazuma didn't feel like prolonging this situation for longer than necessary.

He just wanted to get home, take a bath and go to sleep.

"Who dares bully my sweet little boy?" Devil-chan rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and took a good look around. "Wait a second, did you manage to bring me into the mortal realm?"

The sky turned a darker shade of red with every second of comprehension from the little red head. She glanced in turns at Kazuma, Vanir and the shaking Aqua. A small snort came from her mouth which grew into full-blown laughter and turned completely manic at the final moments.

"You are definetly my favourite!" Black leathery wings appeared on her back with the snap of two fingers. "Behave yourself until I come back, children! Mommy has to have a serious talk with the black sheep of the family before they decide to close this loophole!"

She took to the air and blasted off towards the horizon. Seconds later they heard the sound of her reaching supersonic speed and a very loud warcry.

"DEVIL KING, MY ASS!"

Vanir detached from Darkness and reformed his body out of clay.

"Boy, what have you done? Are you insane?"

"No, I'm Kazuma."


	9. Chapter 9

Kazuma woke up this morning more energetic than you would expect from somebody who got stabbed through the stomach.

Recent experience with getting impaled by sharp objects had shown him that a small ghost pain remained for a few days, even if the wound regenerated as fast as a few minutes after receiving it from an opponent.

The wounds caused from Darkness and Rebellion took the longest so far, visible injuries finally fading away after the two hour mark. This state of continuous healing had made the walk through the dungeon for the lich Keele a weird experience for him.

Aqua had been eerily silent and withdrawn on the way and during the ritual, only saying the bare minimum and not looking Kazuma in the eyes once. The purification of the undead turned out to be just a formality in the end with him desperately wanting to pass on to meet his wife.

Megumin hadn't let go of Kazuma since becoming a shield against Vanir. She had walked with at least a hand on his sleeves until they were back in town, which took them several hours and way into the night.

Darkness had been on edge and jumped at every shadow during their travels, playing bodyguard for the whole group and not letting anyone else join the fighting against several dungeon monsters. Every attempt to help, especially from Kazuma, was politely denied or ignored by the determined crusader.

Vanir didn't stick around to everyone's great relief. The archdemon had a quick talk with the lich about the facility and decided to build his own dungeon from the ground up. He also decided to use the appearance of Devil-chan to fake his death. With what she would do to the Devil King, if not killing him outright, nobody should doubt the claim of his demise by her hand. For now, he would set up shop with Wiz to gather the necessary funds.

The eventful day ended pretty boring by them arriving back at the mansion and going to bed early.

Which brought us to the current situation of him groggily staring at his cute red headed savior.

"Rise and shine, my precious little troublemaker." Devil Chan lied beside Kazuma in red pyjamas with a horned hood, her head propped up on one elbow in similar fashion how a certain goddess decided to invade his privacy a few days ago.

This time he welcomed the intruder with open arms.

Literally.

"Good morning and thank you for taking care of my problem," he said with a raspy voice after waking up, hugging the little devil like a cherished stuffed toy.

If Devil-chan minded to be treated with affection by Kazuma, she didn't show it in any way. The little devil wasn't flustered either, looking at the young man in the same manner somebody would look at a cute dog. "You have nothing to be thankful about. The opportunity to vent my frustration on this so called Devil King is repayment enough."

"Did you beat him?"

"Technically no," she sighed and rolled on her back to stare at the ceiling with a frown. "The coward was hiding behind a barrier and I had to make do with his minions outside the castle."

There was a nanosecond of cold shivers running down Kazuma's spine. Devil-chan wasn't showing it, but his instincts told him to never ever get on the bad side of the little devil. Not that he imagined ever doing anything against his greatest benefactor.

"How much of his army is left?"

Devil-chan smiled and pinched his cheek. "Survivors… pfft…. You are so adorable."

It sounded like the Devil King won't be bothering anyone anytime soon. The loss of his troops should put a significant damper on any plans against humanity as a whole. Maybe this latest turn of events finally symbolized the dawn of peace and quiet for him.

"Don't think this is over NEET…"

Hot breath against the back of his neck and sleeptalking against his left ear informed Kazuma about the fact that Aqua had once again joined him in bed after he went to sleep. Spending the nights together in the stables had been a necessity during their starting days in this world, yet for some reason she kept doing it even if her own room was perfectly equipped for a night's rest. He carefully stretched with a yawn and his foot hit something warm.

"Mmmmh.. explosion…"

This was a new development. Curled up in a ball like a cat, Megumin occupied the lower part of Kazuma's bed. Devil-chan pointed behind Aqua and Kazuma followed her direction with his eyes. Darkness sat in a chair by the bed, sword in her lap and head on her chest, obviously asleep as well.

"They all seem worried about you."

"I can't imagine why," he said and tried to inch away from Aqua. The goddess instantly followed from the lack of warmth and wrapped her arms around his barrel from behind. If she ever figured out to remain a tenth as cute in her waking state as she was sleeping, Kazuma wouldn't know how to control himself. "Is this a woman's intuition or did you use your powers to come to that conclusion?"

"A little bit of both. It's not that hard to figure out what drives their actions. The goddess can't heal you anymore and in extension resurrection is most likely also off the table."

For a moment he thought the sound of Aqua's snores changed. "So, Devil-chan is the only one who can bring me back when I kick the bucket?"

Two petite and incredibly strong hands with red fingernails grabbed his cheeks and turned his head to look Devil-chan in the eyes, her expression turning serious and intense in an instant. "There won't be a second chance, kiddo. A devil dying in his real body is the end. Full stop."

Aqua's grip around him became tighter and Kazuma glanced over his shoulder at her sleeping face in confusion while Devil-chan had a knowing smile. "So don't do anything stupid. I've also grown quite fond of you."

They talked about mostly trivial stuff like their taste in movies and her newfound love for human entertainment since she got to take a peek in his head. For the first time in his life, Kazuma felt like somebody understood him and those feelings made him ask how long Devil-chan could stay in this world.

He didn't like the answer.

"I have to be on my way, junior. It's better not to push my luck and scare the hardasses of heaven into action."

This whole situation was unfair in his opinion. Heaven didn't have any objection with letting a goddess run around in this world and they can't let a devil slide for more than one day? "What about your boss? Can't he negotiate something to let you stay longer?"

"I am my own boss."

The weight of her words made his tongue go numb to the point only a single question escaped before his voice gave out.

"What is your name?"

Devil-chan looked at him in a way that made the half-devil feel like a stumbling newborn kitten, something amusing and deeply flawed she loved nonetheless. Despite the appearance of a cute little girl, he noticed the aeons of time and experience behind her eyes.

She brushed a strand of hair out of his face with the gentleness of a mother. "Too many to count. I'm partial to Devil-chan though, it has a nice ring to it."

Talk about friends in high places.

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

"Those eggs are really good."

The tension in the kitchen was thick enough to choke on. After a lot of begging and pleading, Kazuma had convinced Devil-chan to stay for a quick breakfast and enjoy human cuisine. Needless to say, three-fourth of the inhabitants weren't happy about this decision.

"Thank you!" Kazuma stood on the stove in front of several pans, preparing multiple breakfast foods at once, while three girls sat there and stared at the red-headed newcomer with disdain. "The cooking skill really comes in handy. I really don't know why not more adventurers learn it!"

Megumin poked her perfectly cooked omelette with much less enthusiasm. "Maybe because not everyone has massive amounts of points to spare for convenience skills."

The large group of succubi were still around them as always, but they kept a greater distance than usual and seemed really on edge from the new addition to the table. Devil-chan didn't mind them, sometimes glancing casually at a succubus getting too close and getting a frightened screech in return.

"You there," she finally said to the closest one. "Would you be a dear and refill my glass with this delectable orange juice?"

The succubus turned out to be the flatchested one Kazuma had dubbed Lolibus. She poured from the large pitcher with shaking hands, overfilling the glass and splashing the thick juice all over the table. Several droplets landed on the face of Devil-chan and the lust demon began to hyperventilate from the smile she got from the devil.

Kazuma unknowingly dispelled the tension by serving new plates of freshly cooked food and wiping the liquid tenderly off her cheek with a napkin. The redhead thanked Kazuma with a genuine smile and a squeeze of his hand.

Megumin hated how nice and trusting Kazuma was with this devil. Although she realized he was in her debt for bringing him back and giving him powers, the crimson demon couldn't stand seeing their usually sarcastic and snarky party leader act like a servant for her.

Darkness ate her plate of food while standing, keeping close to Kazuma at all times. She had found purpose in her new role as bodyguard, still feeling incredibly guilty for being responsible for the whole trouble with Vanir. The crusader kept apologizing, even offering to give back her sword because she didn't deserve it, which their party leader vehemently declined and he wanted Darkness to stop being stupid about this to no avail.

As expected, the most antagonistic towards Devil-chan was Aqua. She kept trying to aggravate Devil-chan in small ways, because even the goddess knew a direct confrontation wouldn't go in her favor. It started with childish pranks like loosening the lids on the spice shakers to make the devil overload with salt and pepper, and ended with going for all the foods she was interested in and taking it away from her at the last moment.

Devil-chan just smiled at the pettiness of a goddess with a man-high plate of bacon, eggs and pancakes.

Even though he tried to stall for as long as possible, Devil-chan eventually had to say farewell. They gathered at the mansion entrance and Kazuma went for his sword with great hesitation.

"Come on boy, Mommy has to go to work..."

A deep sigh came from his lips and he opened a portal with two unenthusiastic slashes. "Are you going to visit again?"

Devil-chan was amused by his clinginess and signaled him to bend down for a ruffle through his hair. She decided to part ways with a casual comment just at the moment Kazuma's portal closed behind her.

"Never say never. Stay safe and remember If you ever have enough of this world, I gladly show you the ropes in hell."

Silence reigned after her departure with the exception of the sound of Kazuma gripping tightly around the hilt of his sheathed sword. Deeply conflicted, he stared at the spot Devil-chan had vanished and two of his companions could see how tempted he was by the offer.

Aqua was the only one not realizing the brittle state of their party. "Glad the stanky devil bitch is finally gone!"

The slightest twitch ran through his fingers on the sword.

There was a way out of this world. He didn't need to stay.

"Kazuma?" Megumin approached Kazuma from behind, who hadn't moved a step or said a word since the closure of the portal. Her scared expression relieved the tension from his body and a glance at the worried Darkness caused a deep intake of air and a controlled exhale.

"I'm going to take a bath," he responded with a hoarse voice and wiped his eyes, before turning around and passing the three to get inside the house.

Aqua stopped him with her hand on his shoulder. "Kazuma, you like baths right? Even when we were dirt poor and starving, you always put away money for daily visits to the bathhouse."

Kazuma raised an eyebrow. "Sure I do. What's your point?"

She smiled as if he had just admitted something groundbreaking. "How about a little vacation in Alcanrentia, the city of hot springs and baths? Quests are still scarce and we don't need money after cashing in the reward for the Destroyer and Vanir."

"I'm not sure…"

"Did I mention they are mixed baths?" Aqua said with her smile turning catlike under the alarmed faces of Megumin and Darkness. "Is pervy Kazuma not interested in bathing together with his beautiful party members?"

The archwizard and crusader weren't long enough in their party to realize this was the usual song and dance between Kazuma and her. She never would entertain the thought of bathing together with the HikiNEET, although she was bit miffed that he never even tried. The goddess was hoping to embarrass Kazuma enough to force him out of his bad mood, but the blank expression she got in return stumped her.

"Of course I am interested, who wouldn't? You are all hot, yes even you Megumin." Kazuma managed to say these incredible words as dry as a desert as he stared his companions down. "Call me a lolicon and pervert all you want, I don't care anymore."

A knock at the door interrupted the awkward standoff. Megumin was the person closest to the door and opened it to see who was interrupting them at this crucial moment. Her gasp drew the attention of the rest towards the visitor, who brought an evil smile to Kazuma's face.

"Hello, Yunyun. What can I do for you?"

"Kazuma, I'm here to discuss my training!"

"Perfect timing, follow me to the bath and let me see what we are working with."

"Eh?!"


	10. Chapter 10

"Where is that damn HikiNEET and this Yamyam girl?"

"Her name is Yunyun. She might be a bother, but at least get her name right." Megumin replied and sat down on the pavement with a sour expression.

The constant grumblings about Kazuma and her misremembering of Yunyun's name had been amusing to Megumin and Darkness at some point, but as everything the goddess did, Aqua rode this shtick until the last bit of entertainment had been quenched.

It wasn't that the two couldn't understand the feelings of the archpriest. The presence of Yunyun annoyed them to no end. Kazuma spent most of his time in the last few days with the new girl, teaching her weird stuff that they couldn't comprehend and didn't care to find out. On the rare occasion when he wasn't around Yunyun, Kazuma only spoke about her in an almost obsessive manner.

All of his attention was dedicated to her and they considered themselves too proud to ask for their turn.

This meant no more quests, bar hopping and explosion worsened the mood even further to the point each of them perfected the art of staring daggers at the intruder. A skill they reached full mastery in when Kazuma invited the crimson demon to join their party on the trip to continue her training on the road.

So the three girls of the party waited at the stables for the caravan to Alcanretia on the dawn of day five since their lives reached complete Yunyun saturation, with no sign of Kazuma or his little pet project.

"You don't think they changed their mind about the trip?" Darkness asked with worry, which suddenly turned into a blush. "But getting stood up like a worthless peon would be typical for a person as vile and trashy as Kazuma!"

Aqua and Megumin watched the excited breathing of their crusader with caution and inched away to not be associated with her by passersby. Megumin turned enough to see the target of their ire approaching in combination with something that made her blood boil.

The reason for the outbreak was a simple change of clothes.

For some reason, Yunyun was wearing Kazuma's green tracksuit.

"WHY ARE YOU WEARING HIS CLOTHES, YOU HARLOT!?"

The small archwizard pounced her fellow crimson demon with the rage of an actual demon, up to the point she resorted to her nails and teeth to cause damage on Yunyun's cranium.

"I'm sorry! Kazu said it was part of my training!"

"Do you gullible idiot really think this nonsense will amount to anything?" Her rant stopped short. "Kazu? Since when do you have pet names, you homewrecker?"

A strong hand plucked Megumin from Yuyun like an overripe fruit. "Since I thought it would make teaching Yunyun less difficult by putting her more at ease."

While Kazuma had acclimated to his new power pretty well, the rest of his party were still often alienated how he could pull off casual feats of strength. You could think Megumin didn't weigh more than a kitten through how effortlessly he held the flailing girl by the scruff of her neck.

"Let me go!" Megumin kept kicking and screaming with no visual effect on Kazuma. She was carried to their carriage and placed her on his lap as he sat down. His grip around her midriff was firm yet gentle, accommodating as much as possible to make the seating comfortable for Megumin. Her struggling eventually stopped when it proved to be useless and she sank into him in similar fashion to a comfy couch.

"Good girl." He took off her hat and pet her head.

The indignity of being treated this way was offset from the level of snugness she felt. After dozens of piggyback rides back from their explosion walks, Kazuma knew how to handle the girl to make it an enjoyable experience. He knew exactly where to grab and what to avoid in any situation. Through trial and error, Kazuma Satou had become the leading Megumin expert.

"Oi Megumin! We are supposed to be angry with him!" Aqua entered the carriage and tried to pull the girl of Kazuma, only to get repelled with vehemence. "Darkness, Megumin hissed at me!"

Yunyun chose the seat next to Kazuma as if it was the most natural thing in the world. If watched closely, you could even see their shoulders and arms touching, a monstrous feat for the shy and introverted girl.

Some of their training already bore fruit.

The caravan started minutes later with Kazuma, Megumin and Yunyun on one side of the carriage, and Aqua taking the seats on the other side with sudden proximity of her rival instantly shifted the mood of Megumin back to hostile. Eyes as cold as ice stared at Yunyun with disdain and made her back away in fright. This had the effect of Kazuma taking away his hand from Megumin's head and pulling Yunyun close to join them.

With a girl on his lap and one arm around the other, the young teenager felt like the king of the world. "Be nice, we are all friends here."

The other arm preventing Megumin from escaping changed position to continue the earlier head pat. His attention towards her mollified the archwizard into tolerating the existence of Yunyun and she once again leaned into Kazuma.

"Fine, I allow it for now." Megumin said with a yawn. It took only a few minutes for her to get drowsy and finally fall asleep under the slight rocking of the carriage.

"She can be really cute." Yunyun watched the serene sleeping face of her rival with a smile until she realized how similar her situation was with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. "Uhm Kazuma, you are really close."

"Does it bother you?" Kazuma was getting tired as well, the lack of sleep from teaching and planning Yunyun's curriculum blindsiding him out of nowhere.

"No, it's fine!"

He shifted his hold to her waist, closing the last inch of space between them and put her head on his shoulder. "It's a long ride, so might as well take a nap."

"S… Sure!"

The two followed Megumin into dreamland soon after, which left Aqua and Darkness out of the loop. The former sat in a fetal position on her seat with a haunted expression.

"This isn't right… My NEET isn't popular…It's not how it is supposed to be…"

Darkness acted much more composed with a determined expression. "I understand your frustration. I'm feeling quite anxious about this development myself, but all we can do is stay vigilant and wait for an opportunity."

"An opportunity for what?"

"…"

The expression of the goddess turned grim, lips pressed into a thin line.

"You too?"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

The caravan traveled without issue and made camp for the night in an open field. Kazuma and his party sat around a small cauldron over a fire and waited for their evening meal to be done. The enticing aroma of potato stew once again affirmed his decision for maxing out the cooking skill.

A nice prepared meal trumped dry rations every time.

During their wait, he went through his inventory and equipped a newly acquired item. A black crystal ball with the size of a human head appeared in his hands and he mustered the curious bauble with reverence.

"What is that?" Megumin asked with Aqua and Darkness paying close attention.

From the mildly interested expression of Yunyun, the party deduced she already knew what purpose this item served and it was an infuriating fact for each of them.

"A gift from a good friend." Kazuma answered and meant it more than anything in his life.

It turned out, Devil-chan didn't leave without leaving something for him behind. A small token of appreciation on his nightdesk with a short scribbled note.

"_**Keep in touch kid"**_

The large crystal in his hand represented the hell equivalent of a TV. It tapped into your head and replayed your memories and thoughts in a viewable fashion. One point of their contract had been his approval to gain access into Kazuma's vast knowledge of pop culture to expand her movie collection and branch out into anime. He had seen thousands of hours of entertainment, which could be watched with this magic item by a mere thought.

Invaluable in more ways than one.

"Oh, are you watching the story about angsty teenagers fighting in big robots again?"

"You need to be way more specific than that, Yunyun." Kazuma took a small handkerchief and polished the smooth surface of his treasure. "And no, I just felt like checking if it's still in top condition. We used it almost frequently in the past days."

"Oh, I see…"

"You want to watch another mushy romcom anime, don't you?"

Yunyun blushed and twiddled with her fingers. "Only if it isn't too much trouble. I know you have to hold the crystal to change episodes."

The mood inescapably turned sour again among three girls after getting reminded how familiar the air between Kazuma and Yunyun had become. They had the distinctive interaction of kindred spirits, hitting it off far better than you would expect from an antisocial shut-in and a notorious loner.

Enough to make Megumin snap again. "Why are you so nice to her?!"

"Because she deserves it and don't you act as if I ever did something horrible to you."

"You stole my panties!"

"Ok, one minor offense caused by my unfamiliarity with the Steal skill after you asked to demonstrate it. What else?" Kazuma said challengingly and Megumin had nothing to reply. Kazuma acted perverted and scummy sometimes, but never really to any of them. "What about you Darkness? Anything to add?"

Darkness kept silent. If anything else, she wished he would focus his perverted tendencies more towards her. The crusader knew for a fact that a savage beast was slumbering deep inside their party leader, ready to be awakened and indulge in every degeneracy imaginable.

Kazuma recognized her train of thought as clear as day on her drooling face and sighed in defeat."Let's be perfectly clear, I'm staying with you because I want to, not because I have to at this point. Despite all the stupid shit you pull on a daily basis, I still consider you my friends. So why wouldn't I help Yunyun when she asked for it?"

"Kazuma…"

"I need to stretch my legs. Save some of the food for me… or don't…"

Their party leader put the crystal ball back in his inventory and walked away. The remaining girls watched his retreating form until they lost line of sight when he turned left after a horse carriage. Darkness begann ladling their meal into bowls and passed them around.

She stopped short at the fourth bowl.

"Where's Aqua?"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

Kazuma stood on a small plateau and overlooked the large field below with a pensive stare.

Things were supposed to get less complicated with more power. Kazuma Satou had always wanted to be in a position where he wasn't dependent on others. With the powers given by his demonic angel, he could do whatever came to his mind and almost nobody would be able to stop him.

And so far, he came up blank for what to do with them.

He had money, security and freedom, but no real ambition beyond living a carefree life. The daily grind of a fledgling adventurer had kept his mind away from useless thoughts like purpose and seeking fulfillment. And when confronted with it, Kazuma noticed the internal friction rise in their party.

So Yunyun came at a perfect time for a distraction.

Occupied with her problems, he didn't have to confront his own.

"Oi, HikiNEET!"

Against his better judgement, Kazuma was glad to see Aqua. The goddess had the uncanny ability to entangle him in her whirlpool of stupidity and keep him on his toes. It was a safe bet to assume whatever she wanted would be at least insignificant to the situation at hand.

"Which one of us do you like best?"

Don't let it be said life couldn't hit you out of left field. Her question had numerous implications, every single one more devastating than the next. But most of all stumped him that the truth enchantment couldn't force an answer, because he couldn't give one.

Not even narrowing it down by process of elimination.

"Still undecided? That won't do!" She was right in his face, poking his nose with her finger. "I'm a goddess and won't tolerate playing second fiddle to anyone! You're my useless HikiNEET!"

The mixed signals from this goddess were unreal. Either she was messing with him, or this was the weirdest confession he had ever heard. Her answer came promptly with a wet sensation on Kazuma's lips and the inside of his mouth.

Interestingly enough, the kiss of a goddess wasn't more harmful to a devil than a spicy tingling on the tongue and tasted like brandied strawberries.

"Tomorrow we reach Alcanretia, my town and seat of power, where we will settle this matter once and for all!"


	11. Chapter 11

The anxiety of Kazuma Satou had reached new heights and wouldn't calm down. He could see the outlines of their destination in the distance, the city Arcanretia, a landmark famous for its countless hot springs and medicinal baths.

And apparently the headquarters of the axis cult.

Kazuma didn't know what to expect from a city that worshipped Aqua of all goddesses, but whatever this place had in petto for him wouldn't be anything to counter his spiraling stress level. While he couldn't sleep at all last night due to reaching first base with a person that didn't even register as a woman on his radar before, said woman happily slumbered until morning as if nothing had happened.

She still had chosen the sleeping bag right beside him though.

The restless night had given him a lot of time to think and come to two conclusions while staring at her sleeping face. Aqua was an incredibly cute girl and he dreaded what this realization would mean for him moving forward. The perception towards her had permanently changed from useless goddess, to useless goddess with a smoking hot body and blinding smile.

Should Aqua become aware of his new weakness towards her charms, Kazuma had no doubt she would use them against him without hesitation.

Luckily, he knew how to force a fake persona in public. Before he had given up on fitting in society all together and became a NEET, he had found ways to act inconspicuously among people he couldn't avoid. A battle plan similar to the version he had devised for Yunyun, just with another goal in mind.

It didn't help that Aqua was unusually quiet as well. Somehow the visit to this town was part of her plan since she was the one suggesting this place for a vacation. The way yesterday went left much for interpretation and there had been no declaration of love or a word she even liked him. She considered him hers and such a statement could mean god-knows-what for a spoiled brat as herself.

Was she looking for a servant? A pet? Or maybe really a genuine boyfriend?

Part of him was upset for thinking so deeply about it. The whole situation would be all the more humiliating when they finally arrived and she proclaimed it was one huge prank. Either that, or she might shove him in a pool full of holy water when he didn't pay attention.

Those and other grim thoughts kept his expression stony and mood unreadable during the remaining trip.

"Kazuma, we are almost there."

"Yes Aqua, I can see that."

It was the first words they had spoken to each other since yesterday, so naturally he was cautious and watched her like a hawk. On the surface she seemed like the usual bubbly airhead, unaware of the new tension between them.

"What's wrong with you two?" Megumin asked with a raised eyebrow as she saw the intense standoff. "You have been acting weird all day."

"Nonsense, everything is fine."

Yunyun touched Kazuma's arm in concern. "Kazu, you are tense enough to visibly shake."

Not to be outdone by her rival, Megumin took his other arm. The young man would have appreciated the gesture at every other time than now. Why were his companions only this perceptive when he didn't want them to be?

"Maybe it's because of the large welcoming committee." Darkness looked out of the window and pointed at the crowd blocking the town gate.

There had to be at least several hundred, stopping every traveler for a checkup. Waggon after waggon before them were granted passage into the city, until it was their turn and the mass of people closed the passageway and surrounded the horse carriage. Before he could react, Aqua burst into action and climbed on top of the roof through a window.

"Citizens of Arcanretia and devout followers of the axis faith!" Even without seeing her, he could imagine Aqua's honed movement to work a crowd. "Inside this carriage is the person you all have been waiting for!"

Kazuma gripped his armrest hard enough to splinter it to sawdust. "She really sold me out..."

He knew this had been a possible outcome from the start. She was a selfish and egotistical spoiled brat who cared only about herself.

So why did it hurt him so much?

"Let him come out! We want to make sure!" the authoritative voice of an older man commanded and Aqua stomped her feet on the roof.

"Oi stupid HikiNEET! Don't keep them waiting!"

A quick glance outside revealed at least two dozen priests among the people. Together with Aqua, they would be bothersome to deal with in a fight. Most of all the fancy looking man in the front, who made even his underused demon senses tingle.

He had no intention of getting serious and kill a bunch of misguided fanatics. "Stay inside and don't come out no matter what. It's me they want. We meet later at the first inn you find entering town."

Megumin and Yunyun nodded, but Darkness brandished her sword with a snarl. "I'm not leaving you to fend for yourself. I failed you once and won't ever again!"

A flick to the forehead silenced her. "You failed me plenty of times. It's part of your charm. The bumbling bigboobed knight never deterred or discouraged by her own shortcomings."

He deliberately poked her in the chest. "Don't think for a second this is self-sacrifice. I'm a lazy coward who wouldn't know chivalry even if it changed its name to calvary and ran me over."

Darkness didn't show any discomfort from being touched, staring at Kazuma with a steely gaze until finally nodding.

"Should I not come to the inn by nightfall, I want you all to come and rescue my ass."

"We will."

"I will blast anything in my way to cinders!"

"Please be safe Kazu."

With that said and done, Kazuma opened the door of the carriage and stepped out with his head held high. Whatever came next, the young teen wouldn't give the satisfaction of showing weakness in front of strangers. If push came to shove, he would get out of this somehow by sheer dumb luck.

"Faithful followers, I present to you Kazuma Satou!"

Aqua loved being in the limelight.

"He's the one chosen to be my champion, despite being a frugal HikiNEET who only lets his goddess have one bite of his dessert after dinner."

The heavy weight on his chest lifted more and more as she spoke. She wasn't selling him out. The idiot made him come here to make his status official.

"He will spread the word of the axis cult as the highest authority and in doing so, I will overlook his disgusting existence as a virgin shut-in that never had the guts to force himself on his beautiful goddess."

The gifted pin had been a deliberate effort and not a drunken mistake. Under that perspective, her actions from yesterday made a lot more sense.

"I, the forgiving goddess Aqua, have decided to grant this vile pervert with no cute traits whatsoever my blessing and anoint him as my one true representative of this world."

Her bold announcement received stunned silence.

"Mommy, who is the weird lady?"

"Don't point sweetie, the goddess Aqua loves all of her followers, even the delusional ones."

Aqua took a hefty mental blow from that exchange and the fancy middle aged priest used the opportunity to step forward. "I am Zesta, high priest of the axis cult and humble servant of goddess Aqua."

It was the same person who gave Kazuma chills earlier. This unassuming brown-haired man with a goatee and moustache was most likely one of the most devoted followers of Aqua and thus either crazy or otherwise damaged in the head somehow.

Thus far, he seemed rather pleasant. "Listen, we know who he claims to be. Our spies at the eris cult told us everything. All we want to do is confirm if this man is the real deal by testing if he embodies the core values of our faith."

Kazuma bit his tongue to stop himself from saying how he never claimed to be anything.

"And if I don't?"

The fanatic twinkle in the eye of the high priest confirmed Kazuma's suspicion about his mental state. "Then we will sentence you as blasphemous heretic and grant you a swift demise."

The sudden grasp on his arm came so unexpectedly it almost scared him into drawing his sword. Aqua had come down from the carriage and joined him without noticing. All of the earlier bravado and glee was gone as she clung to him like a lifeline. "This isn't as fun as I imagined. Maybe we should find another spot for our vacation?"

"Do you actually believe they would let me go at this point?" Kazuma laughed at her childlike mood swings. "What did you think would happen when you proclaim me as the new pope of your religion?"

"I didn't want this…"

"Just… get back to the others and stay out of trouble. You aren't any help to me."

The sound out of Aqua's mouth made his heart stop. He was used to screaming, whining, wailing and dozens of other ways the goddess voiced her displeasure. The simplicity of a quiet sob and a trembling body with tears welling in her eyes proved to be effective. She usually ugly cried like a hysteric drunk, but this quiet display of sadness made his insides feel all gooey.

"Hey, none of that you hear me? Stop it right this instant!" Kazuma used one hand to flick her forehead and the other to take her by the arm, pulling the girl towards the city and the waiting crowd. "Zesta lead the way, let's get this over with!"

The benevolent look had returned to Zesta's eyes. "We prepared everything necessary at the axis main church."

The procession went through town without further discussion. Only two words were spoken from the goddess he held hands with, but to him they might as well have pierced his eardrum with their clarity.

"You care.."

Kazuma's blood turned to ice as he desperately hoped she wouldn't notice how clammy his hands had become. Fear kept him from looking at her face while they were escorted by the priests, believing he would see the usual and infuriatingly smug expression.

Sadly, this prevented him from witnessing a spellbound goddess, following him in a daze like a puppy.

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

"One-hundred points. A perfect score."

The test to determine his faith turned out to be a written exam, a bit anticlimactic after all the excitement but he wouldn't complain. Kazuma sat at a table prepared on the stage of the great axis church, surrounded by an attendance of at least a thousand people to evaluate his performance. He had blasted through all the questions with enough ease to already be considered on a level of a high-ranking priest.

The last part was an oral exam by the high priest himself.

"What is the most important commandment of the axis order?" Zesta asked him with a smug smile.

Kazuma mirrored the look. "That's a trick question. A ranking of the commandments would require extensive effort on a philosophical level with no real benefit since you have to abide by all of them anyway. Let alone the fact such an effort would completely contradict commandment sixteen."

The smile on Zesta's face vanished. "Which is?"

"Unnecessary work brings unnecessary headaches. Find pride in avoiding hardships."

The extensive knowledge of the axis faith so far impressed everyone present, most of all Aqua, who stared speechless at his bored face.

"Did you think I wouldn't make myself familiar with the religion of the goddess in my party?"

And somehow he still had managed to overlook this town as the headquarter. All religious text he had found about the axis church mirrored the people who wrote them, an amalgamation of weird ideas about freedom and rejection of responsibility. Half of them amounted to poorly veiled potshots against other beliefs and pointless bragging.

Kazuma didn't want to think about why he had taken to their teachings so easily and what it said about him as a human being."This is pointless. We could sit here all day but all it really proves is how good my memorization skills are."

High priest Zesta nodded."What do you propose we do to settle the matter?"

Kazuma had long since realized the underlying root of the problem. Should he manage to get out of this mess by the skin of his teeth as usual, nothing would really change in the long run. All he had done since coming to this world was blundering from one dicey situation to the next without any opportunity to defend against it.

Hiding or ignoring didn't work so far, and solving the current issue only ever gave him a small moment of respite until the inevitable next one. Getting proactive like a main character went against anything he believed to be true and good in life, but things had to change for the sake of his sanity.

First point of order would be the obvious devil problem.

"Judge my character after you heard my improvement to an established commandment."

The proclamation had the expected big effect on the group of devout believers. Divine rules are as absolute in this world as in his old one. Insinuating they could be improved would be considered heresy, although Zesta seemed to be intrigued by his words.

"I'm listening. What commandment are we talking about?"

"Fourteen." If the mere notion of changing a commandment wasn't enough, choosing this one in particular took the cake. "The axis faith teaches forgiveness in all things. Whether you're a lolicon, a NEET, or a questionable fan of animal-eared girls, if you have love in your heart, and don't break the law, all will be forgiven."

"You left out the part about not involving yourself with undead and demons."

"Exactly."

The implication of his words sunk in and the mood dropped below zero. Aqua became petrified from shock in the face of this stupidity. Kazuma was supposed to be the smart one in their party, so why did he think promoting collaboration with undead and demons could garner any favors here?

Has he finally snapped and lost his mind?

"From your horrified expressions I gather you are unconvinced."

"Of course we are!" Zesta became outraged. "Why would we allow such a change?"

"It's the natural progression of our faith if you think about it. How can we as an order preach about absolution and second chances if we deny those who need it most? Whose souls need saving more than demons and undead?"

Face-to-face with the furious crowd, Kazuma kept his cool.

"How can we speak of tolerance and freedom if we enforce a practise which demands violence against those more unfortunate than us? Why not reach out to those who are willing to change?"

Zesta stopped his speech. "There is no such thing like pious demons and undead!"

"I see we are going in circles, your eminence." The icy atmosphere from earlier turned hotter by the second. Despite that, Kazuma seemed almost bored with the situation. "Let me put it in the simplest of words to disprove your claim."

Kazuma mouthed to Aqua quiet enough for only her to hear. "If this goes sideways, either stay close to me and never look back or stay here and forget about me."

Aqua silently shook her head with tears in her eyes from this sudden ultimatum. He stopped dancing around the issue and put it in clear terms; stand with Kazuma or throw him to the wolves.

Whichever happened, the status quo was officially dead.

"I, Satou Kazuma, am a devil."

Every stained-glass window in the church shattered at the same time as to punctuate his sentence, showering the people inside with colorful glass. Up there blocking the sunlight from coming in, bat-winged woman in revealing clothing stared down at the stunned axis cultists with disdain. The succubi of Axel had followed their master into the lion's den.

"Master, we are here to lend our support!" Lolibus roared as battlecry and flew between Kazuma and Zesta, readying a battle stance against the high priest. Their attempt of saving him was appreciated and touched him deeply, regardless of the pointlessness.

A group of thirty low level demons without much fighting capacity against twice as many priests and hundreds of fanatic cultits?

Kazuma could work with this in other ways than fighting. In fact, those succubi are perfectly suitable to bring his point across. "May I introduce you to the prime examples for my argument? These lovely ladies have integrated successfully into society and provide an important service to humanity at large."

A sea of angry faces stared back at him.

"Life-like erotic dreams about anything you want."

A noticeable portion changed from furious to curious.

"With whoever you want."

All but a handful with Zesta as their leader remained grim, so Kazuma played his last card.

"As whatever you want. Care to give it a try?" Kazuma asked, unable to hide the glee in his voice from the multitude of nose bleeding cultists in front of him. The last angry expressions broke and he got them all hooked.

Time to reel them in.

Lolibus wasn't sharing his enthusiasm. "Master, I don't know if we should provide these people with our service. Axis cult members are known to be crazy even among demons."

The succubi were hesitant to mingle with the axis cult. In order to convince them, he had to offer them something. Unfortunately, all Kazuma could offer was himself. Fortunately, he was exactly what they all wanted.

"Should you grant me this request, I will fully accept my role as your master."

"All of it?"

"Within reason, of course. I have no interest in becoming a father in my teens."

The succubi grinned like cheshire cats and prepared to spread out to every axis cult member willing to sign a dream form, only to be stopped by an angry Aqua brandishing her staff. The last line of opposition against his idea was the deity herself.

"Followers of the axis faith!" He would take a page out of Aqua's book in terms of theatrics. "I know the girl doesn't look or act like a divine being, but rest assured she is the real goddess Aqua in the flesh!"

The crowd sighed in unison. "Yeah, we know."

"What's with the lukewarm reaction to my exalted presence?!"

Kazuma couldn't say he blamed the axis church for being a bit underwhelmed about their goddess. It didn't happen every day that your deity visited and turned out to be a spoiled brat. The lack of people renouncing their faith right then and there, spoke volumes about their devotion to the blue-haired menace.

He kneeled in front of her. "It's your cult and followers, so ultimately, you decide the course of action. Care to give this a try?"

Trusting Aqua was a dangerous gamble, which he couldn't avoid to his great displeasure. The cooperation of a goddess would go a long way to make his life a lot easier. Kazuma prayed for a spark of reason and decency in her amazing body.

"Would my approval make you happy?"

"I would really appreciate your help in getting these religious fanatics off my back." Kazuma answered evenly to control his emotions. The truth enchantment might force him to always answer honestly, but there was more than one way not to tell a lie.

He just had to avoid the dangerous questions.

"Hmpf, you better not mess this up HikiNEET." The bite in Aqua's words wasn't matched by her gentle tone and smiling face, before turning to her beloved most faithful."Followers of the axis cult, a new dawn has come for all of us! From this day forward, our flock of faithful will be the first to extend our hands in reconciliation to our damned neighbours. We will show the eris cult how much more noble, kind and humble our faith is compared to their meager efforts!"

"What about the demons who won't accept our olive branch?"

Kazuma and Aqua answered Zesta in turn with a deadpan expression.

"Sucks to be them, I guess."

"Yeah, obviously."

The dumbfounded crowd turned their attention to the sound of opening church doors. In the entrance stood a muscular man with red hair and goatee, his eyes solely fixed on Kazuma with a smile.

"That's an interesting offer. Where would I sign?"

Kazuma smiled back. "I'm sure somebody can whip a form real quick. What can we put in the name field?"

"Just Hans is fine."


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: A few quick announcements before the chapter**

**1\. This chapter concludes the material covered by the anime. Everything after this will use material from the movie and light novel. (For those who care about spoilers)**

**2\. This chapter is a bit more steamy than usual, but nothing the original show hasn't done.**

**3\. I want to ask a question to anyone reading this far: How do you feel about changing the rating of this story to Mature? I don't plan to write excessive smut, but I feel the teen rating is limiting what I can do.**

**Finally, I want to thank anyone sticking with me thus far. I don't like author's notes in general and hate how bloated they are in some stories, but it felt right to put something here.**

**Have fun reading.**

**BobAlcove**

* * *

There was a popular saying in this world which said happiness was a long warm bath after a tiring day. The outdoor hot spring Megumin, Darkness and Yunyun were sitting in was the most luxurious imaginable, and yet they couldn't find any relief from the establishment.

Their thoughts circled around the only missing female of the party.

Like Kazuma had requested, the three of them had been ready to go out and rescue him and Aqua from the clutches of the axis church at the fall of night. Their plan fell through when Kazuma appeared at their inn inebriated with the equally drunk archpriest on his back. Somehow he had managed to not only get out of the confrontation unscathed, but also to become the highest-ranking authority of their organisation in the process.

Pontiff Kazuma Satou.

Celebrations for his election lasted the whole day and had given the goddess ample opportunity to indulge in her favourite pastime. Even shitfaced, wasted and barely coherent, Aqua was practically glowing from happiness until she was put to bed by Kazuma and passed out with a smile on her face. The girls had watched as their archpriest fought and argued against getting tugged in like a fuzzy child, yet anyone who knew the two would notice subtle differences in the interactions.

Especially the insults thrown at Aqua had a lot less venom behind them and Kazuma waited on her bedside to make sure she really went to sleep. Even more concerning was the fact he went straight for a bath without asking them to join. Their party leader just snatched the biggest bottle of wine and left.

The outdoor bath of their inn had three areas. A bath for males and one for females, separated by a third area for mixed bathing. Each side was only accessible through a separate door, since the owners build large wooden walls to avoid unwelcome peeping. Because of the late hour, Darkness, Yunyun and Megumin were the only guests using the women's bath.

It didn't deter Yunyun from doing something she had put off for long enough. "Megumin, I challenge you to a duel!"

The addressed archwizard scoffed. "What makes you think this time would be any different? I always win."

Megumin had proof of this claim in form of her meticulously written duel diary since crimson demon kindergarten. Of course she would never admit to keeping score to avoid looking too attached to their little games.

"Oh, If you're so sure, why don't let me decide the contest?" Yunyun said in a low tone which made Darkness take a better look at the girl. The crusader recognized something in the way she spoke and how her expression changed to a wolfish grin.

"Bring it on, Yunyun!"

"Yes, I'm Yunyun."

The breath of Darkness hitched. It wasn't only the green tracksuit, her mannerisms have changed to mirror their party leader as well. She could already feel similar shivers and the urge for squirming under the predatory gaze.

"The first one is really simple." Yunyun poured two glasses of juice from the nearby refreshment tray. "Drink this whole glass through a straw without your hands, using your chest as a holder."

The busty crimson demon demonstrated the process with confidence, placing the cylindrical object securely between her two mounds and drank with a satisfied smirk. A large splash of a glass hitting water and the accompanying blush of Megumin declared Yunyun as victor.

"Mine was more slippery than yours. It doesn't count!"

"Another one?" Yunyun kept her cool despite being denied her victory. "Fine, the girl who manages longer to stay with her head above water without using hands and feet."

The advantage in buoyancy from a larger breast size and better curves was minimal, but big enough to make a difference against somebody consisting almost only of skin and bones. Several almost drownings later, Megumin glared at her rival with a fiery hate which eclipsed the heat of the sun. Especially since Yunyun went back to using her boobs as holder for a drink to rub it in.

Darkness watched the spectacle with a weird sense of dejavu. Seeing a girl copy the man you were fascinated with to such accuracy made her insides tingle in a confusing manner. Under those circumstances, it became harder and harder to deny claims of her being a hopeless pervert.

Hopefully, her dreams tonight wouldn't contain two masters.

"Ok, last one for the night before you hurt yourself. Who can touch a nipple with the tip of her nose while both eyes are closed?" At this point it was blindingly obvious Megumin was being screwed over by her lack of chest development and Yunyun's newly acquired attitude to exploit her weakness. With a frown she watched as her rival grabbed one of her infuriatingly huge udders with closed eyes and casually lifted the mass to poke herself in the nose with its attached rosy nub.

"_She never said it has to be my own!"_ Megumin thought and pounced on Yunyun with the desperation of a woman backed into a corner. Evidently, it was very tricky to hit a small target like an erogenous zone when you can't see. She hit it alright, just not how she wanted it if the pointy pink thing between her lips was any indication.

Any attempts to rectify this mistake was thwarted by a very strong grip, turning into cradling the smaller girl in place. "Oh my aren't we bold? If I'd known you were interested, I would have made a move sooner. How about it Megumin? Should we share Kazu?"

It was kind of hard to talk for Megumin while having her mouth full. "Who would want that guy, let alone only half? What's your sudden fascination with Kazuma?"

Megumin would later realize she had defeated herself by asking the question and giving Yunyun the verbal sword to cut her down. "Kazu is helping me to become a better person. I wouldn't mind him making me a woman as well. Let's all become adults together, Megumin!"

Yunyun finally released Megumin's mouth from its bouncy confinement, only to be taken once again when she did the unthinkable and sealed her offer with a kiss. She wasn't bold enough to use tongue, but the excitement was nonetheless enough to make Megumin pass out.

Not a second too soon.

"I did it… I actually beat her…" the voice of Yunyun had lost all bravado and she stumbled all over her words. The confident daredevil had reverted to a blushing and stuttering bundle of nerves close to hyperventilating.

Darkness watched flabbergasted. "What is going on? You're nothing like before!"

"Isn't it great?! It's really hard to stay in character! Kazu always mentions a ton of things I could improve on."

The results of training for less than a week with Kazuma were truly frightening. Even if it's just for a short duration, Yunyun could completely change character to something truly dangerous. Darkness felt a stab through her chest at the thought of how much effort Kazuma put in to help this girl. She wasn't blind to the fact how much he had supported her by making an amazing sword, but personal lessons seemed a lot more intimate.

From all of them, Darkness always had felt she had the weakest connection with their party leader. Recent development aside, Aqua knew him the longest and the best, shown by all the inside jokes and references nobody else understood.

Megumin found a connection with Kazuma through her explosion magic, always going on private strolls together and rating her performance by a metric nobody else understood. He also adored her cuteness, even if they couldn't get him to admit the fact.

The only one not having anything was Darkness. Quests didn't count since they all went together and there wasn't really much else to bond over. This was her fault to some degree, because Kazuma always told her what he considered the only good trait of his crusader.

The incredible lewdness of her body.

Several times, he had said verbatim she personified his ideal woman in body type and looks. A circumstance she could use to her advantage right now. Beyond a simple wooden wall was the mixed bath, a place Kazuma surely had chosen for his washing under the small hope beautiful women would join him. As soon as his hopes had been dashed, his attention must have focused on the side for woman and the possibility for peeking. Maybe he was looking at them right now, lusting after their bodies and fueling his perverted fantasies.

Why not stoke the flame?

Darkness slowly got out of the water to sit on the edge, puffing out her chest and posing for her imagined audience of one. Her composure broke from two hands grabbing from behind and applying soap to her curvy body as fluffy white foam.

"Let me help you wash your back." Yunyun breathed sweetly into her ear and smeared another helping of slippery sud from behind with only using her lathered up chest.

"_This girl is unbelievably dangerous!"_ Darkness thought and stifled a moan from the risque touch.

"My invitation extends to you as well, you tasty little morsel."

Yunyun's innocent expression was gone once more. Part of her training had been extensive review of material through the black crystal ball. Said material ran the gamut of genres, but had one thing in common to a certain degree. It contained copious amounts of beautiful women acting sexy, some more raunchy than others.

Yunyun had a better idea what Kazuma liked than anyone.

"_Darkness will rue the day she challenged me!"_ Yunyun thought while fondling the outrageously large rack of Darkness spilling between`out her fingers, before suddenly pausing mid-squeeze and drawing a blank on her reasoning for doing this to the crusader. "_Why am I still in character? What's happening to me?"_

Sudden and distinguishable giggling of a large female group from the mixed bath garnered their immediate attention. The implication spurned them into action, positioning themselves at the wall to catch a glimpse. Darkness simply used her finger to poke a hole through the wood with Yunyun following suit with a small fire spell.

What they saw made their blood boil. Kazuma had told them about the succubi following him to Arcanretia and helping out, but their presence around him was a constant thorn in their sides. Luckily, they couldn't see him among the thirty naked demon bombshells crowding the wall towards the men's bath.

It was a surreal feeling to peek at peekers.

"Hey Darkness, are they watching Kazuma bathe?"

"Looks like it."

"I thought so."

The wall between the women's bath and mixed area exploded by spell and sword.

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

"You keep really loud company."

"You get used to it eventually."

The men's side of the hot spring was currently occupied by only two people. Kazuma Satou, a young man who wouldn't miss the opportunity for a relaxing hot bath for anything in the world, and a former general of the devil king, Hans the deadly poison slime.

"Our little agreement finally got the axis cult off my back, and all I had to do was sign up with them. Who would have thought?"

"It's kind of pointless to convert someone who has already joined."

The two exchanged a quick smile and Kazuma sunk deeper into the warm water with rosy cheeks. The young man had his fair share of booze over the day, although not to the extent of his comatose archpriest. At first, he had been surprised how easy it was to talk with one of the devil king's top dogs, but maybe this was just the alcohol talking.

Hans was a completely different beast than Wiz and Vanir. While the lich and devil weren't doing anything particularly evil, the slime was supposed to poison the local water source in Arcanretia for the devil king, but stopped after news about the defeat of his evil army reached the world. As a result, almost all remaining troops in service of the devil king had deserted and scattered throughout the world.

The tight security at the gates was the only reason why Hans remained in the city. Although he had no real interest in joining the axis church, having a membership on paper was enough to be beneficial for both of them. The former general had a lot of connections and would surely meet some of them during his travels. He could spread the word about what had occured and maybe convince some of them to join the axis cult. Once he was back in Axel, Kazuma planned to talk with Wiz to convince her as well.

He needed as many high-profile members as possible joining the cult to make his new rule of peaceful coexistence with evil beings seem legit. If they truly believed in the teachings of Aqua was almost irrelevant so long they behaved themselves marginally better than bloodthirsty monsters.

"You're a strange guy, Kazuma Satou. Beyond this thin wooden fence is a mixed bath with dozens of hot babes yearning for your body and you sit here with me deep in thought. I figured you were the type of person to jump at every opportunity for some action."

"It seems that way, huh?" Kazuma took another big gulp from his wine bottle. "A word would be enough to make them all bend over backwards to fulfill all my fantasies."

His body began to glow blue and burst into flames. Where once was a small skinny guy, now sat a ten foot demon with silver scales and blue fire all over his body. Hans had to back away to make room for the massive creature and stared at Kazuma with a healthy dose of fear. As a non-devil monster, the slime lacked the ability to sense his demonic nature. He was present at the church when Kazuma proclaimed his demonhood, but power ranged massively between the different kinds although they shared the same species.

The voice out of the behemoth sounded like gravel rumbling in a burning furnace. "This is what they want. None of them would give me a second glance otherwise."

The sight of a sloshed hellspawn could have elicited laughter, if Hans hadn't been so scared of getting killed in retaliation. An archdemon wasn't any less intimidating when it slurred the words. "It's to be expected, I guess. Nobody ever cared about worthless Kazuma Satou."

The fearsome devil transformed back into the plain-looking brown-haired teenager. His oppressive aura remained with Hans unable to see the creature in front of him as human anymore. Curiosity beat his survival instinct for one final question.

"Do you want to become the new devil king?"

Kazuma had to think about the question. It would make sense to take over, given his new heritage and seat of power in the world. One of the greatest oppositions, the axis church, were already under his control so taking a few steps further to get the rest shouldn't be more difficult.

Still a lot of work for no real benefit.

"I want a simple and carefree life."

Definetly not what Hans had expected to hear. "Ok, uhm… I still have to pack for my departure tomorrow… "

The slime left in a hurry. Kazuma was equal parts glad and sad about the reaction of the battle-hardened demon general. He wasn't looking forward to getting the same treatment from his friends should they find about his devil form.

"Kazuma?"

The voice of his archwizard startled the hell out of him. Crimson demons must have some ninja blood in them, considering how often she managed to catch him unaware.

"Why are you here?" he asked Megumin nervously and averted his eyes from her naked body, hoping she didn't see his transformation.

"A board was loose in the fence and I'm small enough to fit through the gap."

"You know that's not what I meant." Kazuma stood up, careful not to flash Megumin his little friend. "It doesn't matter, I was done anyway."

Petite little hands grabbed him by the forearm with surprising strength. The way she pulled him back, there was absolutely nothing blocking the sight to his full frontal nudity. They looked at each other as the seconds passed, him in confusion and her with determination.

"Kazuma, I care about you."

With her hand around his naked arm, Megumin felt an unmistakable tremble run through his body. Kazuma had to sit back down in the water, not trusting his legs to carry him any longer.

"Are you alright?"

"Just surprised is all. You're the first person to say that to me."

His reaction made Megumin very happy. Kazuma himself hadn't changed despite all the changes happening to him. The all powerful devil was still getting flustered by something so small like a harmless show of affection.

"Whatever you become, you always stay Kazuma." Megumin said with a smile and handed him a washcloth. "Could you help me wash my back?"

"Yes, I am Kaz… what?"


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: We officially start with material past the anime and with a new M-rating.**

**I'm glad the response to my question was so positive.**

**Have fun reading!**

* * *

The muffled sounds of a young girl running barefoot rang through the hall of Arcanretia's finest inn. Even this early in the morning, her step was full of vigor and anticipation of things to come. The unremarkable letter in her hand got crinkled from the excitement cursing throughout her body.

In a final burst of confidence, Yunyun ripped open the sliding door to Kazuma's room. "Good morning Kazu! I have something important to…"

Any further words got stuck in her throat. Her teacher was still sleeping, which wasn't out of the ordinary given how early in the morning she entered his room. Out of place was the person sharing the bed with him.

"How rude to intrude in someone else's room unannounced." said the small lump under the bedsheet with the voice of Megumin. Moments later her head appeared, blearily looking at Yunyun with disheveled hair.

"I don't want to hear that from you of all people. You could only stay here because Kazu passed out yesterday!"

Yunyun knew her rival didn't have the audacity to do anything without Kazuma's consent, although Megumin tried to make it look as if something had happened to infuriate her. She was successful in that regard, but the countermeasure against it was simple and effective.

The truth.

"Do you love him like I do?"

The simple question hit Megumin as hard as Yunyun predicted. "What are you talking about? You've barely known each other for a week!"

The crimson demon joined her fellow clan member in bed, pressing her body against the free left side of Kazuma. Although she addressed Megumin, Yunyun had her eyes solely on Kazuma's sleeping face. "That doesn't matter. All that matters is how he's the best thing in my life."

The added warmth stirred the young man in his sleep. One arm used as a pillow by Megumin, pulled her closer until she almost laid on top of him while his face found Yunyun's hair to nuzzle. Both girls blushed fiercely and endured the embarrassment to triumph over each other.

"See? We are already close like that." Megumin stuttered, noticing Yunyun had her attention focused on something under the bedsheets. "What's wrong?"

"Something hard is touching me."

"Horny harlot!"

"Not like that!" Yunyun removed the covers from Kazuma and pointed at his left hand. "Look!"

In his grasp was the black crystal ball.

He must have fallen asleep while watching something. It was evident by the intense stare at the magic item that Megumin was dying to know how it worked. Yunyun relished in having knowledge over her rival and channeled magic into the ball with a smug expression. Still in his hand, the smooth black surface began to swirl and lit up to show a picture which became sharper and sharper like a focusing camera. Because its holder wasn't focusing on anything, the ball drew deeper from the consciousness.

Dreams.

Any reservations about this invasion of privacy were forgotten by the two viewers as soon as the item showed the interior of a typical japanese kitchen from a modern age. They saw the world from Kazuma's eyes, identifiable through the view on green sleeves of his trademark green tracksuit. The same tracksuit Yunyun was currently wearing.

"That's his homeland!" Yunyun said excitedly, recognizing the type of house and furniture from several shows they had watched together.

The deep feeling of jealousy burned in Megumin and ate her from the inside out. Yunyun knowing more about Kazuma's past was something she couldn't stomach. Their party leader usually avoided talking about his former life with every nugget of information carefully guarded.

The man and woman sitting at the table with him shared similarities in appearance with Kazuma, making both girls wonder if they actually got their first glimpse at his parents. By the same logic, the miniature Kazuma sitting to his left could be his younger brother.

A picture-perfect scene of a family eating together.

"_How is your breakfast, dear? Is it good?"_

A up and down shift in perspective conveyed a nod of his head. The older woman smiled at Kazuma.

"_Does it sate your hunger, you worthless piece of shit?"_

Megumin and Yunyun did a double take to look at the still smiling face of Kazuma's mother. His father was equally smiling when he put down the newspaper and spoke with a saccharine tone.

"_Be glad we give anything to such a failure and endless disappointment."_

The dream Kazuma said nothing.

"_We got it right the second time with your little brother, don't we?"_

He just kept eating.

"_Yeah, I won't make my parents ashamed of my existence like my embarrassment of a big brother. Just do everybody a favor and go die already."_

From his perspective, Kazuma was falling backwards out of his chair, the ceiling of the kitchen changing to a blue sky. His body lay motionless on a dirt road, a girl with brown hair styled into twintails standing over him with a sneer.

"_Trying to save me like a hero? You can't even die without making yourself a laughing stock."_

Another change to the operation lights of a hospital with several doctors in scrubs and face masks_. The beeping of a heart monitor stopped as chuckling filled the hospital room._

"_Yeah, what a loser! At least he was good for a laugh while we tried to prolong his meaningless life."_

The next scene was him looking up from a deep hole in the ground and vague shapes of people in black clothing staying vigil from above. At the front stood none other than Aqua, her grin manic and full of joy as she laughed to her heart's content.

"_Rot away like the trash you are! My fellow mourning community, let's recite the ballad of Kazuma the HikiNEET!"_

Kazuma slowly raised his arm towards the mass of people and flipped everyone the bird at the same time the singing began.

"_Trashzuma, Kazutrash, waste of space! Died like a dog with shock on his face!"_

"_Despised by many, loved by none."_

"_Lived alone, died alone, forgotten soon!"_

"MAKE IT STOP!"

The ear-rending scream echoing through the void didn't come from the dream. Yunyun had crumbled to the floor, holding her head in both hands in horror. Megumin kicked the crystal out of Kazuma's hand and it rolled over the ground, cutting the image of hundreds of cruelly laughing faces. She sank to her knees shakily and put both hands on the back of her trembling rival. For a girl with her amount of social anxiety, the short clip portrayed Yunyun's personal nightmare magnified by a thousand.

The girls flinched from rustling of bedsheets and a small yawn. Kazuma had woken up and stared at them with bleary eyes.

"Morning?"

"Kazu!" Yunyun cried and broke out into tears, throwing herself on top of the groggy young man and holding onto his shirt. She gripped so tight, her knuckles turned white and hands were shaking.

Every fiber of Megumin screamed at her to remove Yunyun from Kazuma with excessive force, but the distraught look on her rival's face made it felt like all of her strength had been sapped away in similar fashion to mana drain, but with a cold piece of ice in her stomach instead of a pleasant afterglow.

"How did you sleep? Dream anything weird?" she asked with forced cheeriness that didn't reach her eyes.

Yunyun flinched and looked at him teary-eyed until Kazuma shrugged. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

Megumin paled and Yunyun's crying intensified until she muffled herself by burying her face deeper in his chest.

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

The breakfast buffet of their inn was on the same high caliber as their baths and bedrooms. As the highest authority of the axis church with his literal goddess in tow, Kazuma had been given the best table for him and his party. The group sat among unfamiliar luxury and comfort when being waited on by several servers nonstop.

Yunyun hadn't left his side for a second since calming down. He was used to hanging out with her from all the training sessions, but she kept so close their hips hadn't separated for almost two hours. Kazuma gave up on correcting her by the fifth time she tried to cut his food for him.

He drew the line at getting spoonfed his eggs.

"I told you I'm fine!" He took the eating utensil from her hand. "Dreams are just that, dreams, and nothing to get bent out of shape over."

Aqua came back from the buffet with another full plate, frowning at her assortment of delicacies. "They ran out of filled mushrooms again. Give me some of yours, HikiNEET!"

Megumin scene where Aqua's dream double had said those exact words was still vivid in her mind. Yunyun remembered as well, showing a more proactive reaction by lunging over the table towards the blue-haired archpriest with a butter knife. A very crude disemboweling was averted by devil reflexes and a goddess quick enough on her feet to dodge the first three stabs.

"Hey, it's alright." Kazuma pulled Yunyun in his lap around her waist while she kept swinging at Aqua with crazed eyes. "No really, It's alright. I don't mind."

"Why?" Yunyun asked meekly, calmed down enough to let Kazume take the knife from her shaking hand.

Aqua slowly approached the table like a scared animal to get back at her seat, ready to bolt by the slightest sign of aggression from the crimson demon. What she saw instead was a girl completely confused and looking at Kazuma for an explanation.

In her eyes, she had done nothing wrong.

The problem of reinventing yourself is finding the right balance between old and new. Yunyun was so hellbent to leave her old self behind, she overshoots too much in the other direction. Somebody had to keep an eye on her during the transfer period and Kazuma felt responsible to take this role as catalyst for her change.

"It's how we do things. She calls me a HikiNEET and I call her a useless debt goddess among other things. Think of it as really messed up pet names."

His words made the goddess blush and look away with a pout.

"And yes, you can have some of my mushrooms. I figured you would try to mooch off of mine."

Happy eating and smacking noises filled the room before he had completed the sentence. Kazuma rolled with his eyes at Aqua's atrocious table manners but Yunyun saw the slightest twitch of a smile on his face, which told her one simple truth. She still had a lot to learn about friends and wanted nobody else than him as teacher.

Darkness pondered in the meantime why Kazuma loaded his plate full of mushrooms in the first place. She knew he hated them with a vengeance. "You look tired, Kazuma. Everything alright?"

The following answer got the attention of the crusader and archpriest. "I feel like I barely slept last night. Why did you two come to wake me this early?"

Aqua being occupied with a full mouth of food, it fell to Darkness to speak up with a frown. "Yes Megumin, do tell why you decided to visit his room?"

"Why do you start with me? Let's hear what Yunyun wanted first!"

Yunyun took the offer without hesitation. "Kazu, I want to ask something of you."

"Well, if it's in my power…"

Her resolve steeled, Yunyun stood up from his lap, looked Kazuma deep in the eyes and took a deep breath. "Kazuma, I… I want to bear your child!"

The bold proclamation had naturally a profound effect on the table. Aqua choked on her food and almost got a broken spine from smacks on her back by Darkness. The crusader had tried to help but her shocked state messed with her fine motor skills. The cries of agony from the archpriest were left unheard by Megumin who became stiff as a board.

The only person remaining calm was Kazuma. "A few days ago I would have gladly jumped at this opportunity until my reproductive organs cease to function. Now things are different."

He put food from the fork in his mouth, chewed it deliberately and took a gulp of water to wash it down before handing the glass to Aqua.

He spoke over the loud drinking noises of his goddess. "I'm flattered beyond belief you consider me for putting a bun in your oven, but I have to decline if you can't provide further clarification. Doing the deed only for the purpose nature intended is a huge turnoff."

Yunyun swallowed and got on her hands and knees, bowing her head until it touched the floor. "The world is doomed without our child of prophecy! My father, the village chief, sent me a letter. A large army of evil marches towards our village and my people will defend it to their last breath."

"Holy shit, get up right this instant!" Kazuma quickly pulled the prostrating girl on her feet. Being begged for help made him incredibly uncomfortable."The situation sounds dire and needs attention, but how does it relate to you pumping out a baby?"

"That's the content of the second letter. A written prophecy about how our child will destroy the devil king and avenge my clan!"

"The plan is to make a baby and wait until it's old enough to fight?" Kazuma asked and raised an eyebrow when Yunyun nodded. "Maybe we should try to settle the matter ourselves first?"

"But the prophecy says…"

"Give me that!" Megumin snatched the papers from Yunyun's hand and scanned its content. "The second letter has completely different handwriting. Have you bothered reading the signature at the end?"

_**Legend of the Crimson Demon Hero, Chapter 1, Author: Arue**_

Silence reigned on the table.

"Snrk!"

Interrupted by a single snort from Aqua.

Yunyun wanted to run away and hide under a rock, the shame too much to bear as her dignity fell to pieces. Her plan failed because Kazuma's grip around her arm. No matter how hard she tried to break free, he wouldn't budge an inch and pulled her closer to him.

"Let me go! I'm so embarrassed I want to die!" she screamed, forcefully put back on her former spot on his lap.

"You're blowing this way out of proportion."

His calm assessment of the situation was something Yunyun couldn't agree with. "I was stupid enough to confuse a short story with a prophecy and asked you to make me pregnant!"

A strawberry against her lips cut the rambling short.

"Your people are faced with a real threat and you decided to do something without hesitation. Be proud of yourself. Not many are that decent of a person. I know I'm certainly not."

Yunyun was taken by surprise from the praise and opened her mouth slightly to accept the offered treat. She did it too quickly and the two fingers holding the small fruit slipped in. Instead of spitting them back out, she quickly ate and swallowed the strawberry to have enough room to suck tenderly on his fingertips.

New and improved Yunyun was back with a vengeance. His other hand on her thigh was firmly held in place by her own. He shuddered at the thought into what his apprentice could develop without proper guidance.

Or the right guidance, depending on your intentions.

Mostly sexy intentions.

"What's with all the elaborate praise?" Megumin sat down to his right, pinching Yunyun painfully into the back of her hand to get it off him. "I happen to be a crimson demon too, you know? Just because Yunyun heard it first, doesn't mean she's the only one willing to help!"

"Well said," Darkness sat down to his left and pulled Kazuma's hand from Yunyun's mouth to grasp it. "As a crusader it is my duty to protect the innocent and defeat evil no matter the horrific, excruciating, tormenting…"

"We get it, you're in,"Kazuma said deadpan, cutting the rant of Darkness off and turning to his archpriest. "What about you Aqua?"

Despite almost choking to death earlier, the goddess had gone back to stuffing her face. She had the decency to swallow her food at least before staring at him and the three girls around him. Then, in a speed where you blink and miss it, her expression morphed into an angry snarl for just long enough to put all of them on edge.

"Do you want me to come?" Aqua crawled on top of the table and got right into his face, close enough to smell the food on her breath and see some of it remaining on her face.

Kazuma pinched her cheek and wiped away a stain with his thumb. He licked the sauce off his finger, humming in satisfaction from the flavorful taste. The simple gesture had quieted the whole table and caused Aqua to stumble backwards, both hands on the spot Kazuma had touched.

"You know the answer, cheeky bitch."

They all averted their eyes when he looked at them. It was obvious to Kazuma how much had changed and he had known so for some time now. The only problem was his cluelessness about what manner to approach being suddenly popular.

But who said he had to do anything? As an advocate of true gender equality, he had no reservations about letting women do the courting.

"We could use my sword portal to get there, but I think Yunyun can get us closer with getting less attention via teleport spell."

He opted to get up, but it was hard to do so with all the girls crowding him. His heart soared from facing a problem he couldn't even fathom ever having to deal with a few days ago. People vying for his attention was a concept to him as alien as it could possibly get.

"We go to the village of crimson demons, take care of business and be back before nightfall for another soak in the hot spring."

He planned to milk his new happiness for all its worth.

Who knows how long it will last?


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Took me longer than usual to put out this chapter. I don't see my pace getting quicker anytime soon. Hope you don't mind!**

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* * *

Teleporting into the middle of a mage village, weapons drawn and ready for a fight, brought not as much attention towards Kazuma's party as expected. The citizens of the crimson demon village barely took a glance at the adventuring group before getting back to their daily business. There was nothing out of the ordinary in the very peaceful quiet mountain town at a first glance besides a giant bonfire in the center of town, easily three stories high and eclipsing everything.

Suddenly, the horrid stench of charred flesh entered their nostrils.

"Are they burning bodies?" Darkness asked horrified.

"Charming place, girls." Kazuma said towards Megumin and Yunyun, who looked as appalled as him.

"Welcome, outsiders." greeted a nearby crimson demon in the clothes of a baker, throwing casually the remains of a goblin on top of the burning pile.

On a closer look, they noticed all of the burning bodies were monsters, most likely more goblins, and Kazuma averted his eyes from the macabre sight. "We were told that the village needed help."

"Are you exterminators? Somewhere must be a nest of these vermins. No matter how much we kill, they keep coming and inconvenience us."

"Inconvenience?" Kazuma turned in disbelief to Yunyun for an explanation. "We came all the way out here to take care of an inconvenience!?"

The girl teared up under his scrutiny. "That can't be true! My father explicitly wrote it was a matter of life and death!"

Through the crowd came a middle aged man with moustache and the way the other villagers gave way to him told Kazuma about his higher standing in the community. The village chief was a man who dressed younger and more tacky than somebody of his age should. It came off like an old person cosplaying as a parody of a biker from hell, an effort trying way too hard to be edgy.

"It is, my sweet matter of whether we destroy them all or keep a few around as a tourist attraction."

Kazuma couldn't bring himself to be angry. Diversion of expectations and following disappointment was par for the course in this world. Experience has shown the pointlessness of getting worked up about the inevitable.

That didn't mean somebody else wouldn't hold a grudge. "So you are saying there is no emergency father?"

The poor fool didn't have the common sense to do anything to avoid the explosion of this powder keg from happening.

The idiot even stoked the flames. "Well, not really honeybun. Unless you consider the problem of goblin corpses clogging up our streets. I may have overstated the direness of the situation a little bit for dramatic effect."

"I see…"

The expression of Yunyun changed and Kazuma prepared himself mentally for the incoming storm. Yunyun's father had awakened a beast from its slumber.

"Father, I want you to meet the man I dedicated myself to with body and soul."

Surprised faces all around. Nobody expected a confession of undying love from the village loner.

Most of all, her shaken parent. "And those two girls are?"

The growing smile on Yunyun's face was more evil than anything Kazuma had ever seen on a person. Part of him was proud to be responsible for it. A larger part hoped he would never be on the receiving end.

"Satisfying Kazu all alone can be quite tiring, so we decided to share him among ourselves. He has plenty of love to go around for all four of us." Yunyun grabbed Kazuma's arm and sandwiched it between her boobs with a cute moan while looking her father straight in the eyes.

"All. Day. Long."

It wasn't every day you saw a grown man break. Kazuma understood why the mind of the village chief decided to exit when confronted with the idea that his daughter had regular fivesomes with a man she just met. His own imagination ran rampant but would surely be tempered by the reaction of the other three girls involved.

Darkness already grabbed Yunyun by the collar and pulled her in for a huddle. "What do you think you're doing?"

Aqua weighed in with her own two cents. "Yeah, tell her Darkness! I don't share my pudding let alone my Kazuma! He's my champion!"

This comment irked Megumin deeply after what she had seen in Kazuma's dream. "You never showed an ounce of interest or that you even liked him. Most of the insults against him came from you!"

"I reevaluated his worth and decided he is adequate to stand by my side. As a goddess it is my right to claim what is rightfully mine. You wouldn't even know him without me!"

"Conceited bitch!"

Darkness had to step in to stop them from getting into fisticuffs. "Maybe we can get back to the fact Yunyun proclaimed us four sharing a bed with him?"

Three pairs of glaring eyes transfixed the busty crimson demon, who was completely unimpressed by the hate directed towards her. "My father made me think our people are dying for dramatic effect. Let me have this as payback and play along for now. I won't interfere the next time any of you is alone with him to compensate for your efforts."

A tempting offer had been made, testing their moral fiber and getting the expected results. Kazuma had only heard heated whispers from his party for several minutes, until they finally broke apart and started their introduction to the waiting crowd.

"Oh yes, Mistress Yunyun is correct. As a lowly slave it is my solemn duty to fulfill every depraved wish of my beastly master! I, Darkness the holy crusader, will endure anything perverted for the sake of my lustful owner!"

Unusual decision to play along with Yunyun and a predictable execution. Even a fake declaration of devotion had to be unnecessary perverted when it came from Darkness. At least it was authentic and completely in character.

"Only a charming goddess as myself can show Kazuma the surging highs of ecstasy and make him crave for my heavenly touch!"

Somehow Aqua managed to make a show of affection about how great she is. Should he be flattered to have a place in the heart of somebody as self-absorbed as his useless goddess?

All eyes turned to the only girl left to lay her claim.

"I'm Megumin. I do the sex with Kazuma very good."

Everyone, the group of crimson demons around included, started to blink and stare at the blushing explosion wizard. Megumin began to fidget under the scrutiny and hid under her hat with trembling hands around her staff.

"You are so adorable." Kazuma crouched down and looked up to peek at her red face. "Don't feel embarrassed. You satisfy a very popular fetish."

"One of yours?"

He averted his eyes and whistled. "I'm not commenting on that among witnesses."

The lookaway brought the village chief back into his field of view. The large man looked at him like he was the devil incarnate, understandable given the circumstance of their introduction. With no real threat looming over the village, Kazuma saw no reason to hang around for longer than necessary and give an enraged father time to enact revenge for defiling his daughter.

"I think we are done here. Let's teleport back to continue our vacation."

Yunyun nodded, Darkness looked disappointed and Aqua shrugged in indifference.

"Wait!" Megumin was the only one having real objections. "We only just arrived and I haven't seen my family in a long time. Could we stay a bit longer?"

Kazuma could understand her sentiment on a logical level. Not emotionally, since he wasn't that close to his family and both parties were better off with him not around.

"Where would we stay?"

"My parents' house!"

"A sleepover at a friend's house? There's a first time for everything, I guess." Kazuma mumbled and turned to address his student. "What about you Yunyun? Do you want to come with us or stay with your father for tonight?"

Yunyun replied to the hopeful gaze of her father for less than a second. A multitude of emotions washed over her face, ending in a steeled look.

"I'm not in the mood for a family reunion."

"My sweet little girl hates me…" The village chief looked like a kicked dog before he fainted from grief and had to be carried away by three of his fellow crimson demons.

"Holy shit Yunyun, have a bit of mercy with your old man!"

In her eyes the mask wavered, the chosen personality still not completely saddle fast. "Tomorrow, I will visit him and clear up everything. Today he can use his time to imagine all the various ways my stern teacher has his way with me. Maybe next time he will think twice before scaring me with his bullshit."

"There needs to be some adjustments with your curriculum. You manage to make me uncomfortable."

Yunyun put on a sickeningly sweet smile and got right into his face until their noses touched. "Uncomfortably horny?"

He grabbed her nose between his index finger and thumb, squeezing to cause slight discomfort. "Among other things. Now turn it off before you break yourself."

"Fine." A deep breath later she returned to her usual sunny and shy demeanor with a blush.

The favorable treatment caused burning jealousy to run rampant among the other girls and Kazuma welcomed it with open arms. Being fought over was addicting as hell for somebody who never experienced being wanted by anybody. Although new to all of this, Kazuma had pretty good guesses about what his three companions were thinking from their expressions and his experience with them.

In Megumin's case the internal monologue wasn't staying inside. "Before we go to my parents… could you watch me while I get one off? It's been so long..."

"See? You can be lewd if you put your mind to it, Eromin."

"EXPLOSIONS! GET ONE EXPLOSION OFF, YOU PERV!"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

"Is that your parent's stables?"

"This is our house."

The ratty shack coming up in the distance was barely an upgrade from the horse crap filled haystacks Kazuma used to sleep in, let alone the mansion at Axel.

"It's rustic." Darkness said, trying to be diplomatic.

"It's certainly rusty." Kazuma joked and flinched when Megumin tightened her grip on his back. Turning back at view distance of her family home and looking for an inn was too rude even for him, even if Megumin could have done anything against it after her daily explosion.

The door didn't look sturdy enough to survive a knock, so he spoke loudly to get attention from the residents. "Hello? Anyone home?"

Pitter-Patter of small feet behind the door rang from inside the house. The door slid open in one swoop, revealing a child who was the spitting image to Megumin besides her smaller size and her hair put into pigtails.

"Is this your little sister, Megumin? She's pretty cute!" Kazuma asked Megumin and the archwizard nodded tiredly into his neck.

Aqua crouched down in front of the little girl. "It's like having a mini Megumin! Hey, want some candy?"

The little girl named Komekko stared at the group and then at the smiling face of her sister, took a deep breath and ran back into the house screaming. "Dad! Megumin's back, and she's snared a man!"

Kazuma's enhanced reflexes kicked in quick enough to grab Komekko by the cloak and stop her. The moment she dangled from his outstretched arm, he realized how questionable this would look for somebody coming in at the wrong moment.

"Unhand our daughter you fiend!"

Somebody like Megumin's parents, who swiftly penetrated him with high caliber spells. To his great relief, the two adults had good enough aim to avoid hitting Komekko and his body functioned as a meat shield for Megumin. Didn't change the fact that most of his organs had been liquified and dripped out of a hole in his chest.

Logically, Megumin's parents had every right to strike out against him. A stranger had forced entrance to their house and a reasonable person would try to clear up the misunderstanding.

"I am Kazuma Satou, the azure demon! You foiled my plans to take the small one but the claim to your firstborn is unbreakable! Megumin is mine to do with as I please!"

Kazuma wasn't in the mood to be reasonable. Being ridiculously sturdy didn't mean he enjoyed being mutilated on a constant basis. These crimson demons all had a thing for the overdramatic and he would give them a show to talk about for years to come.

It was working so far, gauging from their enraged expression. "We won't part with our daughter without proper compensation!"

"Exactly dear, 23.621.450 Eris and not a coin less for our little girl!"

Their words registered halfway into the next part of his performance. "Don't be stubborn and accept… what?"

"And we won't agree to any handshake deals! Written contract only! Follow us!" With those words, the two adults vanished back into the living room and left the baffled devil standing in the entrance with his companions.

"Sure…" On his first step, Kazuma noticed the limpness of the body on his back. "Megumin?"

Yunyun poked her unresponsive rival in the cheek. "I think she passed out from shock."

A few minutes later he had the questionable deed all written up in ink. For the exchange of a sizable amount of eris, Kazuma received ownership of Megumin and all three of her family members couldn't wait another second to pester him for the money. It felt more like a shakedown than a transaction as he gave them their payment from his inventory and watched the parents run off with their little daughter.

"I don't know who's more despicable, her parents for selling off their daughter or the HikiNEET for accepting the deal."

"This one time, I will overlook you calling Kazu like that."

"Buy me as well! Make me your property!"

With Megumin out cold and them delegated to housesitting until the family came back from shopping in the capital, the party didn't have much choice but to make themselves comfortable. Yunyun remembered the layout and room distribution from her countless hours of stalking her rival, showing the group around and helping them to settle in. A quick meal was made from their own rations, since everyone would have felt guilty for taking the meager food supply in the house.

Soon it was time to go to sleep and something curious caught Kazuma's attention. "Why are we all sleeping in the same room?"

"It would be rude taking up more space than necessary." Darkness answered, wearing her pink nightgown and holding a pillow in her arms. Her eyes sporadically glanced to his futon on the floor. All of them, the still unconscious Megumin excluded, behaved rather nervously about the sleeping arrangements.

"Then why not settle for two rooms?" Kazuma asked, becoming disturbed by his own words.

Why was he fighting so hard to avoid this?

Aqua had already laid down and taken up her usual space to his right. "You would be so tactless and claim a whole room for yourself while four girls have to share?"

Kazuma abstained from discussing this matter any further and crawled into his sleeping bag. His party members had become simultaneously aggressively jealous for attention and too stubborn to act upon that jealousy in more than a roundabout way. Combine that with his recent lack of enthusiasm and the time for good night's rest couldn't come soon enough.

Barely an hour had passed before he was forcefully woken up by movement in the room. Somebody tried to sneak around without much success and he opened his eyes with a sigh.

Three succubi stood over him, their eyes burning with envy.

"I told you to stay away when I sleep."

Startled by his awakening, the demoness with the biggest boobs stuttered an excuse. "We are not here for you master!"

"Not for me?" he asked the fidgeting demon girls before it dawned on him. "Oh no…"

Kazuma had become the perfect center point in the room with four bodies surrounding him in an equal distance of almost nothing. Lack of personal space was usually Aqua's thing, but the goddess seemed to inspire the others with her bad example. Somehow even unconscious Megumin had found her way resting with his legs as a pillow.

"We have four orders of pleasant dreams for these young ladies. Two solo experiences and a shared dream to be exact."

Somewhere along the line, arrangements had been made for sexy dream time and that gave rise to a lot of questions. Had each of them approached a succubus separately or did they book this experience as a group effort? And why today? Did they forget in the excitement of saving the crimson demon village or was the timing on purpose?

They had already spent good money on it, most likely his money, so there was no point in letting it go to waste.

"Proceed."

The process of giving people pleasant dreams wasn't very involved. A poke against the forehead with a glowing finger, or two fingers in Yunyun and Megumin's case, and off went the horny train with no breaks.

This meant Kazuma had to endure being sandwiched between four girls having an intense wet dream. Sudden heavy musk of female arousal in the air made his neck hair stand on end. Squirming softness against his body and sweet moans from four mouths turned him red like a tomato and his virgin heart couldn't take it anymore when the same mouths started mumbling his name.

"_... punish this filthy sow master… the whole candle… don't extinguish the flame…"_

"_... how does wine poured down my naked legs taste… worship your goddess's feet… between the toes as well servant..."_

"_... this time we will determine a definitive winner… the first to choke loses… don't spill a drop..."_

"_... It's not fair Yunyun… it's too big..."_

He should feel flattered.

He should feel tempted.

He should feel happy.

"_Kazuma!"_

"_Kazuma!"_

"_Kazuma!"_

"_Kazuma!"_

All he felt was the desire to get out of this house.

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

The attempt to clear his head and make sense out of recent events brought Kazuma's wandering body into town and eventually to the surrounding forest.

A few minutes in, he stumbled over something curious.

"So this is the grand camp of the enemy?"

Refugees would have been a more apt description of the ragtag group living in tents and makeshift barracks. This wasn't an army by any stretch of the imagination and barely could be considered a threat to a village full of overpowered mages. Kazuma walked among the mobs of goblins, kobolds and other entries of the low level bestiary and nobody lifted a finger to stop him from trespassing, staring at him with lifeless defeated eyes

"Hey, where's your boss? I have to talk with him about something."

"That would be me, boy."

Kazuma turned to the melodic voice and had to do a double take. The general for this army was a busty, statuesque beauty in spite of a freakishly huge frame of at least 7 feet. Creamy brown skin was barely covered up by an exposing red dress and luscious long dark hair with red extensions framed her immaculate face.

In short, a real bombshell of a woman.

"Sorry ma'am, didn't mean to assume."

The demon general mustered Kazuma with a calculating smirk and stood more wide-legged, drawing attention to her crotch under the flowing red dress. "No, him is equally apt in my circumstance."

"I see..." Kazuma blanched at the visible bulge. "My name is Kazuma Satou and you can probably guess why I am here."

The discovery of the enemy might have been a coincidence, but the intent had always been to take care of said enemy forces. With how crippled their fighting strength was, the young half devil had no doubt this whole ordeal could be resolved by defeating the leader.

Sylvia realized this at the same time as him. "Of course, but first let me give you a name to scream on your way to the afterlife. I am called Sylvia, she who has synthesized and modified herself. Yes, Sylvia, the Growth Chimera!"

"Draw your weapon, Sylvia." Kazuma replied with little enthusiasm.

The woman inhaled deeply and spit fire at him without warning. The surprise attack hit Kazuma point blank and lit his upper body ablaze in a big explosion. He stood there like a human torch, skin and flesh melting from his skull.

"Fool, my whole body is a weapon!" cackled the chimera in glee and wanted to point at him, until she noticed her arm wouldn't move for the simple reason that it wasn't attached to her body anymore.

She stared at the severed limb on the ground and began to sweat when the burning skull of her opponent managed to talk. "I want to point out how you decided to throw the first punch in this situation. Anything from me in retaliation is completely justified."

The general picked up the arm and reattached it to her body. "Do you think this will stop a chimera? Adding pieces to ourselves is what we excel at!"

Four flashes of light and Sylvia felt herself toppling to the ground, face first in the dirt and unable to move. Kazuma had robbed his opponent of her arms and legs in an instant. She didn't even feel the blade connect, as if he'd been too fast for her body to realize it had been cut.

At this moment, Silvia the chimera realized how outmatched she was by the enemy. This man could have gone as easily for her head instead, killing the general instantly without her ever knowing how she met her demise.

"I give you a second to collect yourself."

There was no way of beating this monster.

"Smug asshole..." the dismembered woman lifted her head to stare him down as a last act of defiance. "What will you do after you killed me?"

"Who knows? Maybe exterminate the rest here?" Kazuma said in a tone which sounded more confident than he felt. The thought of mowing down depressed monsters without any opposition left a sour taste in his mouth. Everything about the situation rubbed him the wrong way. This wasn't the epic confrontation with the forces of evil he sought after.

"It's not supposed to be this way… It's not fair…!" The proud general succumbed to frustration, headbutting the ground and sobbing in despair. "The devil king was supposed to change our lives for the better. Why did he leave us to die when we needed him most?"

Kazuma watched silently, letting the chimera vent.

"The coward hid in his castle while his loyal servants were slaughtered, abandoning them to their fate from within the cushy safety of his barrier!"

Uncomfortable shivers ran over his body when Sylvia began crying like a child. "Why did you fight for him in the first place?"

Sylvia rolled on her back, a difficult task for a body consisting only of a head and torso. "For many, the devil king was the only choice. What would you do if your only worth in this world was the amount of experience points people get for killing you?"

The lump in his throat was as unexpected as it was unwelcome. "Now you are making me feel like the bad guy."

Her sad eyes focused on a nearby goblin eating grey gruel from a wooden bowl. "The only proof somebody like little Gleek over there ever existed will be his entry as a slain monster on an adventurer's card. Tell me, hero, what would I see if I looked at yours? How many had to die for your latest skill? Was it worth the grind?"

Kazuma suppressed the urge to snort at being called a hero. Even he wasn't so delusional to think noble intentions fueled his actions. This Sylvia person had a pretty skewed impression of him. Nonetheless, something long forgotten twitched in Kazuma's mind, a small and underdeveloped part in the cynical machinations of his brain. Kazuma empathized with these people, who were dealt a bad hand and tried to make the best out of it. Until recently, he'd been on the same boat as an unlucky outcast in desperate hope to catch a break.

Homeless, penniless and without a perspective for his future. Dying had been the best thing that ever happened to him, even though it took the second time around. None of these monsters would get the same opportunity and Kazuma knew he had the power to change that.

The question was if he wanted to bother.

"What's that around your neck Gleek?" Kazuma asked the small goblin and Sylvia's eyes went wide from indignation. This guy had the gall to simply brush over her final moment and turn his attention elsewhere. A worthless trinket no less, a keychain of a cute cat girl with big tits in a flimsy swimsuit.

The green guy presented his possession with reverence. "It's a good luck charm. Gleek was hoping to have a mate like this someday."

The warmth and fondness in Kazuma's eyes when he stared at the figure took the general off guard. A simple piece of kitsch from a foreign land had more emotional effect on him than their whole battle

"Did you know the bra and panties can be taken off?" Kazuma said with a sigh and handed the goblin his erotic figurine back, who instantly began undressing the piece of plastic with burning fascination.

While Gleek showed his great new discovery to his fellow goblins, Kazuma sat down besides the dismembered body of his opponent. "You know, I've been called a goblin several times by women in the past."

Sylvia stared silently into the night sky.

"Yeah, and tonight I had to flee my room from the sex fumes of four beautiful girls having wet dreams about me."

The general remained silent.

"Things change, Sylvia. If it was for the better each has to decide on their own."

A feeling of hypocrisy washed over Kazuma as soon as the words had left his mouth. If he truly believed them, why was he sitting around a campfire with goblins and a mutilated patchwork general to avoid being with four girls hot and bothered for him? Where had his earlier resolve to be courted by beautiful girls gone?

Or was this just a convenient excuse to do nothing?

What was he so afraid about? Nothing in this world could harm him anymore.

He gathered up the body parts of the chimera to take his mind off these unwelcome thoughts. Sylvia stared at him warily while Kazuma put her limbs at the appropriate places to reattach with her body. Soon she was as good as new, but her will to fight had vanished. All that remained was a numb feeling in her chest.

"Your pity is as confusing as it is worthless. We need more than a few empty words of encouragement at this point. Nothing short of a miracle would be enough."

The mood turned somber at the campfires, goblins chewing wordlessly on dry rations and staring into the flames. Kazuma had the hand on his sword faster than anyone could react, drawing and sheathing his blade with two wide swipes in a blink of an eye. The camp was illuminated by the opening of his biggest portal so far.

"Pack your stuff. All of you earned a little vacation."


	15. Chapter 15

"Where the hell is he? This trip was his idea and now he's ditching us?"

Aqua only got half hearted agreement from the rest of the group. They knew why Kazuma had fled and couldn't blame him after severely underestimating the potency of a succubus dream. It sounded like a fun idea to fulfill your fantasies from the secure confines of harmless dreams. What they didn't tell you is how intensely the experience affects your body without any conscious way to stop it.

Cue a room with sex fumes so thick it absorbed into the carpet and wallpapers. After waking up, the blushing girls used most of the morning to scrub, wash and cleanse the evidence of their debauchery, burning all of the bedding in the process. Worst of all, every single one of them had liked what they had seen and didn't want to live without it anymore. This meant either dropping a lot of cash in regular dream service or fighting for the real deal against three other competitors.

At this point nobody felt the need to deny what this was all about.

They wanted Kazuma and nobody was inclined to share.

There was another problem besides the competition. The realization how much they liked their party leader was in equal parts freeing and scary. Loving a man like Kazuma Satou would be a herculean task on its own, countering his many faults and shortcoming to form a functioning relationship.

Despite that, each of them caught their minds thinking about a possible future together with fondness.

"Why are you all looking so serious? I woke up this morning bursting with energy!" ++ "Let's have the HikiNEET treat us to something nice once we find him!"

As usual, Aqua was the most oblivious and nonchalant in handling the situation. Darkness felt once again the bitter sting of envy from watching the self-proclaimed goddess act without a care in the world. The crusader wished she could be as selfish as her, forgetting responsibilities and only living for your own happiness.

Their party leader was similar in a way, always thinking about himself first and thus making any form of selfless action when it happened so much more meaningful. If Kazuma Satou decided to help you, he really cared about your wellbeing. A perfect case in point was the demonic two-handed sword on her back and the red trench coat she was wearing.

The magical weapon named Rebellion tailor-made to her needs was one thing, but despite his denial, the red piece of clothing had a charm as well. Her visit at home had been spent identifying every inch of her new equipment and the moment she discovered the exact nature of the clothing, her heart was set to become the woman of this man.

The red leather coat had one obvious ability in making her senses sharper as addition to the agility and accuracy boost from the sword. At first Darkness had thought this was just another layer of defense, until she received a hit for the first time in her new outfit.

Touch was a sense as well and the magic didn't differentiate between good and bad touch, which meant every type of pain she felt was amplified as well. After learning about this, the crusader didn't want to take off this wondrous item under any circumstance. She almost wore it yesterday to sleep, but decided against it out of embarrassment. Wearing nothing but the gift of a man you fantasize about during a succubus dream was a line she couldn't quite cross yet, but every day her inhibitions lessened and the yearning intensified.

Most of all since she had found out about the biggest secret of her gift.

A last enchantment, only unveiled by severe study from multiple experts in the capital and the most intricate. The coat might had no real defensive abilities to prevent damage, but inhabited a very powerful safeguard against dying. Kazuma's item recognizes wounds that would end your life and counteracts with a combination of two spells, a very powerful healing magic and a teleport rune which transports the user to a secure location.

While wearing this thing, Darkness could indulge in her masochistic nature with no fear of actual death. This also meant her blunder with Vanir was so much more egregious. Getting possessed had been one of the only ways to circumvent all his efforts to protect her, which made his displeasure so much more relatable.

Otherwise, it was the perfect gift for a hopeless woman like herself and the final nudge to tell her father she found a husband. A hasty decision she had regretted immediately, because he was now chomping at the bit to meet his future son-in-law. Ironically, Darkness saw herself more and more in last place for this race.

Maybe visiting her home next would close the widening gap?

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

The beauty of Arcanretia astonished Eris every time she visited for a mission. Her fellow goddess Aqua may not follow the most righteous path in most cases, but her believers were the most dedicated people amongst any religion. The zealousness of the axis cult made them a household name in spite of their small numbers.

She would see it soon enough if this damn line would move already. The teleport stations were unusually crowded lately due to the complete defeat of the evil army. People stopped holing up in the major cities out of fear and went on trips and vacations to celebrate, which put a lot of strain on the transportation systems.

Under different circumstances, Eris would be celebrating as hard as any of them. The thought of a devil king beaten back to the point of irrelevance should be enough to make all of heaven dance with joy, if it weren't for the circumstances under which it had happened.

Hell had done it.

Easily.

After centuries of struggle, one small loophole in the rules had been enough to make it all pointless. The bigshots on cloud nine weren't happy about looking stupid in front of their mortal enemies. Most of that anger was them not thinking of doing it themselves earlier.

"Are you sure about this Chris?"

Eris glanced at her companion waiting with her for their turn to be teleported. Mitsurugi Kyouya, the hero from another world, didn't need much convincing to accompany the goddess in thief disguise.

One word about Aqua and the guy was hooked.

"My sources have never failed me. Kazuma and his party left for Arcanretia via carriage and should have arrived by now."

The next set of people was teleported away and Mitsurugi became noticeably more antsy. "Why wouldn't they use a teleport station like us?"

Eris suppressed an eye roll. Mitsurugi Kyouya was everything a hero should be, but he severely lacked the knowledge of how the real world worked due to his status. Money never was a problem for somebody who could swing his magical blade in the general direction of a monster to get paid.

Kazuma was an anomaly among the heroes from another world and therefore harder to predict. Maybe they didn't have the funds or were simply too frugal to pay for the expensive magical travel. The travel itself could be part of a plan she didn't fully grasp. Or they simply forgot the possibility was available.

Whatever the reason, Chris would soon know after stepping into the magical teleport circle.

"Two people to Arcanretia?" asked the old wizard manning the station.

"Straight to the town square please."

"That will cost extra."

Eris grabbed her coin pouch to pay but an armored hand stopped her. "Let me take care of this."

The goddess had the inexplicable urge to punch this guy in the face while he paid for her ticket. No matter how genuinely nice he was, Mitsurugi had the uncanny talent of making it involuntarily look condescending and obtrusive.

His behaviour was just too nice to be believable.

Nonetheless, Eris was glad to have his help. She didn't even have to reveal her true identity to convince him. The young man revered Aqua to a fault and Eris felt a little bad for manipulating him into helping with dangling her senpai like a carrot in front of him.

"Don't forget the plan. We try to be rational and reasonable with him before taking more drastic steps."

"I still can't believe he would make a deal with a devil. Kazuma always looked like the regular but harmless kind of scumbag to me."

Eris agreed wholeheartedly as they teleported away. Kazuma wasn't evil, just misguided, which became harder every day to justify with her superiors and it wouldn't get easier if the first glance at the new face of Arcanretia was any indication.

Eris couldn't remember ever seeing goblins drinking coffee in her favorite cafe at the town square.

"Monsters!" Mitsurugi yelled and the two goblins got scared from the armored man pointing his finger at them, trying to hide under the table in the face of the approaching hero.

One of the waiters blocked his way to the cowering goblins. "Sir, we would prefer if you don't threaten our customers and use demeaning slurs against them."

"Yeah, rude much?" A young girl from the next table said with agreeing nods from her friends.

The other patrons joined to voice their frustration and brought out Mitsurugi's own. "Don't you all now what these things are?"

"They have names. Nob and Dob became valued citizens of Arcanretia and fellow followers of the axis church."

The goblins nervously showed their holy symbols and membership cards.

The waiter poured them another cup of coffee with a smile before giving the adventurers a suspicious look. "You on the other hand reek of trouble. If you don't have any business here, get lost and stop bothering innocent people."

The frosty reception to their presence was similar all around town. Monsters of all walks of life had somehow integrated over night into the city and all it had taken was for them to join the axis cult. The massive increase of population brought massive expansion. Nobody knew where the money was coming from to essentially jumpstart the construction of two additional districts as massive rings around the city, tripling its total mass to almost rival the capital.

New statues of the goddess Aqua had popped up everywhere, varying in size and materials used. Eris and Mitsurugi sat under the shadow of one such statue, twenty feet tall and made of white marble. Mitsurugi held his head with both hands and stared at the ground. "Why would the axis church allow monsters in their ranks? How could my goddess Aqua allow such a thing?"

"I don't think this was her idea…" Eris said and rubbed her forehead, having a real hard time suppressing her urge to vanquish every demon type monster they came across.

Mitsurugi looked up just in time to see the man they have been looking for all day, Kazuma Satou, the evil mastermind behind this nefarious plot.

Wearing a yellow hardhat and waving a small flag around to guide a group of gnolls. "OK guys and gals, this concludes the official tour of the town. Don't forget to wear your documentation in this transitional period. We know it's tedious but better be safe than sorry when an overzealous adventurer comes into town."

He handed out several brochures to the anthropomorphic animals and gave seconds to those who started gnawing on the paper. "A stable income will be provided after discussing your temporary work assignment. Should any of you have concerns about the assigned task, contact the nearest official from the axis cult for a possible job change."

Eris kept staring dumbfoundedly as the half-devil explained low-level dungeon mobs the ins and outs of modern citizenship.

"According to our new fair labor standards, you have a five day and nine-to-five work week. You have a right to four weeks of paid vacation a year, so feel free to use these days to acclimate to your new home or to recover when necessary."

One click on his inventory and several dozen sacks piled up to his feet. "Your wages will always be paid at the first of the month with this first payment in advance to get the ball rolling. One sack of coins per person, each child counts as well and gets the same share. Any questions?"

One female gnoll shows one of her little pups crawling all over her. "Can I name my firstborn of the litter after you?"

Kazuma went for a pet of the furry bundle of hyena-like cuteness and was rewarded with a mangled hand in his tiny maw. The baby began chewing on his bloody hand under the horrified stares of its mother and the surrounding monsters.

"Sure, you can," he bopped the infant on the nose with his good hand to make it let go and dodged another bite. "Feisty little guy. Very cute though."

The wound was gone at the time he wiped the blood of his hand with a handkerchief. "If nobody else has a question, I thank everybody here for their attention and hope you will enjoy your new life in Arcanretia. May the benevolent goddess Aqua… yada yada and so on… you know the rest."

The atmosphere around the young man gave Eris pause and hesitation to approach him. Something had changed and it had nothing to do with his demonic influence. After watching him interact and talk with the dispersing monsters for another minute she realized the difference.

Kazuma Satou looked genuinely happy.

All the more disappointing was to see how his face fell when he saw her. The goddess couldn't bear to see a mortal look at her with such disdain present in the eyes. Her heroic companion had no such thoughts, given by the confident approach and dramatic introduction.

"You have been busy Kazuma Satou, but your suspicious machinations end now."

Kazuma glanced at the thief and back at the posturing warrior, biting the inside of his cheek and furrowing his brow in deep thought.

Mitsurugi looked crestfallen at the struggling half-devil. "Have you forgotten my name?"

"To be fair we met like once… Mitsubishi?"

"Twice! And it's Mitsurugi! Mitsurugi Kyouya! You pawned my sword!"

"And you got it back. All well that ends well, I guess?"

Kazuma acted eerily too nonplussed by their presence for the goddess's taste. Even if she wasn't registering as a threat to him, Mitsurugi arguably counted as one of the most powerful warriors this world had to offer. Granted, he owed this fact from the magical sword and divine gifts, but the guy should nonetheless invoke more respect than none at all.

Currently, she felt they were more like a nuisance and stepped in between the two guys. "Kazuma, we came to stop you."

"This guy already said that in a more flowery way, and I have to ask you from what exactly are you trying to stop me? I can't see anything reprehensible in my actions."

Eris made a sweeping gesture to take a look all around them. "You call this nothing? Monsters have no place among real people."

Once again, Kazuma realized how brutal this world was under the paper thin sugary paint job. If you are born a certain way, nobody will let you forget where your place should be. A simple roll of the dice meant either you are the chosen hero or a few thousand eris worth of reward money.

He would laugh at anybody who claimed luck was an unnecessary stat.

"Why do you care anyway? You're a damn thief!"

Eris was getting frustrated by Kazuma's stubbornness. She needed him to understand why continuing on this path only would lead to ruin. History always repeats itself and the last person to brazingly tempt fate like that currently sat behind a barrier in his demon castle, moments away from being destroyed once and for all.

She didn't want him to share the same fate.

"I care because I'm also a damn goddess!"

The careful mask of guarded indifference slipped from Kazuma's face. Mitsurugi stood with his hand ready at the sword hilt, waiting for a rash decision from his fellow countryman and hiding his own surprise about this revelation. Instead of flying off the handle, Kazuma was silent, staring at the revealed goddess intently with curiosity as if trying to figure something out.

Then he snapped his fingers in recognition. "I know who you are!"

"Kazuma?" she asked, following his eyes which were glued to a certain part of her body.

"Eris pads her chest…"

"Guh!"

The goddess stumbled backwards and didn't have much opportunity to recover from the soul-crushing burn before a nearby magic circle announced the arrival of four more people to the conversation. Aqua, Darkness, Megumin and Yunyun appeared and they honed in instantly on the only male in their party.

"There he is! I told you the tracking spell would work! Who's now sorry for not diversifying her skillset, huh Megumin?"

"Where else would he go? Don't get smug because you have to compensate for your lack of common sense with magic tricks!"

"Don't pretend you knew! You searched for hours like the rest of us!"

Seeing them all squabble like always brought an involuntary smile to Kazuma's face. He would never admit it out loud, but these girls were the first people he ever gave a shit about. Nobody who spent more than five minutes with any of them would believe him anyway.

Aqua poked him in the chest. "Don't you dare grin like an idiot after leaving us behind!"

Kazuma took the hand and pulled her towards the baffled swordsman and very nervous thief. "Aqua, could you tell your coworker to stay out of my business?"

"Huh?" the archpriest looked her fellow goddess right in the face and examined every inch. Aqua's brows furrowed in confusion, until her eyes wandered down and she poked the thief in the flat chest.

"Eris?"

"You all recognize me over something stupid like that? What is wrong with you?"

Aqua hugged the crying Eris and patted her head condescendingly. "Only you can get so embarrassed over your lacking assets! Are you here to ask for guidance from a superior goddess? Did you buckle under my enormous workload and want to beg for my return?"

"I'm here to stop your companion from messing up this world! Look around what he has done to your city!"

Compelled to do so, Aqua bothered to take in how her city had changed since her last visit.

She saw monsters and demons walking among her people, wearing clear symbols to identify them to the axis faith.

She saw her city was in progress to become at least three times bigger than it had been before.

She saw her dilapidated churches getting renovated and made more opulent than she ever dared to hope.

She saw people and monsters alike, being happy to be in her city.

She saw the man responsible for it.

Aqua also saw the irritating guy with the magic sword coming towards her. "She's right about this Lady Aqua! You can't seriously want monsters and other evil creatures worshipping a pure and righteous goddess as yourself!"

Laughter rang through the street when Kazuma lost it. "Pure and righteous? What the hell did you tell him when it was his turn to be thrown in here?"

On any other occasion, Aqua would have fired back with an insult, but her mouth had become too dry to stop him.

"You have a very biased opinion of your goddess. Take it from somebody who actually spends most of his time with her that she's not close to anything you just said."

His words hurt. They hurt her so much.

"She's an alcoholic, lazy klutz, who's always getting herself into trouble through unnecessary actions. She lies, cheats and steals for petty reasons with no regard for rules or decency. I would say she's the most infuriating being I've ever come across."

Aqua's dead eyes looked at the ground, her spirit broken to pieces.

Her mind wasn't ready for his next move.

He put his arm around her waist and pulled her close until their hips touched. "But that's just how she is and I wouldn't want her any different at this point. I'm used to my useless goddess."

The closeness gave her the opportunity to take in his unique and intoxicating devil smell and before she knew it, her face was buried in his neck. Aqua put the arm around her waist lower until his fingers grazed her butt through the short skirt. The surprised half-devil flinched back and their eyes met before the goddess guided it back to grab a handful. The world and its problems disappeared for Kazuma as he continued to experience the pillowy softness in his grasp.

The magic sword Gram hit him full force while he had a smile on his face. Kazuma flew against the nearby building with enough force to make the whole thing crumble down on top of him. The dramatic effect would have been greater if the half-devil hadn't looked so bored through the whole flight and kept sighing after being buried under several tons of rubble.

"What are you doing?" Eris stared at the decimated building with dread. "Why are you attacking him out of the blue?"

"I thought the plan was to be more drastic if talking doesn't help! Besides, you saw how he groped a goddess!"

The goddess of luck prepared herself with a sigh for the inevitable confrontation when all of his party members would jump in to avenge the attack on their party leader. Strangely enough, his companions looked less angry and more relieved now that Kazuma had been violently removed from Aqua.

Then, as if suddenly realizing what they were happy about, the two crimson demons raced towards their buried party leader and began digging through the rubble. Darkness hadn't moved a muscle since coming here, staring directly at Eris with an unreadable expression. Their confrontation was another can of worms all together now that her true identity was out.

The other goddess in the mix had no eyes for such trivial matters. Aqua, goddess of water, touched the spot on her butt where Kazuma's hand had been mere seconds ago, the last bit of his warmth dissipating from her skin.

She wanted to savour this feeling.

"Are you alright, Lady Aqua?" Mitsurugi put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and the atmosphere electrified to the point his gauntlet started to melt. Hairs stood on end of every onlooker as her eyes glowed with fury against the puny mortal who dared to interrupt.

Suddenly every synapse of his devil senses screamed at Kazuma to get away as far as possible. Whatever would happen next, he didn't want any of his friends near it, so he burst from the rubble and grabbed Megumin and Yunyun to dive behind cover. Darkness had the presence of mind to do the same with Eris and shield the smaller woman with her body.

Just in time before the calamity.

"GOD BLOW!"

The impact distorted reality itself as soon as the petite fist of Aqua connected with the perfect jawline of Mitsurugi Kyouya. Blinding light enveloped the whole city block until all shapes vanished within an all-encompassing white. It took several seconds before the brightness finally returned to normal and almost a minute before the eyes of the affected could see again.

Through dancing black spots in their eyes, they saw the result of Aqua's outbreak and the tension deflated as everyone looked flabbergasted at the large crater. Dozens of feet wide and kneedeep, Aqua just sat in the hole besides a pair of armored legs.

Only a pair of legs.

Kazuma approached cautiously as the divine fallout prickled on his skin like acid rain. "Just to be sure… you had no idea this would happen, right?"

She shook her head and sat down in the fetal position, head resting on her knees. The magnitude of her attack seemed to have shocked Aqua as much as anybody else, maybe even scared her quite a bit.

He sat next to her on the ground and put an arm around her. "It's not a big deal. You're a goddess so just bring him back."

"Oh right!" Aqua jumped to her feet and brandished her staff, starting the incantation.

Eris walked up to Kazuma and whispered to him. "She can't bring him back. It's against the rules and I'm not up there to turn a blind eye."

Both watched as Aqua cast her magic with baited breath. A moment later the body of Mitsurugi was back, minus his clothes since they had been vaporized in the blast. The eyes of Eris went wide as she saw a noticeable rise and fall of his chest, showcasing working lungs pumping for air.

"Do you ever get tired of being wrong?"

The quip of Kazuma against her competence didn't even register on her mind as she was occupied with processing the monumental implications of this resurrection.

As somebody a lot more dedicated to the law of heaven, Eris had an inkling why her senpai could brute force through every divine limitation. The power of a goddess was directly linked to the faith of their followers and only hampered by the connection to this world. Even though she entered this world with her real body instead of a mortal coil like Eris, the small size of the axis cult had kept the power in balance.

Kazuma had multiplied the number of believers and thus her powers. Powers she could now use without caring about the rules.

A frightening thought.

"Now, why don't you accompany the others to our hotel for a relaxing hot bath and maybe a bottle from the wine cellar?" Kazuma suggested to four very displeased looking girls.

Aqua voiced their thoughts perfectly. "We are still mad at you for ditching us."

"Fine, everyone gets one favor."

The admission of guilt opened the floodgates.

"I want a foot massage! My feet hurt after you made us look for you all day, stupid HikiNEET."

"We haven't been on our explosion walk for ages, and this time you won't get out doing the choreograph with me! Chant and poses!"

"I need a new outfit, matching my new image. Go shopping with me, Kazu. Just the two of us!"

"I want you to meet my father and pretend to be my fiance."

Kazuma raised an eyebrow. "I notice an escalation in complexity here, especially the last one, but it's my fault for forgetting to set limitations. After Aqua's massage, you three figure out the order of the remaining requests."

A loud groan alarmed everybody to the reawakening of a magic swordsman. Kazuma jumped back into the crater and crouched down beside the defeated and very naked young man. "So what's it gonna be? Do you want to continue where we left off?"

Mitsurugi Kyouya kept lying on his back, staring at the sky.

"She killed me because of you."

There was no blame or anger in his voice, just dry stating of an undeniable fact. The guy was weirdly subdued for somebody who just died and had been brought back to life, but Kazuma figured dying could have different effects depending on the person.

"For some ungodly reason, she has chosen you of all people. Make Lady Aqua happy." The swordsman said with an accepting smile and walked into the sunset, his blade shouldered and wearing nothing but his greaves.

Kazuma waited until Mitsurugi was out of earshot. "Even when admitting defeat this guy is annoying. That's a talent."

With her ally gone, Eris considered a tactical retreat and reevaluation of strategy. The apparent infatuation of her superior with Kazuma brought a lot more variables to the table she had to carefully consider before approaching him again.

She made it two steps away before bumping into something tall and hard.

"Do you actually believe I would let you go without a proper resolution for our differences?" Kazuma said while Eris stared upwards into the unamused face of a certain crusader. "Seems like my companion thinks the same way. Darkness, be so kind and show Eris her hotel room."

Darkness stood in front of Eris like a wall. "My dear old friend will stay in my room."

"But, I…"

The armored gauntlet squeezed the thief's shoulder like a vice and dashed any hope of escape. "We have a lot to talk about."


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: New chapter and I turn up the steaminess a little bit on this one. The rating system on FF confuses me, because I get very different answers to what is allowed to show in a mature rating in terms of violence and sexuality. The general approach seems to be to post and pray to not get deleted. I simultaneously post my work on AO3 under the same story names for safety's sake.**

* * *

Kazuma was waiting for Aqua in her room, exactly as she instructed before vanishing to take a bath. The goddess opted not to use the large hot spring of the hotel and instead settled for the small tub in her separate bathroom.

Megumin and Yunyun had run off to decide who would be next after Aqua whilst Darkness held Eris captive in her room for precious girl time. None of that mattered now, since he had to concentrate on fulfilling the request of his useless goddess satisfactory to get her off his back. Aqua being grumpy was a nuisance. Aqua being grumpy with sudden superpowers painted a much more grim picture.

Naturally, he sat a bit straighter when the door to the bathroom opened. The goddess came towards him in a confident stride, steam still coming from her skin and only a towel wrapped around her body. She unhooked the knot on the thin piece of fabric and unraveled from the towel, holding it behind herself to block his view. Kazuma's sight on her naked body remained blocked until she had laid down on her stomach and repurposed the towel as a skirt.

"Stop gawking and start rubbing." Aqua opened a small drawer on her nightstand and tossed him a bottle. "Use the oil."

Kazuma did just that by applying a healthy amount of the slippery fluid on his hands and starting with her exposed upper back. After a few minutes he went down to her hourglass waist, circling back up and accidentally bumping into the side of her boobs.

"_She's so soft..."_ Kazuma thought with a stuttering breath, quickly changing to massaging her arms.

The thighs and calves didn't contribute to calming his emotions down. At his fingertips was a goddess, in the literal and figurative sense, with her perfect silky smooth skin glistening in the dim light of their room. Every satisfied moan of hers strained his nerves to the breaking point and one glance back would reveal how much she affected him.

Especially in his lower area.

Lying prone she bent her knees on both legs, lifting her feet and pressing their soles in his face. "They hurt from walking," her great toes poked him in both cheeks. "kiss and pamper them to make it all better."

Despite the bratty demand rubbing him the wrong way, he gently began kneading her soles and working the toes. "You always push it beyond the reasonable, useless goddess."

"Do you like them?"

He put his lips on every single toe in order. "You have very cute feet."

Several seconds of silence followed and Kazum had the nagging feeling she thought hard about something. His feelings were verified by the way she couldn't look him in the eye during her next question. "What about the rest of me?"

"You are gifted with an incredibly hot body. I would say nobody in my old world came close to being the full package. Maybe some models had better parts, but they would severely lose in almost every other category against you."

She still wouldn't look at him, mumbling into her pillow with bright red cheeks and ears. "Name them all. Praise me, HikiNEET."

Kazuma wondered if all deities had the innate desire to be worshipped or whether it had been his dumb luck to stumble over the most vain from the bunch. He decided to indulge her wish and simultaneously profit from it as well.

What better way to showcase what he meant than to adopt a hands-on approach?

His left hand touched Aqua's back to slowly slide under her armpit towards the front, squeezing gently as soon as he touched the soft tissue of her boob. "Your breasts are perfectly shaped with adorable pinkish areolas and perky nipples. Don't question how I know this. You have a very loose dress code when drunk."

The goddess shuddered as his fingers started playing with the sensitive nub and her breath hitched as the other hand grabbed her butt. "Your ass is firm and has the right amount of jiggle, which in part is only possible because of your silky smooth skin. In fact, I would say your skin is near flawless with no visible blemishes and impurities."

The hands kept rubbing and squeezing while his nose buried in her neck to take a deep breath. "Luscious, fragrant hair in a vibrant blue color, framing an aesthetically pleasing face capable of a drop dead gorgeous smile."

His lustful administrations stopped as quickly as they had started. "Aqua, you have your deficits, but your looks were never one of them. You are a beautiful woman."

A swift kick to the chest toppled him over on his back.

When he tried to get up angrily she already sat on his lap facing him, the towel around her body gone and discarded on the hotel floor. Warm wetness dampened his shirt where her crotch connected with Kazuma's abdomen and he doubted massage oil had found its way all the way down there.

"If you feel like this, why are you holding back? Why did you never do anything?" Aqua asked visibly upset and sealed his lips with a kiss before he could answer.

Her fingers curled in his hair as their tongues tussled, Kazuma's mind getting muddled from having a naked girl writhing against him. His fingers found back to her behind, grabbing on for dear life to control her gyrating hips. Loss of balance forced them to change position and Aqua ending up lying beneath him with a flushed face, panting heavily which emphasized the erect nipples on her heaving chest.

This was it.

The time had finally come to cash in his V-card.

"_Great isn't it? I can't wait to see how you fuck this up, idiot."_

Cold dread filled Kazuma from this thing speaking from inside his head.

"_You always fuck up, dummy. Back then with the succubus you got cold feet too."_

A familiar inner voice. Something he hadn't heard since coming to this world.

_"Is all your blustering and confidence only skin deep? Stop wasting time and get on with it, you indecisive asshole!"_

Unmeasurable anger at himself welled inside the young man. Stupid mind goblins wouldn't determine his life and actions like they've done back on earth. Those doubts and insecurities died with the old Kazuma twice already!

"_A paper-thin facade of bravado…"_

Now he was powerful! Now he was rich! Now he could have everything!

"_...ripped and wrinkled by the slightest disturbance..."_

Nobody could take that away from him.

"_...so fleeting and fragile."_

"Kazuma…" Aqua shuddered under his intense gaze, spreading herself open and showing him all of her.

"That's a pretty pink…"

Aqua giggled, visibly amused by his frazzled behavior. The sound helped the young man to power through his hesitation and continue his massage at her front. Hands on her breast and mouth on her lips, Kazuma reveled in kissing and fondling the quivering goddess beneath him.

Her knees squeezed under him to push him away once again, only this time one of her legs instantly followed up to rub against the bulge in his pants. Skillfully, her toes hooked in at the waistband and pulled his pants down along with his underwear, revealing the raging erection beneath standing attention.

Aqua stared silently at his engorged and most private part. Under this much scrutiny, Kazuma couldn't help but feel self-conscious about how he compared to other guys. A laugh at this point would shatter his male pride to pieces and Aqua wasn't known for holding back.

Then, as if Aqua had felt his insecurity, she licked her lips. "Little Kazuma passes the test of his goddess. Don't you feel honoured to be deemed worthy?"

Her comment was playful without malice, the usual banter between them he answered with his own blend of cynicism and rudeness. Unfortunately, she had chosen to challenge him in the form of a question and any answer had to be truthful.

"I am. I'm not good enough for anybody."

The big, catlike grin dropped from her face and the smoldering hot atmosphere turned cold like a dead fish. It didn't help that both parties involved were surprised by the answer. On the contrary, the gobsmacked expression on his face added its own layer of frustration.

"Why would you think you're not good enough?" Aqua asked, momentarily forgetting to be smug.

Kazuma just knelt there on her mattress, staring into space and scaring the piss out of the goddess. Answers forced by the truth enchantment were usually immediate, but this time the powers at work took their time.

The eventual reply came in a hoarse voice and dry tone. "Because I hate myself."

Sometimes, your feelings kept hidden deep enough to fool even yourself, which made their discovery a truly raw experience. And once out in the open, they would haunt him until he found a way to confront them. Which wasn't tonight, evident by him putting back his pants and turning to leave.

Aqua had managed to achieve her deepest wish by pure accident. After hundreds of lost arguments against the infuriating shut-in, the goddess finally had come out on top and the sweet victory tasted like ash in her mouth. None of her words seemed to ever have any lasting effect on him. Even the worst she'd ever been to Kazuma, their introduction after his death and a level she never again dared to approach, he took in stride and retaliated instantly. The Kazuma Satou she got to know was a petty, vengeful and vindictive man, never letting any slight against him lying down.

She hated this feeling of being witness to an unmovable rock suddenly crumble away under her influence, the HikiNEET she knew becoming undone at the seams.

The urge to stop him forced her hand around his wrist. "You're not going anywhere until I say so."

"Just give me a break for once. I know you enjoy my misery but…"

The goddess draped herself over him from behind, pressing her naked body against his back. It was the duty of a shepherd to look after her flock, especially lost lambs like Kazuma who needed her divine guidance. That's the story she would use if somebody asked what was wrong with her head for choosing him.

The truth was much simpler.

"Hey Kazuma, do you love me?"

"Yes."

"More than the others?"

"I don't know."

Aqua hid her frown by burying her face in his back. "Stay tonight and keep me warm."

They wordlessly laid down in her bed, she spooning him from behind and softly peppering his neck with kisses until he had fallen asleep. He didn't question her actions, because the half-devil was simply too tired and drained.

Aqua's mind wouldn't even let her think about sleep. It was too occupied with processing everything that happened tonight to form a new battle plan. She would tolerate sharing a space in his heart with the other girls, but this didn't mean she would accept anything less than the largest part, fitting for a goddess of her stature.

With that thought deeply ingrained in her mind, Aqua's arms slid around her sleeping champion and down in his pants to take care of a very stiff problem.

"Sweet dreams HikiNEET…"

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

The following morning was much less awkward than expected, despite him waking up with Aqua's hands around his dick and she drooling on his shoulder. His goddess was a notorious heavy sleeper and wouldn't wake up until late afternoon at the earliest.

This suited Kazuma just fine.

After a hearty breakfast and some almost breaking of each other's bones, the three remaining girls of his party finally could settle for the order of their favors. It was mostly the two crimson demons fighting for first dibs. Yunyun would get her shopping trip with him through Arcanretia from morning till afternoon and Megumin the rest of the day for her explosion walk.

The nature of Darkness's request put her at last for the next day, since visiting her father would be more involved and time consuming. The tall blonde didn't mind much, because her attention was currently focused on the thief locked up in her room.

She had a lot to talk about with her first friend, so Kazuma wouldn't get an opportunity to clear things up with the undercover goddess until later anyway. He was dying to finally settle this matter with Eris, but mending bridges between the two girls took precedence.

He was looking forward to a nice and relaxing trip through the city with Yunyun. From all of his female companions, the shy crimson demon with the big heart and even bigger boobs was always like a calming balm for his nerves.

And she was already waiting outside, still wearing his green tracksuit. Clothes shopping for her would have been on the list regardless of her demand. Yunyun wore this tracksuit since he gifted it to her, only taking it off to bathe and wash the clothes. It suited her though, although the upper part hadn't been made to cover a chest as big as hers.

Various shops and stores later, the cute duckling had transformed into a gorgeous swan. After the multitude of reference material they've been through with the crystal ball, countless hours of anime, cartoons, TV-shows and even video games, Yunyun had chosen a deceptively plain outfit. An ensemble consisting of a white crop top, a black leather skirt and brown boots. A practical choice for an adventurer, but also insanely hot once you got down to the details.

The top showed a lot of midriff and clung to Yunyun like a second skin. The skirt was insanely short and incorporated suspenders to keep it from slipping, building another device to emphasize her breast as the straps slightly dug in their sides and pushed the bountiful pair together.

Only the bare legs and normal boots confused him.

"There's one shop left I want to visit, but men aren't allowed in there. Would you wait for me?"

Kazuma nodded and thought the whole way about what kind of store wouldn't allow access to men. His question was answered by the items displayed in the window. Yunyun blushed under the scrutinizing gaze of her companion towards the assortment of high-class dessous.

And suddenly he knew what her outfit was missing and why they were here. The clever girl knew what parts of her garnered the most attention and decided to capitalize on it.

"Black is your best color, in case you were wondering. God, those silk stockings to the left would make any guy swoon over your legs."

Another massive blush showed that the cute girl was still there beneath the mask. "Just… wait at the cafe over there and order something!"

As he had hoped, Yunyun was the perfect person to distract him from his worries. Deep personal discoveries didn't come without pressure and knowing what's the problem was only a small step to solving it. Not liking yourself wasn't a unique problem. Lots of people hated themselves and lived their life, so dealing with this would just be another thing on the pile.

Adapt and move on.

Getting sad doesn't change anything. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't change anything.

Kazuma spent his waiting time at a nearby cafe as ordered by his lovely date. The weather was nice and the tables outside naturally occupied, until some patrons recognized him and offered their seats. The blue Vergil outfit stood out among the crowd and every axis follower worth their salt had an interest in getting in the good graces of their pope.

"Your eminence!"

A group of six orcs called out for the attention of the half-devil. The six feet tall green brutes did a formal bow as a show of respect and the one in the most armor stepped forward. "Our freshly formed adventuring group would be honored to receive our first quest from the saint of monsters."

"_Another title for the list…"_ Kazuma thought with an eye roll and inspected the group. These monsters were wearing gear from pretty high level classes and Kazuma recognized the leader as a crusader. Two were in identical rogue leather armor and the remaining three wore robes for either mage classes or priests.

Asking him for work had become like a rite of passage among the monstrous adventuring folk and he indulged the bunch to keep them happy. He looked through his inventory for a certain scroll. The half-devil was a busy man nowadays and started to keep a todo list for keeping track of his tasks. A quick scan showed him the perfect chore he could pass on to those eager greenskins.

"A group of dryads has an interest in joining our city, but they don't trust any teleportation magic and their kind are very sought after as material for magic bows. Alone, they would get attacked along the way by human adventurers and carved out for loot. Somebody would have to escort them through the marches and ensure their safe arrival."

Long, tedious and not too hard. The right amount of challenge to test their mettle. The orcs seemed motivated as well, seeing it as something really important since it came from his personal scroll.

"How would they recognize us as your followers?"

"Asking the right questions, very good." Kazuma praised the leader and felt instantly very uncomfortable when the giant orc blushed like a schoolgirl. "Show them your adventurer cards as proof. Who else but us would grant non-humans job classes?"

They thanked him for the opportunity and ran with top speed towards the city exit, leaving Kazuma to ponder in what strange times they were living now.

Adventuring monsters was a bizarre concept but necessary. How else would it be possible to gather this many followers in such a short time? Many arrivals used the chance to become adventurers and escort missions were a natural byproduct of so many wanting to come here.

Most of Sylvia's forces worked now day and night to gather the scattered remains of the devil king army and other creatures willing to join. Convincing the local guild had been easy enough due to being run by mostly axis cult members. Casualties were minimal since no human party going after low level mobs expected to suddenly fight goblin clerics, troll druids and imp warlocks.

It's only logical when you think about examples from his environment. Wiz was a mage and became a lich. He was a lowly adventurer and became a devil. Why shouldn't a monster be able to become an adventurer?

He saw Yunyun approach his table with a large bag under her arm. Even from far away, Kazuma recognized the black stockings on her legs and smiled before frowning at a stray thought entering his mind. The thought had not much opportunity to fester before three figures blocked his sight from the young girl. These gentlemen seemed to have noticed her new outfit as well and tried their luck.

Curiosity about her reaction and the results of their labour took hold of him. There hadn't been any field test so far, but he liked what he was seeing from the crimson demon. Yunyun acted confident and level headed to their obvious advances, never allowing herself to get pressured into their rhythm. A dark shadow fell over Kazuma's face though when one of them touched her arm, his urges to kill rising in tandem with the bile in his throat.

Two seconds later they all hit the ground in a smoking heap, the prodigy mage casting a lightning spell quicker than human eyes could see. Pride for her pupil filled Kazuma, which she shared if her slow sauntering with a big smile was any indication.

Instead of using the opposing chair, Yunyun sat down on his lap. "You saw a defenseless little girl get harassed by those perverts and didn't step in?" She lifted her left leg from her sitting position to rub her shin against his neck, letting him feel the silkiness of the stocking. "Don't you care about me, Kazu?"

"Bitch, I've seen your adventurer card. You need nobody to fight for you."

She answered with a sharp knee against the chin. "Fuck you, a girl needs to feel special and appreciated from time to time!"

They stared at each other through a long silence, then started to laugh.

"Yunyun, that mask of yours is scary good! You even got me for a second and I know about it."

"So, how was our little date, sensei?"

The little minx had changed so much in a very short amount of time. All she needed was somebody to help her just a little bit to unlock her potential. Kazuma was grateful to have been that person, although something had to be said to ensure it stayed that way.

"I had fun today, but ultimately I have to deduct some points for your performance."

The mask of confidence slipped from her face and Yunyun became insecure again. "Why?"

He put his hand pointedly on her stocking clad thigh and pointed towards her bag with the other. "Are there any dessous in this bag which aren't exactly like the one you are wearing now?"

Yunyun shook her head.

"You only chose outfits that I would like," Kazuma stated and the girl nodded, earning a deep sigh from her teacher. "Yunyun, I'm flattered you value my opinion so much, but nothing will change if you only try to appease me. When I inevitably turn out to be a disappointment, you will be back to square one all over again."

"You will never let me down. Kazuma Satou isn't that kind of person."

Nobody in this world could convince her otherwise. Sitting here like that, bantering and laughing together with another person, would have been a pipe dream just a few weeks ago. People in her life had always either ignored her or exploited the girl's ignorance. Even her father, who loved her dearly, never had any expectations for his daughter.

Kazuma never doubted she could achieve her goals, but also never sugarcoated what she had to do for it. A single "I believe you can succeed if you really want to" in a sea of voices telling her to accept her place.

"Your faith in me is unwarranted," Kazuma said and took a bite of his dessert, a slice of apple pie with cream on top, only to drop his fork in shock when Yunyun suddenly pressed her lips against his.

She forcefully prodded for entrance and caused a giant mess due to his mouth being full of delicious food. Albeit more aggressive than the goddess, the girl in his lap had much less experience and showed it by the clumsy movement. It didn't lessen the sensual nature as she grabbed him by the hair while they shared the sweet treat between them, cream covered tongues rubbing against each other.

She released him from their kiss, licking off the filling which had spilled out on his chin. Her forehead pressed against his, planting a few more quick kisses on him between panting for air.

"I don't care if you don't share my belief in you. You taught me to be assertive to get what I want." She cupped his face with both hands. "And I want you, got it?"

"Understood..."

In one single swoop Yunyun had assured Kazuma that she would be ok. This was the intensity and confidence he was hoping to awaken in her, although he rather not have it directed at him through anger.

"Great to see we are on the same page, Kazu. Now kiss me again and put some effort into it!"


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Took me a lot longer than usual. Other things in my life keep me occupied at the moment, but I try to divert as much attention as possible towards this fic.**

**Have fun reading!**

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The time with Yunyun had ended at three pm on the dot thanks to a very eager archwizard, clawing him away with the fury of a possessive housecat. The makeout session with her rival had remained unnoticed to Kazuma's great relief. He wasn't sure how Megumin would have reacted to such a sight.

It would have involved a lot of property damage at the least.

Instead, the explosion fetishist had dragged him away without sparing another glance towards Yunyun, who had the smuggest grin imaginable on her face.

The two of them had gone outside of the city to prevent a panic while she argued he could do what he wanted as the city boss. Megumin as a whole was much more chipper since claiming the party leader for herself. The both of them haven't been on an explosion walk in a while and she proclaimed to milk this opportunity for all its worth.

"EXPLOSION, HA!"

"Try again you novice! Your expression, the pose and tone of voice is all wrong!"

Mostly through running Kazuma ragged through her incessant demand for perfection in terms of casting her signature spell. "This is my fifth rehearsal explosion. I eventually run out of juice too, you know?"

Megumin turned away with arms folded and pouting. "I won't join until you finally get it right. Unlike your overpowered ass, I get only one shot and won't waste it on a subpar performance."

He returned to going through the complicated poses with a sigh. "I can't believe you made me practise your silly routine for six hours. It's already pitch black!"

She watched his movements intently in the light of their small campfire, biting her lower lip in thought. It didn't take long until she broke the silence with a question. "When do I get my power up?"

Kazuma stopped his rehearsal and looked at her with a raised eyebrow, which infuriated his companion. "Stop staring and answer my question! Darkness and Aqua already got one, so where's mine?"

The first impulse of the half-devil was to scold the bratty loli-mage for her entitled attitude, but a gut feeling urged him to patience while she vented.

"Everyone's gotten so much stronger because of you, except me. You even helped Yunyun before me! Why am I last?"

The root of Megumin's frustration had revealed itself and wasn't as simple as her being bratty.

"Did poor little Yunyun tell the sob story where she had to eat her birthday cake all alone in her large house?" she asked in a bitter tone while staring in the campfire. "Do you know what I had for my birthday that same year? Crayfish from the local river and bread crusts I had to steal from school. My classmates were laughing for months about it behind my back!"

Her anger ran deeper than imagined. This was more than a simple rivalry. There was actual growing resentment for Yunyun, her village and the world as a whole. The expression on her face was hauntingly familiar to him. He had severely underestimated her situation because Megumin always seemed the most stable of the bunch besides her unnatural infatuation with explosion magic. Something he viewed as an extreme tick within an otherwise rational person.

This bitterness was a glimpse of something else entirely and he grabbed Megumin by the hand. "Let's do our combo explosion."

Of course, Megumin wouldn't miss the opportunity to cast her favourite spell even when her heart wasn't in it. The first stages of something vile had begun to fester inside of his party member and he would nip it in the bud before it truly took root and diminished her happiness.

A Megumin not enthusiastic about explosions was not Megumin at all.

Kazuma was by no means qualified to play shrink for this group of nutjobs. Hell, especially him, since he still had to get his own mindspace in order from yesterday.

Alas, there was nobody else to step up. "Follow my lead and respond with what feels natural."

"O.. Ok!"

The spectacle started with the ignition of his demonic blue aura, flames all around him as the magic circle formed under his feet. "My name is Kazuma, azure devil of the bottomless underworld!"

A lot of more mana than necessary poured into the spell by choice of its user to garner Megumin`s interest and as expected from a natural, she adapted to him instantly by releasing her own magical circle beneath her feet. "My name is Megumin, crimson demon of the blazing abyss!"

The performance continued, her reacting instantly to him and extending the lines.

"The fire of a loner burns in my soul!"

"The roar of my voice shatters all!"

Their movements synched up more and more until they seemed to move as one person.

"Devastation follows in my wake!"

"Earth and heaven shall quake!"

She instinctively seemed to know his intention before he even did anything.

"Nobody dares to challenge me!"

"My might is the last you will see!"

With a dramatic final pose, both pointed into the endless black sky before them to unleash hell.

"EXPLOSION!"

"EXPLOSION!"

Night turned to day with the synchronized release of their spells, an explosion large enough to see from space and introduce the world to the nuclear age.

Kazuma would have to come up with a whole new scale to rate this masterpiece and although the sight was undoubtedly breathtaking, Megumin's eyes were solely glued to her feet with a gobsmacked expression.

"I'm standing…" Megumin whispered astonished, doing small hops in place to test the strength of her legs.

In stark contrast to the chipper archmage, Kazuma felt the immense drain on his body. He put two and two together when the sum of lost mana came to almost twice the calculated amount. Megumin was using his power to fuel her spell and he couldn't shake the feeling her recent change of ownership to him had something to do with it.

Contracts, devils and all that.

"Looks like becoming my property has at least one benefit for you, but please be mindful with my energy. I still have limits and don't really want to find out where they are."

Even without the fact she still could stand on two legs, Megumin would have been able to tell something was out of the ordinary during her casting and after releasing the spell. Getting mana from external forces wasn't a foreign concept in this world. People used magical crystals and other items like potions to regain their magical power. A little more special were skills that allowed to get mana directly from other beings. Drain touch came to mind, a specialized lich skill capable of sucking out the life force from the living.

Whatever she had gotten from their party leader was beyond comparison to any of those methods. Using Kazuma's mana was an indescribable rush and swell of energy down to the tips of her hair. She felt Kazuma in that spell, molding a part of him and herself to create something more beyond the sum. In the moment of merging their essence together, Megumin was sure to know him better than anyone else in this world as if two souls had become one.

"Did you plan this when you bought me from my parents?"

"You all give me way too much credit lately, for real."

He sat down to rummage through the nearby picnic basket under her watchful eyes and grabbed a sandwich with some water. Suddenly his stomach was rumbling from hunger and his throat became dry as a desert. Gulping down the bottle in one go, he took a greedy bite from the elaborately made snack.

Going back into the city was forgotten in favor of sitting around the fire and enjoying a late evening meal under the night sky. "I didn't give Darkness a sword out of noble intentions. My frustration of her not being able to hit stuff reached its boiling point and something had to be done. Aqua getting more powerful is actually a huge headache for me. Can you imagine how much more difficult it will be to keep her in check?"

Megumin's eyes turned to slits, waiting for an explanation for the last person, the one she had the most gripes with at the moment.

"Yunyun…" he took another bite to stall for time and gather his thoughts. "She reminds me more of myself than I want to admit. Maybe I'm trying to erase my shortcomings by helping someone overcome theirs. It sounds petty enough to be something I would do."

Megumin interrupted his rambling by plopping down on his lap, a very popular spot lately if his memory wasn't failing him.

"You always expect the worst, even from yourself."

She seems to be somewhat mollified, despite her scolding tone and wrong assumptions about his character.

Very wrong assumptions.

He was as good as his new powers allowed him to be. In any other circumstance something like the past few days never could have happened in a million years. The fear of losing power and freedom drove him to action, not helping others for noble reasons.

"I don't trust me to do my best. There's a difference."

She leaned against him and took a bite from the sandwich in his hand with remarkable speed. The smell of cinnamon, ozone and cinder entered his nostrils. Focusing on her soothing fragrance, Kazuma rested his chin on her head while she chewed with satisfaction.

"Want to watch something while we eat?" he asked and produced the black crystal from his inventory. "The world is your oyster and this baby contains an endless stream of entertainment!"

Kazuma pondered what kind of exciting stuff from his world she would want to experience. An action movie? Anime? A documentation about the atom bomb? So many choices to impress and dazzle his party member with technological advanced entertainment.

"Show me something from your old life."

Kazuma was taken back by her request. He knew they were curious about his life on occasion, but they had literally the world at their fingertips and she wanted to see something from his small and insignificant part in it. Megumin noticed his apprehension and waited patiently until he would decide to show something worthwhile. The amount of time it took for his thinking to seize weighed heavy on her mood.

"I don't really have any good memories. I could show you some of my misfortune if you want a good laugh at my expense."

"No!" Megumin shook her head violently and grabbed his knees she used as armrests hard enough to make her fingers shake. "I just would like to know more about you and where you came from!"

The pained expression on his face changed to genuine confusion. "You all have already seen more of me than anyone from my old life. I used to avoid human contact. HikiNEET remember?"

For the upteempth time since she learned about the word, Megumin thought about what the slur Aqua kept throwing around to insult Kazuma meant. The general description of their archpriest for a HikiNEET was a lazy, friendless loser without any worthwhile qualities, who locks himself in from the real world to avoid responsibility.

This description had always rubbed Megumin the wrong way. Kazuma certainly could be lazy and unmotivated, but for a person with his diverse skills existed a multitude of paths to choose besides adventurer to earn an easy living. He was the most level headed and competent to come up with a plan to use their limited area of expertise to form a coherent party.

Despite that, Aqua kept calling him a HikiNEET.

What kind of life did their party leader have in his old homeland?

Why did he come here?

Why did he change so much if Aqua could be believed?

Questions upon questions stacked on top of each other inside Megumin's head, until one question in particular crystallized at the forefront as the most important.

"Would you ever go back?"

Kazuma wasn't sure about many things in his life, but this he knew without doubt and thus there was no hesitation in his reply. "Back to my old world or back to being a loner? Both get a definite and resounding no."

Naturally, Megumin latched on to a certain nugget of information in his answer. "Old world?"

Somewhere along dying a second time, losing half of his humanity and gaining the power of a devil, the truth about his origins had almost become an afterthought. He hid it at the beginning out of shame for his past self and failure to utilize his second chance. Now on his third try, there was no point in holding out on that piece of information.

"I came into this world by dying in mine like an idiot. The deal from heaven sounded really sweet at the time; get reincarnated in a new world to go on fun adventures and become a beloved hero. The only problem was their shitty blue-haired salesperson manning the desk."

Megumin remembered Kazumas's nightmare, especially the morbid scene of him lying in an open grave surrounded by mocking faces, and shuddered in discomfort. She couldn't be sure how much of those horror visions were true and what was exaggerated and couldn't bring herself to ask.

Kazuma was a lot more nonchalant. "As you can see, things didn't exactly turn out as Aqua advertised, although pretty much anything could be considered an improvement to the past. The Kazuma of that time and place was nothing. He did nothing, changed nothing, thought nothing and meant nothing to no one."

Megumin wanted to reprimand him for putting himself down, but everything she could think of would make his old life look appealing. She wouldn't risk the slightest chance her words would convince him to go back somehow.

A world without him was unfathomable.

They sat together in silence for what felt like hours, watching a random movie about people in powerful spandex fighting monsters and getting in a giant robot to fight a bigger monster.

"Are you happy, Kazuma?"

"I think so… but I'm also glad Aqua isn't here to verify."

It was definitely a better life than before and yet, the fact he couldn't say with certainty despite becoming this blessed worried him. Kazuma didn't consider himself a greedy person and yet there was still something missing.

"I am very happy." Megumin wrapped his arms around herself like a blanket, almost vanishing into his embrace. "I am happy to have left my village to walk the path of explosions. I am happy to be part of your adventuring group."

Even after several girls had already claimed his lips, the sudden kiss still managed to surprise him and make his heart skip a beat. Megumin didn't kiss seductively like Aqua or as possessive as Yunyun. A kiss from the archwizard was like herself, inexperienced and a little awkward while full of passion and vigor.

Against her honest advances he stood no chance and soon found himself lying on his back in the grass. Instead of stopping his fall, Kazuma used his arms to hug the girl who used his body as a mattress and lips as a chewing toy.

His heart swelled with love at the same rate as his cynical mind grew with worry. They all were getting impatient with him, getting more bold day by day to force a decision he couldn't even fathom to make. Real love was as alien a concept to him as quantum mechanics, always staying this elusive thing he simultaneously craved and didn't trust to last.

"I'm happy that you are still here, Kazuma."

"I am too."


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: This took me way longer than I wanted and I'm still not quite happy about the outcome. There will be conscious effort to be faster, but I can't promise anything.**

**Have fun reading and tell me what you think.**

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Dustiness Ford Lalatina had ample experience with negotiations as heir to one of the most influential noble families in the kingdom. Darkness the crusader on the other hand, usually avoided to make use of her aristocratic skills, but she really needed every ounce of knowhow to preside over the unfolding confrontation between two of her most important persons.

Her hotel room would be the verbal battleground between the man for whom she carried the biggest torch imaginable, and the goddess Eris in disguise who had come down from the heavenly realm to become her first friend Chris. The atmosphere could be described as frosty, reaching further below zero as the half-devil and deity stared each other down from across the table.

"Let me extend my sincerest thanks to the two parties involved for agreeing to this meeting and accepting me as neutral mediator," Darkness said in a formal tone, her upbringing as noble dictating to be courteous and professional during important talks.

Sadly, none of the participating parties shared their belief.

First of all Eris, who couldn't hide her disapproval. "I didn't have much choice in the matter as your prisoner. We had to wait until two in the morning for this guy to come back."

Darkness cringed at the obvious venom in Kazuma's voice when he replied to the goddess. "I already apologized for being late and promised it won't happen again. My word still means something in contrast to a certain someone who employs fanatic thugs and gullible idiots with big swords to browbeat others into submission."

Their party leader could be a kind and forgiving man in the right circumstance, but one glance told the crusader everything she needed to know about his current mindset. Eris wouldn't even get an attempt to be courteous from him

"I did no such thing and you know that," Eris said and earned herself an exaggerated eye roll from the half-devil. "Besides, perverting the teachings of a whole religion and arming dangerous monsters with adventurer cards makes you far worse than any made-up failings of mine."

Barely minutes in, Kazuma already looked tired of this argument. "The devil king is defeated and under house arrest in his castle. What point is there to keep going? Why slaughter peaceful creatures for experience points? For what end?"

Eris picked up on his frustration and tried to pick his argument apart. "The gods aren't your enemy. We safeguard this world from evil influence and support the mortals of this realm. Good behaviour is rewarded just as much as bad behavior is corrected and Darkness can vouch for that. She found her way to your party only through my intervention."

It was the first time Kazuma stopped short and had to think about his answer. He looked at his crusader and their eyes met. The sudden attention made Darkness self-conscious about her state of dress. Her armor was perfectly suitable for a formal meeting but not really suited to catch the eye of the opposite sex.

"_Although, he seemed to be very interested in the black bodysuit underneath on the few occasions my armor had been stripped away… I still feel his predatory gaze over my defenseless body stretching the thin material to the breaking point… a bit more tension and the fabric could tear... maybe he wants to rip it off me himself… "_

Kazuma recognized the signs of his party member mentally checking out to fantasize about whatever her hopeless mind could dream up."I agree, making us meet is one thing I can be thankful to you."

Darkness was embarrassed how emotional she became by his simple statement and Eris visibly sighed in relief to have found a crack in his defense.

Cracks the jaded half-devil immediately filled with several tons of emotional concrete. "Let me ask though, where were you in the months before arranging that meeting? Where were you when Aqua and I struggled in poverty? Where was divine intervention when we both slept in hay filled with manure under a leaky roof?"

The question was purely rhetorical since nobody up there gave a damn and the sudden influx of divine interaction only came from them upsetting their status quo.

"People believe they have this moment of total clarity in their last moments. Dying didn't bring any groundbreaking wisdom for me and I was even more clueless in my second life. Turns out the third time's the charm in my case. Ever since waking up with devil blood in my veins, I finally have the tools to forge my own happiness. Any consequences born from this freedom is a fair price, so your divine buddies can fuck off with their good samaritan act."

Eris had heard enough and stood up, both hands on the table with gritted teeth. "If you don't care about yourself, then think about Aqua! You are squandering her only chance of returning home!"

The loss of composure earned Eris a very sharp look. "Where is this sudden compassion for your senpai coming from? Heaven threw Aqua down here with me without batting an eye!"

Eris became very quiet.

"Come to think of it, doesn't she count as a heavenly gift? Isn't such a gift in the hands of a devil the ultimate misuse? Isn't that the perfect excuse to reveal yourself to Aqua and bring her back from the clutches of the evil Scumzuma?"

The eyes full of vigor suddenly couldn't look at him anymore. "I think you made your point…"

The lack of answers was all the answers he needed. A theory became certainty in one moment of clarity. "There's nothing keeping them from taking her back, isn't there?"

"Please stop…" Eris tried to look away, but Kazuma grabbed the goddess firmly by the chin to reestablish eye contact for his last point.

"They wanted to get rid of her. I was just a convenient excuse to pull the trigger."

Kazuma's statement with no ambiguity or doubt in his voice shattered composure to pieces. The simple truth put out in the open broke her and revealed the cracks, emotions deeply buried forcing their way to the surface as tears ran down her face and wetting his hand. All strength left her body with this outburst and she collapsed into his chest. Frustration rang in every word while Eris weakly hit him with the ferocity of a tired kitten.

Gender equality aside, seeing a cute girl like Eris cry bothered Kazuma on a basic level and enough to give the poor thing a hug. "You care about your senpai very much, don't you?"

She mumbled her answer into his shirt. "I'm on my knees up there every day, begging them to give Aqua another chance. Instead they sent her on a fool's errand and forbid anyone to help. It's a wasted effort in their eyes to help a useless goddess."

Sound of shattering glass startled all three.

Kazuma's eyes widened in horror and he bolted outside the room. There he found the water goddess on her knees amidst the shards of a broken wine bottle, shaking and sobbing hysterically into the floor. His legs moved towards Aqua without thinking to throw his arms around her In a tight embrace.

"Kazuma?"

"Yes, I'm here."

Aqua tried to respond, but all her voice managed to do was more crying and sobbing until she uttered a sentence fragment that pulled at Kazuma's heartstrings.

"Don't throw me away…"

"Shh, it's ok!" he cooed into her ear in a desperate attempt to calm the water goddess. The middle of a hallway wasn't the best place for comfort, so he unceremoniously picked the goddess off the floor and carried her bridal style. She kept sobbing into his chest the whole way towards her hotel room. Several attempts to put her down on the bed failed when Aqua wouldn't let go and he had to lay down with the clingy girl.

As heartbreaking her distress was for him, he found solace in the knowledge that her grief would only be temporary due to her drinking habits. He knew Aqua well enough to recognize his goddess had long passed the blood alcohol threshold where she would remember anything after waking up sober tomorrow. Maybe he would approach the topic in the future more gently and try to soften the mental blow, if Kazuma ever found a way to make this revelation less painful.

Their situations were similar yet very different, because Aqua had it so much worse and he could admit that without any doubt. They both were unwanted by their former peers, but Kazuma couldn't remember anyone actively trying to get rid of him. As disappointed and uninterested his family had become in him at the end, none of them would ever hurt him out of malicious intent. It's the difference between ignoring someone about to fall off a cliff and pushing them down with a kick to the back.

These were the thoughts going in circles inside Kazuma's head while he spooned the whimpering girl and stroked her hair.

"Don't leave me…" Aqua grabbed his arms and wrapped them around her trembling form.

"I won't."

"Promise me..."

He parted her long blue hair at the back to get access to her neck with his lips. "I swear on my own grave. You know I can't lie."

"Yes, you can't… you never lie to me… " She took his left hand with hers and put it on her chest while the other fondled the building bulge at his crotch. "Kazuma… I love you… please love me back… nobody else does..."

Aqua had put him in a tricky situation with her sudden advances and profession of affection. Obviously she needed comfort and it was obviously seven flavors of scummy to have sex with a vulnerable and intoxicated girl, who wouldn't even remember in the morning.

He stopped her delicate hand which had found its way into his pants, pulling it out and giving the back a gentle kiss. "Tonight is not about me. Prepare yourself to be pampered, goddess."

Returning the favor from last night was the furthest he would be willing to go for relieving her tension and stress.

A hand for a hand in the crudest sense of the word.

She showed him a genuine bright smile and untensed, eagerly awaiting what Kazuma had planned. A few flicks of the wrist later her perky bust quilled out from the unbuttoned shirt and once again illustrated how bras weren't a widespread thing in this world.

"You have beautiful breasts." Gently cupping one of the generous mounds in his palm, thumb and index finger reached for her erect nipple to roll it between them. "All of you is beautiful. That hasn't changed since yesterday."

Kazuma stopped his praise and let actions speak, assaulting the silky smooth skin on her neck with kisses and lovebites. The stimulation from his fondling was welcomed, albeit not satisfying enough in her current state. Soon Aqua needily whined for attention elsewhere, signalling her desire by squirming in his embrace and rubbing her thighs together as if she tried to ignite a fire with friction.

"Touch me down there…"

Aqua had the habit to forgo wearing panties despite them being readily available. She wore underwear on occasion during quests when Kazuma could summon the energy for debating the matter, but most of the time the blue goddess went commando. This, combined with their close living arrangements, had the interesting side effect of him having seen glimpses of her privates on a regular basis. Regardless of his familiarity, seeing Aqua's legs part and allowing him access to her shaven honeypot had the expected outcome.

Complete and utter nervousness.

There was no experience guiding his shaking hands beyond referencial material from real and animated porn. As such, his calloused fingertips slid tentatively into the valley between her legs, coming to a stop over a slight elevation and making Aqua take a sudden intake of breath on contact.

"I want you inside..." her hand grabbed his wrist and pulled, until warmth and wetness enveloped his index and middle finger. "Start moving and don't stop until I'm finished."

He fulfilled her wish and had to shut Aqua up with a kiss or risk waking up every single person staying at their hotel with her moaning. Entangled in a heap of naked limbs he stroked his goddess into a quivering, panting mess.

" Kazuma... "

Yes, the goddess writhing under his caress definetly belonged to him with every fiber.

"Kazuma!"

Only he would end up with her as deity of choice.

"KAZUMA!"

Aqua reaching a sexual climax by his hand and basking in her afterglow was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen. The disheveled hair flowed down her naked body like blue silk as a small sheen of sweat made her body glisten. She stared at him with a flushed face, calling his name with fondness between deep breaths.

"Hold me…"

He did as ordered, cuddling the drowsy goddess until she drifted into a deep sleep fueled by alcohol and exhaustion. He tucked the soundly sleeping beauty in with a kiss on the forehead and thoughts of tomorrow. She wouldn't remember anything from tonight, being blissfully unaware of her status as an abandoned deity. Kazuma would remember for both of them, fueling his decisions with every last bit.

Spite was as powerful of a motivator than love.

Darkness and Eris stood in the door as he exited the hotel room, Eris beet red with her mouth agape and Darkness eerily silent as he passed them both.

He addressed them both and started with the blushing goddess of luck. "She's too drunk to remember anything about tonight. Spend some time with Aqua tomorrow, would you? Do it for her sake."

Eris nodded, unable to look him in the eyes, which he didn't notice because Kazuma was solely focused on the stoic crusader staring into space.

"I haven't forgotten my promise to visit your home." He put his hand on her shoulder . "We can leave right after a good night's rest and breakfast."

"Great…" Darkness replied, making sure to look straight ahead and avoid eye contact as well.

Kazuma took the hint and turned to leave towards his room. "Now if you would excuse me, I have to take care of something important and don't want to be disturbed for the next twenty minutes."

Eris waited until Darkness and her were the only one remaining in the hotel room. The aura surrounding her friend worried the goddess. Darkness just stood there like a statue, glaring at the closed door of Aqua's room as if she wanted to ignite it by sheer willpower.

"Are you alright, Darkness?"

A stupid quesiton, but she had to ask something.

"The man I love reassured me with a hand that had been knuckle-deep inside another woman to soothe her emotional pain." Darkness's hand gripped the wet spot on her shoulder hard enough to dent the armored shoulder pad. "Now he's in his room masturbating to the image of said woman."

She hit the wall with her shaking fist and put a dent in it. "This type of emotional abuse and neglect would usually arouse me beyond comprehension, but all I feel is unending jealousy."

Eris and Darkness were startled by the voice of Yunyun just around the corner. "The bond they share is something any woman will have to accept when getting involved with Kazu. At this point, him and Aqua are a packaged deal. "

Both turned the corner and saw the two crimson demon girls sit against the wall, legs tucked up and staring pensively into nothing.

"Anyone open to join forces and be done with this?" Megumin asked and earned two intrigued looks from her party members and a nervous eye twitch from Eris. "We all know Kazuma is too much of a coward to choose and make three of us angry. I don't want to waste anymore time fighting a pointless battle and get to the good parts of this relationship thingy."

Yunyun leaned against her childhood friend with a smile. "Fine with me. Remember, I was the first one to propose sharing back when you passed out in the hotspring. I'm still miffed you used the confusion during the succubus hunt to bathe with Kazuma."

"You intend to share him among you? How's that going to work?"

Awkward silence ensued in the hallway after Eris posed the simple question. Saying you want to share the man you desire was a long way away from actually doing it. Each of them couldn't even begin to imagine what such an arrangement would look like in practice.

"We can negotiate the exact details later," Megumin said dismissively under the raised eyebrows of her companions. "How about it, Darkness? Are you in or out?"

Darkness stared at the archwizard with a piercing gaze, making the smaller girl sweat under the intensity. When she spoke, the voice of the crusader was firm and resolute. "Under one condition. I won't be satisfied until he treats me with the same love and care that Aqua received tonight. My family manor will be the chosen battlefield for this task and I demand your noninterference during his stay in my home."

Yunun and Megumin contemplated her request carefully, grinding their jaws as they thought until both finally gave a curt nod to the utter bafflement of the goddess in their midst. The rules of engagement had fundamentally changed and Eris hadn't even understood the previous ones.


	19. Chapter 19

The Dustiness Estate was in all intents and purposes the stereotypical noble home, down to the lavish fountain, neatly trimmed hedges and a multitude of marble statues. Two figures stood in front of the entrance to the large private property, one closely familiar with the premise as their home and the other completely spellbound by its splendor.

"You weren't kidding when you said you come from money, Lalatina."

Darkness threw nervous glances at Kazuma while he kept looking at the large front gate with interest. On the short trip to her family home, she had confided in him about her real identity as high-ranking noble and got not much more than a lukewarm reaction. The most was a chuckle at her embarrassing name and his childish insistence to keep using it from now on.

"Aren't you angry with me for keeping my heritage a secret?"

"Not really," Kazuma replied and stroked his chin in thought. "We would have exploited your wealth and influence. I understand why you didn't trust us. "

Her reasoning spelled out in such bluntness made the crusader embarrassed. She truly didn't want the dynamic within their party to change and rather be seen as the masochistic meatshield than the important noble lady. Only the threat of losing Kazuma to the other girls made her consider coming clean, presenting herself fully to him in body and soul in hope for the best.

So far, her target of affection took the news rather well.

"Megumin and Yunyun shouldn't hold a grudge either. I can't speak for Aqua being cool with all this, because she's very spoiled and petty when it comes to missing out on luxury. Maybe buy her a bottle of her favourite bubbly as peace offering."

The mere mention of the blue-haired goddess made Darkness very annoyed and reaffirmed her goal for this visit. Without making a move soon, her chance to strike would be gone and taken away by the competition. Every waking moment would be spent to make him realize her charms and qualities as a potential relationship partner.

"So… how do you want me to help with your father?"

The moment of truth was here and Darkness knew the best lies were the ones who contain large quantities of truth. Everything she would tell him right now was true, albeit a bit exaggerated for effect.

"There are certain expectations set upon a noble. My father indulges my exploits as an adventurer, but he expects me to eventually follow the path of my birthright."

Kazuma's expression turned sour. "Marrying into another influential family and pumping out babies to strengthen the social standing of your house?"

"Yes, actually…" she answered, simultaneously worried and ecstatic about his shift in mood. "My father already set up a date with my potential husband."

Lord Dustiness had arranged meetings with potential suitors for his daughter, that much was true, although nothing more than tentative attempts had been made to get Darkness hitched. The notion of him forcing anything on her was almost laughable. Any accommodation came from her own sense of responsibility to the family.

"You are here to show him that I'm already taken and play the part of my romantic interest."

Every ounce of willpower was needed to keep her blush at bay. Even a pretend relationship took a lot out of the sheltered noble girl, let alone a pretend relationship to get Kazuma comfortable with the idea of starting a real one.

"Is that why you went all out with the fancy clothes?" Kazuma asked while mustering the new attire of his companion.

Darkness had changed from her usual armor into something more fitting for the occasion. He had seen her wear non-combat clothing in the past, like her casual black outfit with tight fitting blouse, skirt and stockings which was incredibly stimulating in his honest opinion.

Her current outfit, while not comparable to this sexy teacher outfit, certainly had its own charms. The stout crusader had opted for a long and frilly dress in auburn tones with an unnecessary deep neckline showing a lot of cleavage. Instead of her trademark ponytail, Darkness wore her hair open under an elaborate sunhat in matching colors to her dress.

The girl looked like she'd fallen out of a portal from the Victorian age and felt self-conscious for wearing this type of high-society clothing in front of Kazuma.

"Do I look weird?"

"No, you look stunning, Lalatina."

Warm shivers ran down her spine from hearing her real name. Uttered by him in a casual way with that smug smile summoned the butterflies in her stomach. She wanted to thoroughly explore those feelings in the days to come within the safe confines of her home.

"I usually hate people using my name, but you can call me Lalatina here to avoid raising suspicion with my father."

"Sure, it's a cute name."

The blush finally won and reached all the way up to her ears as they entered the premise.

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

The Dustiness mansion was even more lavishly decorated on the inside. You could see and hear the hustle and bustle of the hired help, maids and butlers bending over backwards to finalize the preparations for the arrival of Lord Dustiness's daughter. One of them, the archetypical butler with grey hair and immaculately trimmed beard, announced their entry to the meeting room.

"Introducing Lady Dustiness Ford Lalatina and her companion Kazuma Satou."

Lord Dustiness matched the splendor of his estate as the cliche of a noble from any rpg Kazuma ever played. The blonde and blue-eyed gentleman in his later years radiated nobility like high-class uranium, down to the perfect poise in his seat. They sat down on the large couch at his opposite and had tea served before their butt hit the cushion.

"I'm grateful your lordship allowed me to accompany Lalatina and welcome me into his home."

Darkness raised an eyebrow at the drastic change of tone, but her father seemed to be pleased. "The pleasure is all mine mr. Satou. Anything so I finally can meet the man my daughter can't stop talking and writing about."

"Father!"

A composed, level-headed chuckle came from the nobleman. "No need to get all shy. I'm naturally interested in the man who has caught your fancy." Lord Dustiness said with a smile, until his voice shifted to a more formal tone. "Although you failed to mention he was the spiritual leader of the axis faith."

Kazuma stiffened from that new nugget of information. It had to happen eventually and now he could be sure his name was finally out there, putting him on the world stage for all to witness. The omission of Aqua meant the goddess herself wasn't unveiled to the public as of yet.

A deity walking among mortals would have made headlines by now.

"Oh please your lordship, I barely hold the title for a week and just try to do my part."

The man was guarded in a non-hostile way, hiding his worries and preservations in a cloud of pleasantries. "Humility isn't something you usually associate with the axis church. Our family is a devout believer in the teachings of goddess Eris and I must admit the news of my daughter traveling with representatives of her rival faith made me nervous."

"The embrace of goddess Aqua welcomes all. As such, there are a multitude hurdles to overcome in integrating all the lost lambs."

Darkness was impressed by how easily Kazuma could change his manners. Despite his self-proclaimed title as shut-in, he could blend in with almost any social group without much effort. A fact that made it so strange he wasn't using this talent more often. Most of the time he didn't bother with pleasantries when there was nothing to gain or the person already knew his true character.

Today he went all out to make a good impression on her father. The way he walked, talked and carried himself oozed formality and proper procedure. Even Darkness was a bit intimidated and sat more straight beside him.

"I hope your lordship forgives my rudeness when I get straight to the point of my visit."

Sweat started to build on Darkness's forehead since this wasn't part of the plan in any shape or form. The solution for this fake problem should have been to broach the topic of their relationship slowly over the complete duration of their stay. Now he was figuratively kicking in the door.

"I'm asking for your blessing to make Lalatina my wife."

A visible crack appeared in the agreeable exterior of the nobleman. "What do you hope to achieve by marrying my daughter?"

Rich or poor, any concerned father would ask the motives of a man who wants to marry his little girl. A man she for all intents and purposes barely knows and potentially just took advantage of her title.

"I wasn't aware of her status of noble until recently. It changes little about my feelings for the woman I love." Kazuma decided then and there, that proper conduct would get him nowhere. The only way to confront a concerned parent was to go straight for the jugular by addressing his unspoken accusation. "I have more money than any person can ever hope to spend and marrying a simple noble girl pales in comparison to becoming the head of a world religion. I have nothing to gain from this besides our shared happiness."

Father and daughter relaxed in their seat for very different reasons.

Lord Dustiness even cracked a smile. "Then what made you so interested in my Lalatina?"

The young man took the hand of Darkness and the young girl's heart fluttered from the gentle look she received from her crush.

"Her amazing boobs."

The sound of breaking bones rang through the room as his hand got crushed in the ironclad grip of his furious crusader and Kazuma kept smiling at the disturbed father. "It would be disingenuous to pretend my first interest wasn't superficial. It's no exaggeration when I say how beautiful and bodily gifted your daughter is."

The maddening sound of grounding flesh stopped. No ounce of falsehood came over Kazuma's lips as he remembered how they first met in the Axel guildhall so many months ago. Kazuma used his battered hand to intertwine his broken fingers with Darkness.

"The alluring packaging caught my eye but I stayed for the content. My trusty crusader never gives up and always stays true to herself no matter the consequence. She's loyal, kind and honest to a fault, everything I'm not and might never be. Simply being with her makes me a better person."

Silence reigned among the Dustiness family and their head butler chose this opportunity to whisper something in his lord's ear.

"It appears I have other matters to attend. I would like to continue this conversation tomorrow, if you would accept our hospitality."

"Of course, your lordship."

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

Darkness hadn't spoken with him since the meeting with her father concluded. It had fallen to one of the maids to show him around the mansion and prepare his room for the night.

There was no doubt in his mind he would have taken advantage of Darkness if her financial situation had come up earlier. Not entirely free of this bad habit now either, the young half-devil got drawn a bath by the maid and as a full-blooded japanese he couldn't let this opportunity go to waste. The massive room with a pool-sized bathtub made the luxurious amenities in his mansion look sparse.

He congratulated himself for a job well while sinking into the hot water with bliss. "I think that went rather well."

"You are the only one that thinks that."

Two sides raged war inside the young man's head after hearing the voice of his companion, the side screaming at him to turn around winning by a hair against the one fearing retribution for staring. Darkness had chosen a similar get up than Aqua for entering the bath, with only a towel concealing her naked body. A most unfruitful task since no towel in this world could be big enough to contain those curves.

Where Aqua was fittingly cut like the statue of a Greek goddess, Darkness rocked the body type of an amazon with ludicrous proportions straight out of the 80s and their exaggerated beauty standards.

She was a tall blonde with ridiculous large and firm boobs, wide hips and thin waist that couldn't exist in his old world without copious amounts of plastic. Even an artificial rack that large would usually sag quite a bit but her pair of natural mammaries defied gravity itself.

Who could blame him for being focused so much on something so magnificent?

"Turn around and stop staring so much…"

Her tone betrayed her true feelings. Being ogled and adored by Kazuma made Darkness feel squeamish and bothered in all the right ways. The obvious desire for her and the bluntness of his intentions always fascinated her about their party leader. So, his complying with her request and turning around came with a large amount of disappointment.

"Why are you here in the first place?" he asked with a shaky voice, ignoring the pitter patter of naked feet getting closer. "Your father has left for his important meeting, so we don't have to play the part of a couple if it's just the two of us."

"The maids might talk…" The blonde knelt down behind Kazuma and rubbed a washcloth along his back. "We have to be on guard."

"Right…" Kazuma replied cautiously as the woman washed him thoroughly, "I feared my approach was too blunt at the end, but honesty with a pinch of vague bullshit saved it pretty well. This talk with your father could even prove beneficial when we eventually divorce."

Darkness stopped scrubbing and tightened her grip on the washcloth strong enough to wring it bone dry. "Divorce?"

"Naturally, should you want out of the charade, simply accuse me of abuse and infidelity. After getting to know me today and my affiliation with the axis faith, he and the rest of the nobility won't question your claims."

"This would ruin your career… No… your whole life. You would lose everything!"

"Public opinion never mattered to me and I'm used to the role of outcast like a warm blanket. A fake marriage and subsequent separation is the best way to get the suitors off your back for many years."

The scary thing was how little doubt she had about him going through with this crazy idea. He would do it for her without a second thought and her heart ached from fondness and pain.

"What if I don't want it to be fake? Why can't it be real?"

He didn't dare to turn around, because his busty companion had definitely gotten rid of the towel, demonstrated by the feeling of naked breasts lathered with soap rubbing his back in circling motion. Kazuma wasn't the only one who was nervous and aroused at the same time, noticeable by the diamond hard nipples poking him.

"The front needs washing too.." Trembling hands reached around and found the stiff evidence of her effect on him between his legs. It was her first time touching a male so intimately and it showed by her awkward pumping motion.

"Stop…"

"Why? Am I not desirable?"

Kazuma turned around with a serious expression and tried to ignore the sight of a gorgeous naked woman before him. "I believe it's blindingly obvious how clueless I am when it comes to women. You think I'm this outrageous pervert, but my type of pervertedness isn't that special. I'm tame compared to most other deviants from my home. There are real sickos who could make your wildest fantasies a reality."

The voice in his head had changed to shrieking his insecurities and shortcomings at him in deafening volume. All of his thoughts drowned in the cacophony of mockery and he soaked it up like a sponge with acceptance and agreed internally with a hollow smile. "You don't want me. You want the idea of me."

"CLUELESS ASSHOLE!"

The punch he received to the face was undoubtedly the most damage he'd taken thus far, and he included the two times he was impaled by huge swords. His devil-enhanced body ragdolled backwards and skipped three times on the water like a well-thrown stone. Smashing against the wall, Kazuma crumbled into a heap on the floor and was pinned down by Darkness before he could find his bearings again.

"YOU THINK I'M THAT EASY?"

The severity of the outburst showed the anger Darkness felt, since without his devil enhancement this would have killed him ten times over. Even the voice in his head stuttered in fear while it still tried to instill doubt and self-loathing, until it was silenced by Darkness giving Kazuma her first kiss.

No peck on the cheek this time, a full-blown smooch on the lips in an aggressive and demanding manner.

"Don't you think it would be easy for me to find somebody who would fulfill any request? I'm rich and powerful enough to have everything I want."

Deep down, her masochism manifested for the same reason as why she became an adventurer; a way to rebel against her boring and sheltered life. The status as noble heir made others protect and watch after her nonstop, so as a child, it was all about getting into danger to feel excitement.

The sexual aspect came much later with her blossoming into a woman. In fact, it only manifested in the current intensity since she met Kazuma. Before him, all the depraved scenarios she imagined were just that, figments of her imagination without any real possibility of actually happening. Furthermore, her mind turned to those old fantasies less and less, focusing instead all on their party leader in various scenes and she enjoyed the imaginations with a romantic theme the most.

"Kazuma, I only want you to explore those kinds of depraved depths with me. It has to be you, because you're the only man I love and trust to that extent."

She repeated the part that had him stumped. "I love you Kazuma Satou."

"I…"

She kissed the petrified half-devil again, a lot more gentle this time and he reciprocated in kind. In this perfect setup of warm lips melding together, Darkness had to admit something she rather not. Her honor dictated to come clean about the others before going further.

"We all love you in our own way, so we will figure something out to make this work."

Kazuma had become so much for each of them. He was their leader, champion, familiar, explosion connoisseur, chaperone, drinking buddy and councilor among dozens of other things. Darkness understood that for him to choose one title would mean robbing them of all the others and erasing what made him Kazuma.

The implication of her words settled in like a gut punch. "Are you suggesting, what I think you are suggesting?"

His doubt was well placed. It wouldn't be easy and Darkness was determined to make it work for the sake of them all. "The subject came up only briefly before our departure. There's a long discussion with three girls waiting for me."

Kazuma's throat became dry as sandpaper. "Why?"

Darkness shifted upwards to smother his face between her chest while she lovingly stroked his hair. "Why not? Or do you like none of us?"

The tone of her question was intended to be playful but the concern couldn't be banished from it completely. He wrapped his arm around her naked body and used his strength to flip Darkness on her back, drinking in the sight of the exposed woman underneath him.

"You are the most important part in my life."

For a single, glorious moment she allowed herself to think he only meant her instead of their whole group and shuddered in delight. "Then let me be selfish and prove it."

The voice in his head stayed dead silent as he laid on top the naked blonde and deepened the loving hug. Tentative pecks on the lips turned to a full-blown tongue kiss, fueled by their growing lust and inexperience. The same lust which sparked Kazuma's hands into action to touch, grope and stroke every inch of her erotic body. He liked to tease the crusader with quips about her hard muscles, but the softness his senses experienced right now would make this kind of teasing impossible forever.

A nicely groomed strip of blonde pubic hair sat above her dripping wet entrance, which made any further foreplay unnecessary. Both felt that way in their eagerness to start, Kazuma putting his erection on her small patch for emphasis and Darkness tentatively spreading her legs in an almost maidenlike behaviour.

"Are you sure?" Kazuma asked as Darkness eyed the hardened seven inches rubbing her with nervous excitement before parting herself open with delicate fingers.

"Make me yours."

He took the invitation and plunged into manhood with one deliberate push. Darkness winced from the foreign feeling of being stretched apart and simultaneously filled with pulsating warmth. It hurt and for once in her life she didn't revel in the pain. Kazuma realized it wasn't only his lost virginity, showcased by the small trickle of blood staining their connection.

"For such a hardcore pervert, you react surprisingly pure and innocent."

"Shut up you-" Darkness protested and was silenced by another kiss.

"Show me more of your cute and vulnerable side, Lalatina."

Their first time played out like you would expect. A lot of awkward thrusting, groping and kissing without rhyme or reason, which was so good that they couldn't stop anymore once started. Drunk on each other's smell, taste and feel, their naked bodies writhed in the throes of pleasure.

"It doesn't hurt anymore... move faster..."

With this final confirmation, he forewent all caution and the growing familiarity also grew their boldness. Their rhythm increased in intensity, inhibitions lessening with each slap of flesh against flesh and muffled grunts became full-blown moans.

"You feel way too good.. I'm getting close…"

"Me too... don't stop!"

Those pleas were music to Kazuma's ears when he gave everything in a last burst of frantic thrusts to make it worthwhile for the woman underneath him, his half-devil strength coming in handy while pistoning into her to the last second before pulling out.

A plan she thwarted by crossing her legs around him and locking him down.

"No stay inside!"

Rational thought pierced through the fog of pleasure clouding his mind. "Let me pull out or you might get pregnant!"

"I want your child," Darkness cooed with a dangerous twinkle in her eyes, hands grabbing his buttcheeks and assisting the thrusts by pushing. "Maybe a strong boy to follow in his father's footsteps as an adventurer?"

The rational part of his mind continued screaming at him how dangerously reckless the situation had become, only for his hips to deny listening to reason anymore. A beautiful woman wanted to bear his offspring and he couldn't think of anything more powerful as a statement of love.

"Or a cute little girl to spoil rotten and protect..."

Darkness also ground herself harder into his pelvis with a dazed look. Both minds flooded with visions of a possible future inhabiting a girl bearing their resemblance. Blonde hair like her mother, deep green eyes like her father.

"_**Daddy, come and play with me!"**_

"_**How do I look in my dress, Daddy? Am I pretty like mommy?"**_

"_**I love you Daddy! You are the best!"**_

The movement of Kazuma became more frantic, just shy from bursting and determined to plant his seed. "Our little bundle of joy... give it to me... have my baby, Lalatina!"

"Kazuma!"

The sweet release climax came simultaneously too soon and not soon enough, overwhelming the two lovers with its waves of pleasure running through.

Fingernails from the spasming woman under him buried painfully in his back, her legs twitching and raised in the air like getting shocked. Kazuma was spent as well, collapsing onto Darkness with a shuddering breath, listening to her racing heartbeat while resting between her heaving chest.

After making sure that every drop reached its destination, Kazuma rolled down from her and the liquid evidence of their lovemaking pooled in a sticky puddle on the tiled floor. The ebb of adrenaline brought clarity and new perspectives on several issues. Issues like him deflowering his party member in the bathroom of her family home and might making her pregnant during their first time.

The joy of losing his virginity took a backseat to the worry of becoming a father with sixteen. Kazuma didn't regret sharing this experience with Darkness, despite anything they might endure as consequence afterwards. Impregnating Darkness out of wedlock could be an unmitigated social nightmare and a shame for her whole family.

He took her hand between both of his and kissed it gently with a look of determination. "I will take responsibility. For you and our child."

The intended tender moment from his promise was ruined by Darkness staring at him with an embarrassed look before uttering something quietly under her breath.

"What was that?"

Staring at the ceiling was suddenly very interesting for the blonde lying besides him. "I'm on contraception. It's standard procedure among female adventurers."

She avoided his intense stare as it drilled into her to the point small droplets of sweat appeared on her face. He wanted to know why this stupid world scoffed at the notion of a bra and yet practised widespread birth control.

Another question had priority though. "Then why did you say all that stuff about having my baby?"

She snuggled into his chest and looked at him cutely with upturned eyes "I liked the thought of you impregnating me and got carried away in the excitement..."

"I see..."

And just like that, his demeanor had stabilized to his natural state of quiet acceptance. It was just Darkness playing out her lewd fantasies, something Kazuma should have expected from her but the nagging sense of disappointment growing inside of him confused the young man.

"Are you alright?" she whispered in his ear as he was now avoiding to look at her.

"I'm just overwhelmed by the afterglow…"

"Kazuma…"

"I... already picked a name… how weird is that?"

Kazuma's hand firmly blocked the view to his face. The deep chuckling from his throat sounded suspiciously shaky at places and Darkness stilled as she witnessed this new side of their party leader. A raw moment of weakness he allowed himself while the emotions became too much.

Kazuma accepting to be the father of their child warmed her heart and widened the space he had in it. In the not so distant future, Darkness had no doubts she would mother his child. For now, she wanted to take his mind off the heavy subject altogether.

"You know, I still have to finish cleaning you up."

The warmth of her body besides him moved away and he couldn't check where she went due to the continued effort to hide his blushing.

"We just bathed. The only thing filthy is my... ohhh." Another type of warmth and wetness enveloped little Kazuma and startled its owner enough to throw his head back from the sudden resurgence of pleasure. Completely blindsided, he felt around with closed eyes until his hand found long blonde hair to run his fingers through. He recognized the mumbling between licking and slurping sounds as a question directed at him.

"Yes I do forgive you!" Kazuma said with a moan and dared to make eye contact with the woman perched between his legs, blushing from the erotic sight and received more mumbling in return.

"Don't speak with a full mouth. Where are your manners…? AND DON'T BITE!"


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: The translation of Konosuba finished recently and I got to read how the series ended. This is great to see what material I can use and where to deviate from the source material. On the other hand I'm sad to see a great series like Konosuba end (the author has plans for a sequel, but that could be years off)**

**Either way this won't dampen my desire to finish this story.**

**Have fun reading and tell me what you think!**

* * *

Kazuma Satou was in a real pickle this morning. On the one hand, the young man really needed to use the toilet, but on the other hand he wanted to prolong the heavenly feeling he had woken up to for as long as possible.

No other word could describe being entangled with a beautiful naked woman, using her body as mattress and boobs as pillow. The intimacy Darkness between him and Darkness hadn't ended in the bathroom. Somewhere around midnight they had wound up in his guest room for a few more rounds between the silk sheets of his queen sized bed. It was like something insatiable had been unleashed between them and nothing short of going at it like animals could satisfy both.

A deep and satisfying breath between the massive mounds made the memories of their nighttime activities flood back in vivid detail. He rubbed his cheek along the smooth skin of her left breast and dared a lick to taste its saltiness. Grinning sheepishly, Kazuma carefully blew cold air towards her exposed nipple and watched it stiffen with fascination.

"Stop playing around with my boobs…"

The loving administrations had woken the lady of the house from her slumber and the man responsible apologized by planting small kisses on the bullied mammary.

"Their lewdness makes it so difficult to control myself."

"At least kiss me… not them."

"The wish of milady is my command." Kazuma said in a nasally voice to caricature a butler, making Darkness pout until he moved in for a tender kiss. As it lingered on and intensified, she put her arms around him and rubbed his back.

This was pure bliss.

Years of imagination couldn't compare to the real thing. A girl that wanted him, found him desirable and wasn't repelled by his presence. The thought of having potentially three more waiting at home was still hard to believe, despite the mountain of evidence.

"It's poking me…"

Kazuma got up on all fours to remove his weight from the girl. "Want me to put little Kazuma away?"

"I never said that..."

A knock on the door interrupted a steamy repeat of last night. The atmosphere deflated and the two scrambled for clothes as the voice of the head butler could be heard from outside. "Mr. Satou, I must inform you that his lordship hasn't returned yet from the capital and extends a sincere apology with an invitation to use our estate to your liking."

"I… uh appreciate that… Sebastian." Kazum struggled to get in his pants and tossed Darkness her pair of black panties from his inventory, which he had planned to keep as memento. Her resolve to stay unnoticed saved him from repercussions deeper than a judging glare.

"It's Hagen, sir." The lack of resentment spoke volumes for his professionalism. "I also have to inform you of a guest that has arrived to see you."

Darkness stopped putting on her underwear around the ankles and glared at the door. Her thoughts instantly went to her party members and the promise she had gotten from them. They had sworn to stay away during her time with Kazuma and there would be hell to pay if they break their oath. Then, the crusader paled as she remembered how only Megumin and Yunyun had given her that promise.

"It wouldn't perchance be a blue-haired priestess or a crimson demon girl?" Kazuma asked, unaware of his bedmate's inner turmoil.

"It is a girl, sir." the butler answered with even tone. "None of the other attributes fit your description."

This earned two sets of raised eyebrows. Nobody outside their group should know about their trip to the Dustiness estate. They exchanged knowing looks and he equipped Chunchunmaru from his inventory. The possibility of an enemy attack was slim to none but why take a chance?

"Did she give a name?"

There was a short pause behind the door before the butler answered with a click of his tongue. "Recent events have me and the rest of the staff on edge, so I haven't asked for a name. I would suggest you stop fornicating like a wild beast with lady Lalatina for a moment and solve this mystery by yourself."

"Hagen!" Darkness cried out in embarrassment from being discovered and hid her red face.

"I must apologize for my outburst, milady." Hagen replied in a droning tone without an ounce of regret present in his voice. "The young girl identified herself as an old acquaintance of Mr. Satou and wanted to have a word with him. I couldn't discern her attitude towards Mr. Satou because I'm unfamiliar with her strange vernacular."

Something began to tingle in the back of Kazuma's head, an unwelcome thought whose implications his mind couldn't fully grasp yet. "Any examples?"

"She called you tractor boy on multiple occasions."

Kazuma's sword slid out of his hand and dropped loudly to the floor. The ensuing emotional numbness made him finally remember his ability to equip clothes from his inventory. He did so in a single click and walked towards the door with every step resonating in his ears like a tremor. A clammy hand grabbed the handle to open it and step outside to the surprised butler waiting in the corridor.

The still half-naked Darkness hid herself with a blanket and stared at the silent Kazuma with worry.

"Are you ok?"

"Take your time."

It didn't answer her question because he didn't have one and left the confused crusader to dress fully. The maids he passed on the way to the entrance hall saw a serenity which wasn't really representative of the anxiety bubbling inside.

The people who knew how he died were few in number and even fewer should have the means to find out. It still could be Eris or another goddess coming out of the woodwork to make his life more difficult.

Divine intervention would be preferable to the alternative presented to him as he entered the entrance hall. The sliver of hope for an easy explanation died as soon as he laid eyes on the girl staring up at him with a smile, a very plain looking individual with the standardized uniform of his old school and brown hair put into twintails. Despite her forgettable appearance, every feature and characteristic or this person had been burned into his mind as the last face he'd ever seen in his old life.

"It's nice to see you again, Kazuma."

You never forget your first. Death was no exception to that.

"Hello…" Kazuma stopped after realizing he was drawing a blank. Funny, how he could draw her face from memory, but was struggling to put a name on it even though she had been a classmate for several years before his demise. He couldn't even remember how her voice sounded when she greeted him with a big smile.

"You don't know how to call me, don't you?"

"No, sorry."

Her smile got even bigger, almost giddy and trying not to giggle. "Don't be. The fact you can't makes you even more amazing."

"If you say so…" his voice once again petered out and he looked at the mystery girl for help with a pleading look.

"Mei."

"Yes, that. What do you want, Mei?"

The curtness in his voice surprised him more than the intended target. Usually Kazuma knew how to act polite despite his antisocial tendencies, hence his successful introduction to Lord Dustiness. You could argue about his methods all you want, but otherwise her father wouldn't have let a guy stay over without his supervision.

The appearance of a living piece of his past made him fall back in old patterns, which didn't seem to bother Mei. "I'm only here to introduce myself. You've done so much for me and it's my time to return the favor."

Darkness chose this moment to join them in an interesting getup. Pressed for time, the blonde went for maximum efficiency and minimal effort. She was still barefoot and in panties, using the zipped up jacket of his tracksuit to cover up the bare essentials and strained the material to the maximum. It looked even smaller on the crusader than on Yunyun, adding her notable difference in height to the impressive bust size they both shared.

"Kazuma!" she yelled with righteous fury, heavy sword drawn and disheveled hair giving the picture of a warrior princess ready to wade into battle. Whatever may come, Darkness would always have his back, a fact Kazuma loved about the woman above all else.

Although, she often took things a pinch too far in her zeal.

"It's ok she's not…" He turned to calm the frantic crusader but Mei already stood beside her on top of the stairs, somehow going past Kazuma without him noticing. This increased her potential threat level by several stages. Every muscle in his body tensed when the small girl grasped the hands of Darkness as if the tall woman wasn't holding a sword almost as big as herself.

"That's a really nice weapon. Where did you get it?"

The futility in which Darkness tried to break herself free from the iron grip added a few more levels of danger to Kazuma's mental list. Mei was no ordinary girl by any standards, which left the question of how this power came to be.

"It's a gift from Kazuma and I will use it to hack you to pieces if you don't let go of me!"

"I wouldn't dream of getting in between Kazuma and his girlfriend." With both hands busy constraining Darkness, Mei used her teeth to open up the zipper on her tracksuit just enough to inspect the multitude of lovebites on her neck and collarbone. She smiled at the obvious embarrassment of the woman who had forgone wearing anything under the green piece of clothing. "Keep making my saviour happy. A man like him deserves only the best. I will come for you the moment you're not."

The tense crusader watched as Mei used her mouth to zip her jacket closed again and jumped backwards as soon as her hands were released. There was no followup to her harassment, much less an actual attack, so Kazuma relaxed when her interest turned back to him.

"Am I the first to find you?"

Blood in his veins turned to ice and all remaining levity was sucked out of the scenery. The half-devil began to tremble until the fluctuations of his power shook all the windows. Mei looked neither intimidated or scared and walked passed him without a care in the world, still smiling at him with soul-burning admiration on her face.

"From your reaction I suspect that's the case. A pity, but I'm sure the others will come around eventually. It will be a big, happy reunion."

Suddenly, she stood back at the entrance door again, but this time he managed to see the tiniest flicker before the girl disappeared and reappeared. Definetly some kind of ability and a massive headache for the future.

A deep bow and Mei closing of the door concluded her introduction. "The world will finally appreciate you, Kazuma. I will make sure of it."

"Hey wait!" he called out, but she was gone when Kazuma opened the door again and not even his enhanced senses could pinpoint her location. Mei had managed to put herself out of reach for further questioning, just because he froze at the most inopportune moment. In a fit of rage he slammed it shut hard enough to dent the hinges.

"You dropped your sword…"

"Thank you." Kazuma stared at the ornate Katana presented to him. This mighty tool of destruction was equally useless like a fork in his current situation since Mei's intentions were as vague as they were non-threatening thus far. All he knew was people from his old life popping up couldn't be a net positive. One big negative being the influx of uncomfortable questions running through his head.

Who got here?

How did they get here?

What do they want?

Every conceivable answer was either unfullfillying or deeply disturbing. Naturally, the people in his life would want answers as well, with Darkness leading the way as the first to witness something he rather left buried and forgotten.

"Kazuma, who was that?"

"The girl I died for the first time."

Kazuma was usually the person admonishing others for unclear use of words. Naturally, this could be misunderstood in many ways and it showed on the concerned face of Darkness. And while too flustered to notice beforehand, his trained mind caught up pretty quick.

"She's nothing to be worried about. I can handle this just fine."

"Then why are you so upset?"

"You're imagining things. What guy wouldn't be a little tense when a woman wears his clothes? I have a hot girlfriend with potentially three more waiting at home. Mei is a minor nuisance at best in comparison to making you four happy."

His attempt to divert attention was clumsy at best and made white hot anger bubble in her veins. Somehow this Mei had managed to rattle Kazuma more than anything they faced together, including monsters, demon generals and a large engine of destruction. She could still see the anxiety in his eyes, the mind behind desperately racing to find a solution for a problem only understood by him.

Darkness wanted to help him and the only thing that came to mind was showing support by being there for her party leader with a simple gesture.

Sometimes a simple hug worked wonders.

"We will figure this out. All of us."

For a moment, he just stared up at the woman in his arms. Then, without any warning, Kazuma cupped her face and planted a kiss on those luscious lips in the middle of the empty foyer. He loved her, he loved them all so much it hurt and nothing could remedy this fact anymore. The eternal shut-in and loner had given up on keeping his distance.

He peppered her neck with small pecks. "You will get the full insight into the mind of Kazuma Satour at breakfast. My girlfriend should know more about me than the bare basics."

"It's the second time you called me your girlfriend..." she replied with a cute stutter, cheeks flush with a faint pink taint.

"It still feels unreal to me. Are you sure the others don't mind this polygamic arrangement? Especially Aqua is very stingy when it comes to sharing anything."

Darkness tensed before tightening the embrace. "Sure they are fine with it… totally!"

Coarse hands travelled from feminine shoulders towards a perfect butt to pinch those cheeks. She squirmed in equal parts of pleasure and embarrassment, his eyes fixated on hers with smoldering intensity. "Darkness… what would happen if I told them about last night?"

"Just don't… for now at least… maybe later… a lot later… eek!"

The stuttering mess of an explanation was halted by Kazuma picking Darkness up and throwing the woman over his shoulder like a sack of rice.

"Breakfast is postponed until you have received your due punishment and helped me figure out how we survive their wrath!"

"What about this weird girl?" Darkness cried, kicking her legs uselessly in the air while Kazuma bound up the stairs in huge leaps.

"Later, a thorough spanking comes first!"

The crusader quivered in delight and stopped struggling when she realized more than anger fueled his actions. None of them knew what challenges the future would bring and Kazuma wanted to enjoy their time together as much as possible.

"Guh… my room has some stuff… punish this filthy sow!"

"God, I love you so much. I don't know what this says about me, but I do."


	21. Chapter 21

**This took me way longer than anticipated.**

**I have no real excuse besides being busy with real life.**

**Have fun reading!**

**EDIT November 6th: This chapter is a repost. Issues with the site on October 30th kept most people from reading the chapter. If you were one of the few who could access this chapter, there is nothing new here.**

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

The glowing cut in the air and tear in reality warned the citizens of Arcanretia about their pontiffs' return. Kazuma and Darkness would have loved to spend more time together, but a development needed their immediate attention in the spiritual capital of the axis faith.

A sudden strain on his magical power during breakfast.

Then and there, Kazuma had recognized it as a certain explosive menace firing her signature spell and using his mana through their contract. He didn't think much about it after the first wave of fatigue. The second wave a few moments later had him annoyed. By the fifth he had trouble holding the spoon calm enough to hit his mouth with cereal.

The drain stopped after that, making him in equal parts relieved and worried about the reason. The quickest way to find out was to shorten their stay at the Dustiness estate, which Darkness agreed to without much resistance. She had gotten what she wanted and then some, blasting past the others in terms of progress to a comfortable lead.

Dustiness Ford Lalatina, first girlfriend of Kazuma Satou.

The portal closed behind them and they held hands to avoid getting separated in the fast moving crowds on the street. "Do the people seem more panicky than usual to you?" Darkness asked, sidestepping two guys carrying large planks of wood.

Kazuma watched a nearby priest putting on platemail armor. "Even crazy axis priests seldomly are armed this heavily during day-to-day business." Both stopped dead in their tracks to let a column of five trebuchet roll by at a crossroads. "Or push heavy war equipment for that matter. Something is wrong."

Their answer appeared in the form of a well endowed chimera. Silvia looked ready for war in her jetblack battle armor, every ounce of defeatism gone from the demon general brandishing an axe. Darkness grabbed Kazuma's hand tighter when the woman towering even over herself stopped before them with salute.

"Preparations are almost complete. We will be able to withstand anything within these walls."

"That's good." Kazuma steeled his face into a determined expression. Whatever was happening, it wouldn't look good if the man in charge had no idea what was going on. "Report, what's the situation outside?"

Darkness caught on and put on a similar expression when Sylvia started her briefing.

"The city remains under siege by the royal army. No activities have been reported since the initial forming of the blockade yesterday."

Kazuma wasn't surprised about an army gathering at his doorstep when he finally had something to be happy about. He hadn't known about what kind of obstacle, but experience made him expect nothing less. If anything, the timing was way off from the usual, crashing down on him after he spent two wonderful days with his new girlfriend.

Destiny was getting sloppy with spitting in his cornflakes.

"Estimates of troop size?"

Sylvia paused and her hesitation made Kazuma concerned in an instant. The inability of a seasoned army general to gauge the enemy numbers meant she had never encountered this size before. "I would guess pretty much all they have? It very well looks like every soldier fighting against the devil king across the continent has come."

It showed how much his priorities and worldview had changed when his first thought wasn't to run away and hide after hearing this news. He simply didn't want to fight thousands of people for the sake of having a little peace and quiet. The half-devil would, if he had to, but nothing about it sounded like a fun afternoon for anyone involved.

Just a huge bother.

"I get the picture."

The tired acceptance from her leader settled the chimera in a more relaxed state. "Obviously nobody can get in or out by normal means and standard teleportation magic has been blocked. Support from outside is limited because the other demon generals aren't fully on board yet."

Darkness watched the exchange between the chimera and her new boyfriend with mixed feelings. The poker face of their party leader was as flawless as ever, exuding confidence and control over the situation.

_"How much of your act is for our sake?"_

_"How often have you been lost and let nobody know?"_

_"Would you ask for my help now?"_

"_Or continue to persevere alone?"_

The crusader kept those thoughts to herself and close to her heart.

"Have they said what they want?" Kazuma asked.

"We received demands this morning," Sylvia said with disgust in her voice. "The royal family wants to speak with the highest authority and negotiate our surrender."

Kazuma sighed. "That would either be me or Aqua. Where is she? Where are the others right now?"

"The goddess doesn't want to speak with anybody and remains in her room with the silver-haired thief." Sylvia bit the inside of her cheek, contemplating how to best describe what Megumin was doing. "The crazy crimson demon sits on the city wall with her better developed friend and casts occasional explosion magic to keep our enemy from advancing."

"This must be her personal heaven. I bet Yunyun is the only reason Megumin holds back against such a satisfying target."

Kazuma turned to Darkness for the first time since the conversation had started, his demeanor changing from distant and businesslike to warm and friendly. "Darkness, would you help Yunyun have an eye on Megumin? I will drag our useless goddess out of bed in the meantime. The earlier this problem is solved the better."

The tall blonde frowned at the mention of Aqua, walked up to him with a red face, bent down slightly to compensate for their difference in height, and gave Kazuma a chaste kiss. Showing affection in public still clashed with her image of a proper noble lady and prevented things from escalating towards usual Darkness levels of horny. Keeping in tone with the theme of awkward first romance, her mouth remained pressed against him a moment longer than necessary, showing the subliminal resistance to part ways.

"You can count on me, Kazuma. Always."

Sylvia stood in awe from the display of sweetness. It was more becoming of school children crushing on each other than an almighty devil and his trusted crusader. The two separated and Kazuma watched Darkness vanish into the crowd with one last longing glance before the softness vanished from his features.

All business from now on.

"Walk with me Sylvia and share your concerns."

"Sir?"

"Doubt is written all over your face."

Gone was the earlier levity and spring in his step, as if some part of him had left with the blonde. This was the half-devil she remembered facing in battle; a reserved and distant boy always watching the world like it didn't concern him.

"How are we going to deal with the siege, sir?"

"You're not. I will."

Sylvia stopped in her tracks. "I don't understand…"

Cold shivers ran down her spine from the look on his face; the expression of a man who discarded any pretense of courtesy. "Why should I risk losing anything by involving others in my problems?"

The statement had the expected outcome. Facing an enemy like the royal army of Belzberg alone was madness and Silvia showed visible regret for betting the survival of her kind on the delusions of one unstable and suicidal teenager.

Understandable, if slightly annoying to the half-devil being doubted. "I can see your unconvinced, so let me tell you a secret to calm your nerves. Have you ever wondered why I gave you all adventurer cards and how it's working?"

Of course she had and still did. During the war, they considered every possibility to gain the advantage over the enemy, so the idea wasn't new but nobody ever managed to make cards and their job classes available to monsters.

This world followed video game logic. An rpg to be more specific and mmorpg to be exact, although the divine creators hadn't been thorough in the design process, which left a lot of room for exploitation.

And as fate would have it, the draw fell on a very generous free-to-play model.

"Sylvia, imagine somebody wanting to try being an adventurer without committing in full. Whoever invented adventurer cards considered this option and also made trial cards, adventurer cards with virtually no requirements and many limitations. Limitations so steep in power level and practicality, they made them pointless beyond testing the waters."

A surprisingly predatory practice for supposed benevolent gods. It's a tried and true approach of greedy companies in his world to offer free to play options and hamstring players until they break and open their wallet. Trial cards reeked of the same motivation to Kazuma, only with a much more nefarious reason than money.

"You see, there is a way for somebody with a trial account to get full access. As long as you are partied up with somebody with a real card, your lesser cards function the same."

Sylvia pulled out her adventurer card and studied the item with furrowed brow. "I'm not in anyone's party. I checked the thing from top to bottom when I got it."

"Check your party screen again and tap the empty space above your name." Kazuma said and watched her do it with mirth. Kazuma's stat screen illuminated her face and the chimera stared at him in hope for an explanation.

"The party screen has the interesting function of choosing a nickname to show amongst your party. I happen to choose a couple of empty spaces for mine."

The frustration of being tricked so easily didn't last for long in view of the data presented to her. She became lost in the spreadsheet of Kazuma's abilities and skills, her mind not comprehending what she's seeing in terms of power.

"Every monster with a card is part of your party?" Sylvia gulped, slowly grasping the ramifications of this little trick.

The smile on Kazuma looked more sinister than he intended. "And everyone is sharing a small cut of their gained experience points with me. All thousands upon thousands of good little monsters doing their part."

Mathematically, Sylvia could extrapolate their difference in power, just not imagining how it would look in practice. How much stronger is a dragon compared to an ant? At a certain point, trying to compare becomes pointless.

"You are all already helping me without getting yourselves in unnecessary danger. Isn't that wonderful?"

Many adjectives ran through Sylvia's head to describe the situation, none of them polite enough to utter around children. Being ordered to stand back while others fought her battles insulted the generals on many levels, but their new leader made it very clear that she was given no choice in the matter.

They stood and fell with Kazuma Satou.

"Please, don't disappoint us."

"I won't. There's too much at stake."

* * *

KONOSUBA!

* * *

Sylvia went back to her troops to oversee the defense and Kazuma took the long trip towards their hotel.

The first sign that something wasn't quite right came the second he arrived at the floor they were all staying on. Kazuma found Eris slumped against a wall and half asleep, chocolate smeared around her lips and cradling a large bottle of nondescript alcohol. The red, puffy eyes and tear stains on her face quickened his step towards the deity in disguise.

Only to notice the disguise being gone.

Short silver hair was now long and flowing down to her hips. Her clothes had become a weird mix of the usual thieves' outfit tank top and booty shorts combined with clerical accessories like a big purple nun veil, making her the first woman of the cloth he had seen sporting an underbutt. One cream-colored breast pad laid on the floor with the matching other still safely stuffed under her shirt.

"I can't go back…" She whined into the pattern wallpaper, the smell of booze and sugar hitting him in strong waves. "The gate is closed… they locked me out..."

The prim and proper goddess was completely undone at the seams. Although very sad circumstances for Eris, Kazuma could now say with certainty that she wasn't involved with whatever had happened with Mei yesterday. It also meant there was nobody who could tell him what heaven had planned for him. They had recognized Eris as a weak link and dropped her like a hot potato, not unlike another deity waiting for him.

"I went to get some snacks for Aqua and me... can't find my way back… everything is spinning…"

For a cynical bastard like him, crying girls were rapidly becoming his kryptonite. "Come on, you can rest in Aqua's room."

Eris hadn't been that far off from her destination despite the high level of intoxication. Three doors further left and he stood in front of the royal suite with the luck goddess carried bridal style in his arms. Kazuma didn't bother with knocking and pushed the ajar door open with his foot.

She mumbled into his chest and rubbed her nose on him. "You have my blessing, but make my senpai unhappy and I will make you wish I'd really killed you back in Axel."

"Sure, whatever makes you happy."

A nearby couch was the perfect place for the drunk girl and Kazuma put her down gently just in time before Eris succumbed to unconsciousness. His gaze wandered over the messy hotel room and his eyes got stuck on the bed. The remarkable feature was the person-sized lump under the bedsheets. Kazuma lifted the sheet at one corner and crawled under towards the pouting archpriest underneath.

"You finally decided to come back, Neet."

Aqua wore light pink pajamas and had her hair undone in a tousled mess. An assortment of stains told a story of binge eating ice cream and flushing it down with various hard liquors. Nothing out of the ordinary for her, and yet, the whole scene missed the usual vitality and merriment.

"It's been two days and I told you where I was going. Don't be so dramatic, numbskull."

Kazuma took pride in his ability to prepare for any eventuality life could throw at him. Never hoping for the best and expecting the worst had served him well thus far in mastering the game of life. Aqua was destined to be the game piece which never fit in his strategy and always caught him on the wrong foot.

"I still remember everything."

An angry Aqua he could have handled.

Lazy and bitchy Aqua belonged to his daily ritual.

"Why do they don't want me, Kazuma?"

Sad Aqua hurt his soul in ways he believed to be impossible. The deep black rings under her eyes from lack of sleep worried him more than the army outside the city.

"Come here…" He scooched closer and gave the somber girl a hug, who buried her face in his shoulder and started to sniffle.

Sniffles turned to sniffing.

Sniffing turned to growling.

"You smell like the blonde bimbo. What did you do?"

Directly asked, he couldn't lie to her to soften the blow. He told Aqua everything in excruciating detail, down to the nitty gritty of where, when and how often him and Darkness made love like horny animals. The final amount embarrassed him by how little self-restraint it showed, but a man dying of thirst is prone to drinking too greedily given the chance.

Needless to say, his goddess lacked any kind of sympathy for his plight. "She took your innocence… she defiled my champion…"

The biting stench of burning ozone filled the air as the bedsheets turned to ash. Blue glow illuminated the room in blinding light as Aqua's body ignited like a torch. Temperatures rose high enough to make every window in the room warp under the heat.

Old Kazuma would have run or cower in fear. New Kazuma wasn't wasting effort on the thought when she raised her hand against him.

"Purification!"

The clothes exploded off his body with the skin underneath getting red and tender like a sunburn. Before Kazuma could voice his displeasure, Aqua grabbed him by the arms and shoved him on his back as if he weighed nothing, showing how not only her magic had increased from getting so many new worshippers.

Strangely enough, she had become maybe the only being strong enough to end him and It made the half-devil nervous when she ripped the nightwear from her body like paper. Aqua loomed over him in all of her glorious nakedness as the harbinger of fury with two bottles of amber liquid in her hands.

"Take this you heretic!"

She doused him with their contents and his skin burned for a second like molten lava. Kazuma felt sticky all over, taking in the smell of honey, morning dew and malt liquor. The exact scent replica of the angry goddess standing before him.

"Axis brand ritual oil. Just the right tool to get rid of the stench from this woman." Aqua growled in a tone so threatening it led him to believe she would brandish a match and set the oil on fire. Instead, her palms rested on his chest while she crawled on top of him, pushing Kazuma down with the gentleness of a kitten.

"The oil has to be rubbed in for the full effect."

She straddled his limbs. "Arms and legs"

She took his hands and interlaced their digits. "fingers and toes"

Aqua pressed her exposed chest against his in circling motion before putting his head firmly between her boobs.

"Torso and face."

Soon, her whole naked body was writhing against him to smother every inch of his body with oil. How he ever had managed to ignore her curves and stay completely asexual towards Aqua until now would be a mystery lost to time. It didn't take long for all of her tender attention to result in a rapidly stiffening part of his anatomy poking into her stomach and slender fingers traced along the sensitive underside of the twitching spire.

"Especially this lust-filled piece of traitorous flesh needs a lot of cleansing." Her fist closed around him with just enough pressure to feel uncomfortable before the other hand found an even more vulnerable target which made Kazuma's heart rate skyrocket. "You've got some huge balls fooling around with another woman."

"I think you can feel they are of average size for somebody of my age."

The promise of harm to his jewels burning in her eyes dampened his enjoyment of getting fondled somewhat. This wasn't remedied by her first lick and smacking of lips, because her frown deepened after every stroke of the tongue hitting his sensitive flesh.

"I can still taste her." Aqua's head bobbed up and down in his lap, determined to scrub the markings of Darkness from existence. She smiled with a full mouth when her efforts bore fruit with his taste and smell returning to something familiar.

Kazuma ran his calloused fingers through blue hair and she leaned into him with a content hum, only to suddenly deprive his member of the warmth from her mouth to speak. "Who allowed you to touch me, sinner? You've got me, a goddess, doing this for you. You should grovel on your knees in gratitude and repent for your transgressions!"

Instead she kneed on him, squishing his exposed and wet manliness and digging into the bulbous tip with her immaculate fingernails. "Beg me for forgiveness and I will make you ascend to heaven as a reward!"

The difference between Aqua and Darkness became evident. Darkness liked to be dominated and led in bed, while intimacy between Aqua and him resembled how they argued. Constant squabbles with yelling and lots of hair pulling.

And the prospect turned him on.

"Don't get cocky useless goddess!" His hips bucked and threw Aqua off the bed. Now face down on the carpet, Kazuma appeared behind her in a flash, grabbing two handfuls of her beautiful butt raised in the air. "Don't pretend you're doing this out of charity when you're dripping like a leaky faucet!"

Aqua vigorously rubbed the starting nosebleed away. "Stupid Neet, I hate you! You, and your unfaithful limp noodle!'

The moment he saw her bleeding, Kazuma's face and heart dropped at the same time. Gone were the snarky comments and cocksure behaviour, replaced with complete silence and shaky hands touching her bloody skin. She watched him spellbound as he kept wiping the blood from her upper lip with a frantic thumb. Unadulterated fear and worry about her well being stared Aqua in the face and it made her physically ill to see Kazuma this upset.

"It's just a small nosebleed! Make me feel good already! I've waited long enough!"

She sat on his lap and hilted him inside her gooey warmth in one thrust. No warning and no foreplay. Something halfway through resisted for a whole second before it teared and the last part of his manhood slipped in with a high pitched yelp.

"Are you crazy?!" Kazuma snapped out of stupor and grabbed her by the waist to prevent any movement. "This must hurt like hell, doesn't it?"

The stimuli almost overpowered his concern, her velvety insides milking him as needy and greedy as everything else about Aqua. Different than Darkness but heavenly all the same. Aqua was tight, so unbelievably tight and warm and wet.

"Don't flatter yourself… I can handle your tiny pencil..."

"You're bleeding!"

"Are you still on about that? I said it's nothing!"

"Not your face! Down there!"

Aqua looked and saw the trickle of red pooling where they were connected. Kazuma could feel his eardrums shatter from the piercing scream two inches away from his face. Big crocodile tears and snot joined as liquids staining her face as she shook him at the neck.

"Kazuma, I'm scared! Why is your penis cutting me?"

Words struggled to push past his closing windpipe. "It's normal for the first time and completely harmless! How do you not know this?"

A weird sense of privilege made way for genuine confusion. How could somebody give a naked full-body oil massage and suck dick like a pro, without knowing something so vital about the intricacies of her own body?

At least she had the decency to be embarrassed about it. "Don't yell at me! There is no lewd stuff in heaven remember? I know everything from mortal magazines and they don't linger much on this kind of stuff!"

They sat for a while in the dark hotel room, Kazuma shifting his hold on her into a hug from behind and kissing the top of her hair. Aqua did the same, only rubbing her cheek into his chest instead and taking in more of Kazuma's smell. Slowly but surely, her hips started to grind and stirred the phallus around her depths.

"Stop it, or I won't be able to control myself. I want you so bad…"

"Me too, so fuck me already idiot!"

All of their pent up frustration unloaded as he grabbed her left boob, massaging the perfectly shaped mound while she kept a steady riding rhythm with her hips. Everything just fell into place between them like a key and matching lock. Their instant compatibility stood testament for their whole relationship.

They fought, bickered and yelled at each other since day one, and regardless of that, the thought of parting ways never occurred to them even once.

They deserved one another.

Many guys would tell you the missionary position is boring and milktoast, but Kazuma loved to see her flushed expression up close. Gently laying Aqua down on the thick carpet, he cupped her cheek as he entered again and kept staring into her deep blue eyes. His thumb stroked softly over her rosy lower lip until she started sucking and licking on the digit with moans.

The sudden urge to have his own tongue experience her touch pushed him for a greedy kiss, invading her mouth and starting another layer of competition for control. Hard to say who was the better kisser but both of them had a bias for wet and messy, exchanging lots of saliva in the process.

This continued up to the point Kazuma felt his impending climax. "Aqua, I'm getting close…"

"Don't you dare get off before me…"

"egotistic slob…" Kazuma said and increased his rhythm to a frantic pace.

"Selfish… ah… brute!"

He shut up further tirades about his lack of human qualities with his lips. She responded in kind, nibbling on his lower lip to open Kazuma's mouth for her tongue again.

"Almost there…"

"Me too… finish inside please..."

"Are you sure?"

"Your goo is turning to water anyway."

The familiar feeling of disappointment hit Kazuma like a sledgehammer. He had a better grasp on the reason at the second time around, which didn't make it easier to swallow. The young man lost himself in lucid daydreams of scenes with a blue-haired boy.

"_**Dad, mom ate all my pudding again!"**_

"_**You won't give me a free sample? Don't you know who I am? My daddy will beat you up, asshole!"**_

"_**Yes, I'm Kazuma's son."**_

Mental images of a possible bratty offspring pushed him over the edge and opened the floodgates. Every fiber of him wanted this more than anything in his life and the new intensity from her champion morphed Aqua into a moaning pile of mush.

There was just enough presence of mind to wrap her legs around him like a vice to make his task easier. Two bodies melded into one with echoing wet slaps ringing through the room whenever Kazuma reached the deepest possible part of his goddess in quickening succession.

One splashing droplet from a particular hard thrust flew all the way across the room and hit the nose tip below a pair of purple eyes. Eris watched spellbound from the nearby couch with perfect darkvision, having now her real body in this world. Two slick fingers of that divine body pumped furiously inside her damp shorts at the same speed as the couple making love on the floor.

Drunk Eris was a very horny goddess.

"Fuck me harder you stupid neet!"

"I'm on it, useless goddess!"

"Be glad this goddess loves you so much!"

"That's my line! Be goddamn thankful I adore your sorry ass!"

"Kazuma!"

"Aqua!"

Eris's eyes widened from finishing herself and witnessing the messy process of an orgasming water goddess getting filled to the brim without the sticky proof of their love turning to water.

The two involved were too caught up in the moment to notice this important detail. Naked, out of breath with foreheads pressed against each other, Kazuma and Aqua entered the blissful stage of aftersex cuddles.

"You're mine…"

"You'll have to share." Kazuma nibbled on her earlobe which elicited a tired moan from the sweaty girl.

"I don't wanna…" Aqua's hands roamed on his back.

Lips pressed on her neck to make a love bite and lick over the reddened skin. "Spoiled, spoiled goddess..."

They stared at each other in complete silence, realizing but not vocalizing what they felt. The two had stuck together when nobody else wanted them in an uncaring world and this would remain to be the case until one of them or both ceased to exist.

The useless goddess and her HikiNEET champion.

Time to make sure it stayed that way.

"Where are you going?" Aqua asked him in a tired voice, the aftermath of two days without sleep and the exhausting sex catching up with her.

"Just a shower and a small errant. Do you want something?" Kazuma had to bite his tongue until blood came. The truth enchantment wasn't happy with the answer, although an omission of details technically wasn't a lie. Kicking the royal army off their lawn shouldn't take long and could be classified as an errant in the broadest sense.

"I really want some bubbly."

"It's eight in the morning you boozehound!"

"Muh… I'm so thirsty I could lick it off your skin…"

"I guess one bottle wouldn't hurt. Be right back!"


End file.
